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Every time i think i have this beaten, it comes back as something else...

(20 Posts)
SleepWhatSleep1 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:07:06

So depression in my teens turned into anorexia, which turned into bulimia which turned into self harming and alcohol, which turn d into depression again, then i finally thought i was through it and got post natal anxiety in my late thirties.
And i got through that.
But now the anxiety is back, with intrusive thoughts and contamination stuff, and also health anxiety, and depression.

I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. I've had so much counseling over the years, and tried so many ADs, and self help, but it just goes away then comes back in a new form. I feel like I'm in a red dwarf episode fighting with a polymorph!

I've tried CBT, therapy, in patient twice, day centres, seroxat, Prozac, amatryptillin, a couple of others as well.

Food isn't safe - I'm worried about food poisoning, chemicals, microplastic contamination.
Driving isn't safe - I'm convinced I've done something wrong or knocked a cyclist/pedestrian over.
I can't take the kids places - worried about asbestos in the buildings or them eating poisonous berries.
Work isn't safe for a hundred reasons (luckily Dh has a good job so I've quit to be a SAHM, but things are tight)
I can't sleep for worrying, if the kids would let me anyway (baby wakes at least every hour).

But what can i do that i haven't already tried?

Holland00 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:15:16

Get through one day at a time, go back to your GP and go from there.

Don't be put off treatments/medications that you don't feel have worked before, it doesn't necessarily mean they won't work at a different stage of your life.

Joto369 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:44:23

I understand how you feel as over the years I've had the same issue - feel ok then PMT, Feel ok then PND, then depression and anxiety, then I'm ok then anxiety gets worse and fixes on train phobia/plane phobia then don't like being away from home though I make damn sure I do go away and off for days. And then to panic attack when eating so worrying about that. And it's so damn tiring fighting with myself. To others I've a good job and am confident.i just have days when I think enough! But I keep going cos I won't let this beat me xxx

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sun 19-Mar-17 20:58:33

flowers to you.

I think that sometimes with MH rather than beating it its a case of learning how to manage our mental health over the long term. Its something DH and I are both working on at the moment.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 19-Mar-17 23:05:39

I agree with No Longer..

You can't stop being mentally unstable. it is part of who you sre that is as fundamental as your fingerprints. It is more a matter of learning how to live with it and love yourself for what you are. Life for the likes of us will never be the same as for "other" people because we hear a different tune and dance to a rhythm of our own.. We will always be a little outside..but that does not make us bad people

As it says... It's not easy being different..... but it can still be good.

AnxiousMunchkin Mon 20-Mar-17 05:41:22

Just wanted to echo what others have said (mostly). An SSRI antidepressant I hadn't tried before is helping me hugely now in my mid-30s when at least 7-8 other medications didn't when I was younger. I've been through therapy before but now I need different therapy as my issues have changed. I agree with learning how to manage our own mental health and accepting that some conditions are lifelong rather than situational so need lifelong management (and we can have situational problems on top of lifelong issues/tendencies, and things change as we change and our lives change).

I disagree with itsnoteasy though. It's not an inevitability that you will always be unstable, not at all. And in no way do "we" (mental health patients?) always have to be on the outside of "other" people (non mental health patients?). Anyone can have significant mental health problems, 1 in 4 of us do in any given year, I'd wager that the majority of people will suffer at some point in their lifetime. Everyone needs to learn how to manage their own mental health, whether they have diagnosable conditions or not, it should be part of how we educate our children, how we train and manage employees and regarded as a crucial life skill.

Anyway rant over. I'm not any kind of social outcast that 'normal' people can never understand because I'm 'different'.

OP are you under any care at the moment GP or psychiatrist? Do you feel that a current diagnosis would be useful to you? I was ambivalent about seeking a diagnosis for a long long time. However now I have received a diagnosis, well 2 actually <specialgrin> it has meant I have accessed tailored support for what I'm going through - email support from charities specialised in those conditions, attending a support group and meeting other people going through what I am going through, knowing what kind of specific therapy can help the symptoms I'm having at the moment (accessing that therapy is another matter, and another topic, but at least I know what could help!).

Please don't feel that you're beyond help and nothing will ever work. Things have worked before - you've beaten back the worst many times.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 20-Mar-17 07:23:46

Munchkin,
You raise an interesting issue. I am not sure how to describe it.

As you say, a quarter of the general population experience a mental health episode at some time in their lives. They are absolutely OK before and after so their illness could be likened to getting chicken pox.

Then there are others, like me, for whom mental health issues are part of them. They have a condition that needs management (medication) and can live vey much as part of society in general for as long as they take medication. These can be likened to diabetics. For them (us as I am one of these) here is no cure, only management.

But that does not mean life stops for me, (or my diabetic wife). It just means here are limitations on what we can do. My wife is not allowed to fly an airplane and cannot get a pilots license because of being diabetic... It also means we won't sail across the oceans in our boat but will only ever be in range of a helicopter. But within the limitations we have we can still have a wonderful life full of love and fun.

I made an assumption that What Sleep is part of the, I live with a mental health condition, group like me.

What Sleep, I apologise if I got that wrong.

Titsywoo Mon 20-Mar-17 07:28:51

I agree with no longer. I stopped fighting my anxiety a couple of years ago. I just accepted it would come and go and when it did I just told myself it would pass. I look after myself better now. I don't drink or smoke anymore and removed any caffeine from my diet. Plus I exercise hard a few times a week which helps a lot. I also don't overdo things in life so I can limit stress as much as possible. I actually don't get anxious much at all now.

