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Support for friend through abortion.

(7 Posts)
LoveForTulips Fri 24-Mar-17 10:12:57

This is probably very outing, especially if she happens to read it.

My best friend, and family member, found out she was pregnant around 3 or 4 weeks ago, shes always wanted another child, tried for 7 years for her first ds. She told the dad to his face (they're not together, but are old friends) and they have both been very excited about it.
We have talked about the relationship the new baby will have with her DS (from previous relationship), and cousins and friends children etc. All the family knew very quickly, she was planning on moving closer to home for the dad and family.

Out of nowhere, she has decided to have an abortion, and when i have asked her why, as for the best part of a month its been exciting, arranging new baby things etc, it came very out of the blue - her reasoning is basically because she doesn't want 'it' anymore.

I cannot have children (or as i'm told my chances are practically 0). I respect every woman has a choice, and do not judge any women who wishes to terminate a pregnancy. However having it so close to home has really upset me. ( i understand it will be upsetting for her too!)

It was going to be his first child, he was over the moon and when i asked her how he felt about it, she just said 'hes not even bothered'... but he is.

I guess, i'm just a bit emotional about it all. I cant make her choices for her, i've tried speaking to her, asked her if there's anything she wants to talk about, etc but shes just closed off.

I don't really know why i'm posting, just needed to get it off my chest really. I don't have any friends, or anyone to talk to. And its not really my situation to talk about.

AnxiousMunchkin Fri 24-Mar-17 10:22:21

It sounds like a very abrupt change of heart, at least from what she's told you. Yes it's not your situation or choice, but it's completely understandable in the circumstances that you would have strong feelings about her decision if she decided to go ahead with an abortion. You can be pro choice and support her rights whilst at the same time feeling that personal pang when the situation is right in front of your face. Your feelings are valid.

It's a difficult thing to navigate - I expect you want to support your friend whatever she decides, but you're going to find it very difficult personally if she decides not to continue the pregnancy. I'm not sure how much of your feelings are appropriate for you to share with her - you don't want to give her the idea that you disprove or are judging her - perhaps someone else will have an idea on how to handle that, if it comes to it. But absolutely make sure you have support yourself if you're finding it hard to have this play out so close to you. It's ok to feel your own pain.

LoveForTulips Fri 24-Mar-17 10:34:06

Thank you for replying Munchkin,
I support her choice because i love her. I have been a little blunt with her about it, which is probably my own emotions projecting on to her.

I'm upset about it myself, but i'm also upset in her sudden change in heart. I guess i'm worried she hasn't truly thought about her decisions, but shes so closed off its hard to get her to speak.

AnxiousMunchkin Sat 25-Mar-17 07:36:34

Whether she has really thought it through or not - that's not your problem to worry about. You don't need to advocate on behalf of what she wanted before. If she doesn't want to talk about things, that's ok too.

As someone told me once, you do you. Let her know you're there to listen if she wants to talk (if you mean that - if you can listen without needing to advise or give your own opinion). Let her know you support and love her whatever she decides.

But also, "do you" - recognise why you're finding this difficult, look after yourself or get support yourself if you need to talk about it. Don't put yourself in any position that is going to make things more difficult for you either.

Sorry this is a horrible position to be in.

motheralmighty1 Sun 26-Mar-17 08:50:59

It's understandable that she's upset about it but there's probably more to it than meets the eye. I've been there myself. All you can do is support her until/if she's ready to open up to you x

Dozer Sun 26-Mar-17 08:55:25

Her body, her choice.

The father's feelings/opinions (and yours) don't come into that.

You might not be best placed to discuss and support her closely on this, given your situation and feelings and (given those) the need for you to take care of yourself. There are counselling services available if she wishes to use them.

LoveForTulips Sun 26-Mar-17 19:22:26

Thank you everyone.
I spoke further with her, she said there was things she didn't want to discuss which i respect. I told her i am here for her, whatever her choices.
I will keep my opinions to myself, she has it hard enough with this happening - without me butting in too!

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