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my heart feels empty i cant even love myself

(18 Posts)
happyfrown Sun 19-Mar-17 21:43:22

today I have been crying and choking back tears (even when out shopping)

im diagnosed as EUPD. just for info.

i cant even look in the mirror, when i do i just want to rip of what i see. all i see is an ugly depressed unloving person. hair is thin and lank, eyes are dead and skinny jaw bone. no amount of make up will help, or exercise will ever make me like me.
i had my hair done on weds and i hate it, not cos it went wrong. it could be any colour and i just don't think i look nice. ever.

my dd had a party yesterday. only small one, about 6 kids, the mum and 5 other adults related to her. they were dancing, laughing taking selfies and recording etc. i felt like a spare part miserably sitting in the corner. one took a pic of me with her and i look so ugly.

i feel so deflated and hard to care about anything. i feel asleep earlier when i woke up for a second i felt free from all the noise in my head and tormenting thoughts. it was a peaceful sleep. i thought how nice it would be to stay that way sad

i have therapy but nothing will ever make me love myself. i find it hard to connect to people even my kids. what hope is there for me? soon the care team will give up to.

DaffodilTime Sun 19-Mar-17 22:03:46

Don't be disheartened, you sound sincere and lovely to me and i have never thought ANYONE doesn't look nice unless they project an unusually horrid character which you don't. The lovely thing about life is how we are all different and I wish I knew you as sure you can be taught to find so much self worth.

I have a friend who feels a bit like you and it's deep rooted but she's starting to change and slowly show less self hatred in her case- but I do think you need a sensible friend who understands how you are feeling and can be there for you.

Does it help to talk about the kids and do you have much support or do you feel alone? Do talk more here if it helps and above all keep looking to the professional places for help too and be honest about how you feel as you are worth so much I promise and try to treat yourself as the tiny baby you once were, protect that.
I'm really sorry it feels hard. And try to take time for yourself, is there any thing you do that makes you feel a bit better? Mine is art or getting outside which sounds small but is good for me.
I also want to stress not to worry about looks, I never think much about mine and never taken a selfie in my life- the important things in life are much more important than this
and I bet those who love you love you exactly as you are .
Ring the Samaritans too anytime low as it might really help to talk and i do hope you feel better soon

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 19-Mar-17 22:47:16

Please remember you are quite unwell, if not seriously ill and whilst you are ill you feel crap... like having food poisoning or a bad flu. It takes over your mind and changes the way you think about everything.

And the worse of it is that whilst you are unwell, you can't ever remember feeling anything but ill and crap.. As Dafodilmsays, things can change and there are people here who will listen and help as much as they can.,

Ohyesiam Sun 19-Mar-17 23:03:30

Op, my heart his out to you. I've been where you are, I do get it.
All I can say is whatever you focus on, you get more of. So work to find a tiny bit of positivity where ever you can. Whatever you dwell on, you get more of. Police your mind. And don't let negativity be at the centre.

happyfrown Mon 20-Mar-17 00:12:01

Didn't think I'd get any replies. Thank you for reading my post.
I am lonely but it's my own doing, I don't have family and I find it hard to make friends. I have 2 good friends but one is on holiday for a month.

I'm doing therapy called DIT it's to do with helping relationships? But I don't have any other than my 2 friends and kids. I've never been a huggy mum and don't feel as connected with my dcs as most mum's come across. Can't see it changing much but I'll try anything to see what helps.

Don't feel like I belong anywhere. Even from childhood I felt like standing in the middle of the playground feeling lost.

DaffodilTime Mon 20-Mar-17 08:34:19

Don't worry at all how other mums come across, every family has its own dynamic and just focus on the best for yours. our DC get a real boost when I do something individually with them that they enjoy, often for 5 minutes if I'm busy and it really helps reconnect us as I concentrate entirely on talking to them so it's the really simple things which i'm sure you already do.

As for belonging, it's hard to feel like that. can you brush those thoughts and any other negative ones aside and experiment by affirming positive things ? My DH taught me this as does it naturally and it helped completely lift my old tendency to get down about things as I never dwell on negative things any more. You are where you are and it is exactly where you belong at the moment!
I hope you have a good morning Don't be disheartened, you sound sincere and lovely to me and i have never thought ANYONE doesn't look nice unless they project an unusually horrid character which you don't. The lovely thing about life is how we are all different and I wish I knew you as sure you can be taught to find so much self worth.

I have a friend who feels a bit like you and it's deep rooted but she's starting to change and slowly show less self hatred in her case- but I do think you need a sensible friend who understands how you are feeling and can be there for you.

Does it help to talk about the kids and do you have much support or do you feel alone? Do talk more here if it helps and above all look to the proper channels for professional help too as you are worth so much I promise and try to treat yourself as the tiny baby you once were, protect that
would you ever join any sort of group to meet more people? You'll attract new friends just by being smiley and sounding positive and cheery even if you aren't feeling that way to start with.
I hope I'm not being boring with my advice but so keen you discover a new side to life as low self esteem is so hard and you will feel so different if can learn to accept and even embrace what you have . Tiny steps go a long way x

happyfrown Mon 20-Mar-17 09:42:20

no your not boring me with advice, its appreciated.

the problem with people is connecting, talking. im not really good at it as i don't do much so im quite dull. also the depressive side of eupd sends me into isolated trance. i put up barriers, disconnect with the world and send people away. ive only the 2 friends left who understand and stand by me.
i worry how i look, if im too ugly to talk to. if i say silly things or come across weird? it all stops me from wanting to know more people. also when i do feel i need to be alone id have to explain to them why i haven't been around, so for me its easier to just disappear into the background if i don't know many people.