SleepWhatSleep1 Mon 20-Mar-17 07:54:59

Thanks for the replies. I was really very low yesterday and actually walked out and sat on a beach with the intention of ending it all. But the ebf baby needed feeding, so that would have been hugely selfish.
No I'm not currently under any mh care and haven't been for years. Last time i found the NHS funded 6 sessions of CBT hugely unhelpful to someone like myself who has been there many times before, and ultimately a waste of their time and mine.
School run now so brb later

AnxiousMunchkin Mon 20-Mar-17 07:56:31

It's a quarter of the population will experience a MH problem each year. Not just at some point over their lifetime. When you think about it, it really must be most people.

Lifelong mental health disorders can be stabilised, and kept stable, as you say with medication, education, self-management, psychotherapy etc. We shouldn't get complacent, but it's not an inevitability that we'll always be unstable (however much it might feel like that when we are not well!). Just like a diabetic would not consider it inevitable that their diabetes will always be out of control - if they take their medication and maintain a healthy lifestyle, diet, exercise etc then it can be stable long term. So can we be as well. I have to keep believing! smile.

Anyway OP we don't want to derail your thread too much debating philosophy of mental health grin. What do you think about what we've all said?

NolongerAnxiousCarer Mon 20-Mar-17 21:12:32

OP I would encourage you to speak to your health visitor or GP about how you are feeling at the moment. As you have a little one could this be PND? I've had a couple of episodes of depression and one of PTSD with associated anxiety, but with the right treatment have had many well years inbetween. Currently making working on being mentally healthy in general day to day. As you know you have got better before, and you can again.

SleepWhatSleep1 Mon 20-Mar-17 21:49:57

I don't think it's pnd as such - more that the lack of sleep and general relentless household chores haven't helped, but mainly that i never get time to do my self help stuff. Some child always needs me, i never get even a wee! And he doesn't sleep or nap unless held... You get the picture? I don't think I've had 3 or even 2 hours sleep in a row since he was born, and the others also still wake some nights.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Mon 20-Mar-17 22:17:12

That does sound tough, do you have a DP or other family member who can give you a bit of a break for some time for yourself. I don't have kids yet but I know when DH has been poorly in the past he has not slept for days on end it has quickly reduced me to a gibbering wreck.

Feeling suicidal is not normal though, it really is worth speaking to your GP or health visitor especially with your history of mental illness.

SleepWhatSleep1 Tue 21-Mar-17 10:17:32

I have put in a self referral to our MH services, so that will probably be a couple of months before someone gets back to me. After my first pregnancy when i had post natal anxiety it took 3 months - saw my GP who told me it is all self referral now, gave me a link, and off i trotted​.
Apparently when i finally got to speak to someone they said 3 months was classed as urgent and quick because i was in the post natal period... hmm

Yes i have a DH - who incidentally sleeps in the spare room and has done since we had kids as he really doesn't do broken sleep well, and the kids don't want him in the night anyway. Certainly there's not a lot he can do with an ebf baby. Well the baby has started solids but not really taken to it. He's also dairy and soya intolerant so can't have formula.
So no i don't have anyone who can help. The 3 year old is very clingy to me as well and won't go with her father. She's supposed to be starting preschool after Easter a few morning s a week - hopefully!

I'm just broken today. The baby woke about every 45mins, the 3year old woke twice with bad dreams and needed a lot of cuddlng, and the 5yo decided her bedroom was too scary. I could try and do something for me, but there is nothing i want to do. Nothing that would make me happy right now.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Tue 21-Mar-17 18:41:13

Glad that you have made the self referal. If you don't feel that you can keep yourself safe you can go to A&E and they will get you an emergency assessment, or you can call crisis team direct, the number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard.

Have you talked to your DH about how you are feeling? I've found that just telling DH how much I am struggling can give a huge sense of relief. And if he knows then you can tackle it together.

SleepWhatSleep1 Tue 21-Mar-17 18:48:58

I've sort of talked to him, but it's difficult because it all comes down to how tired I am, and then he self flagellates about not being able to help more, and somehow me no getting more help from him ends up as being all my fault.
And as sure as eggs are eggs, if there's something "wrong" with me, then all of a sudden he will be coming down with something as well.

SleepWhatSleep1 Tue 21-Mar-17 18:56:34

You'd think he'd notice something is wrong though. And it's not as if he doesn't know about my MH struggles.
Today the kids have mainly been watching cbeebies iPlayer, had pasta pesto for tea, i haven't had the energy to do anything with them. I haven't been arsed to brush my hair, shave my legs, read a book for months. I have no energy to cook meals I'm only going to bin anyway (fussy eaters) so I've given up on that and fed them pasta or nuggets (and very obvs) most nights for weeks - and that's always been a big thing g for me - making sure the kids eat well and varied. I haven't even got the energy to feel guilty about it sad

NolongerAnxiousCarer Tue 21-Mar-17 19:47:50

DH and I have developed a scoring system out of 10 to communicate how bad things are. We realised one day when after telling him how much I was strugling the previous day he asked how I was. I said ok meaning no worse, he took it to mean completely ok no problems. The other thing is I often think if we are still on our feet they think we are ok. I would be tempted to take the baby and go to bed as soon as he gets home teling him you're ill and he needs to feed the other kids and put them to bed.

SleepWhatSleep1 Tue 21-Mar-17 20:01:29

Scoring system sounds like a good idea! Well I've got the baby to sleep (for now). Currently cuddling 3yo to sleep, while Dh reads to 5yo.
All I've got to do is clean my teeth, then hit the sack myself. Sod having a shower - i need sleep more!

NolongerAnxiousCarer Tue 21-Mar-17 20:37:09

Hope you get some sleep tonight flowers

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