DaffodilTime Mon 20-Mar-17 11:07:21

I understand that though you are the sort of person I would like to get to know as exactly the opposite of arrogant and I've honestly never thought anyone ugly and completely sure you aren't. My friend says she is ugly in front of her children and I had a gentle word with her as was worried what it was teaching them , it's really helpful to learn to be comfortable in one's own skin and she's getting much better and sometimes even taking pride in herself again.
(I do feel just like you about feeling 'dull' as I am very comfortable with most people but I withdraw the minute anyone's discussing politics or certain topics I don't enjoy. But I just avoid those situations where can! Stick to the friends you are comfortable with and maybe they can even introduce you to more in a way you feel safe with. I don't think we need many friends, just good ones, but I do enjoy being friendly with all the people I run into daily as life becomes much friendlier somehow in a community

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 20-Mar-17 11:19:41

Tell us about your childhood.

Were you a lonely child did your parents move you from pillar to post like mine did? What was school like?

happyfrown Mon 20-Mar-17 11:51:10

ive never felt comfortable with how I look, even as a child, teenanger etc. im always concerned how I look, count calories, limit food. googling ways to look nice. as you describe your friend mine is very deep rooted too.

my childhood was lonely, I had a few more friends but no one I could really talk to. lived with my mum and I spent most of growing up alone in my room. my mum didn't really talk to me, didn't like my stepdad.
wasnt popular at school and never really fit in. my friends were the sort that no one else talked to? I guess our own little loners group.

I had kids young thinking I will have some one to love and love me back, someone to talk to, keep me company but it all went wrong because I struggle to cope and bond, leaving me feeling guilty and trapped.

DaffodilTime Mon 20-Mar-17 20:07:44

Oh love those feelings can and should change. You are taking such a good step talking about it and maybe thinking about what you want for you and your children. And a pattern doesn't need to repeat itself if you didn't like it and they might well benefit from having friends over. Take small steps and chat anytime helps

happyfrown Mon 20-Mar-17 20:42:46

nobody really understands, when I explain to my recent therapist about my lack of bond to the kids she says that I need to work on relationships. she doesn't listen, theres nothing there.

the kids have friends over rarely as I don't like people in my house I get uncomfortable and I get worried they might hurt themselves, fall down the stairs, mess up the house. just panic.

DaffodilTime Mon 20-Mar-17 21:50:02

If she's not helping do you want to change therapist? Did you want her just to understand that it's difficult to bond you mean or did you want her to suggest different advice or not give any?
I think the most important thing for your children is what do you think, and maybe even what do you think you can do to help, if you can think of anything and if you really are worried. read about 'love bombing' too if you have time .

I don't know what to say about your reasons for not liking kids over as i am quite laid back on stuff like that and regularly help with extra children for the friend I mentioned (I collect and look after her DC a lot) but as it gets warmer it might be easier to meet your children's friends in the park.

Do you want to talk about byour children and what do they enjoy? Are there things you can have fun with together?

DaffodilTime Mon 20-Mar-17 21:52:24

Also do learn not to be hard on yourself- I'm often thinking I'm not listening properly to our DC etc as there always seems so much to do, and no one will be doing it perfect !

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 20-Mar-17 22:51:55

Happy,
You talk about a lack of bond with your children. My SiL totally failed to bond with her children. She says she had no emotional attachment to any of them. It appears that sometimes that magic bond simply fails to appear. But it doesn't make you a bad or uncaring mother.

happyfrown Tue 21-Mar-17 09:37:09

it took nearly 2yrs to get more help, I asked for EMDR which other posters on here said is good for BPD but after years of begging gp and health care team they gave me my recent therapy, had 3 out of 16wks so far.
its just talking and she challenges my thoughts? my fear is i'll do 16wks and still not helped, then the battle of more therapy continues which I don't have the strength for.

the self hate, worthless thing is part of BPD and is quite deep set into me.
you sound like a great friend, your friend is lucky to have you. I know some mums like to have others kids in to keep their kids from under their feet but I sadly don't feel I can relax fret too much.

my eldest is 15 and he is more or less glued to technology and online with friends. my 12yr old is hard work he doesn't feel he can talk to me and would rather call his dad. he has no hobbies finds it hard to keep his mind occupied.
my 6yr old loves to be in the same room as me, she likes dance ,sings, plays with princess dolls.
they deserve better really, i feel awful on a daily basis that i cant be more loving mum.

happyfrown Tue 21-Mar-17 09:48:03

itsnoteasy. yes exactly the same just have no emotional attachment, its awful and a lot of people would hate to hear it. i suppose i deserve the hate really.
i have a slightly better connection to my dd. i care for them wouldn't let anyone hurt them, they have all they need. except the love, hugs and understanding of a mother they need. bit like my own mum.
theres no excuse, having lived a life like that myself you would think i would do it differently but its just not there. i hate who i am.

happyfrown Tue 21-Mar-17 09:49:48

can i ask if your SIL got any help to get a bond? did they stay with her? how did she get through the days?

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