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I hate my life and wish it could be over

(27 Posts)
leftsideout Sun 19-Mar-17 11:48:07

I was 30 last week and I hate hate hate my life so much. Every one of my friends has their weekends filled with their other half, most are married with kids, and have that person there for the day to day things. On my 30 I had lunch with my mum, dad and sister, and afterwards we went shopping for my mums new sofa. My best friend took me out which was lovely. But when I compare this to most people's 30th, I feel like life is passing me by.

I'm independent, I own my own home and I earn enough money to get by ok without anyone else. When I date, people always want to go out again but I'm not that bothered.

Yet here I am on Sunday again, stupidly reading facebook and instagram and seeing people actually living their life.

I just want to be married and pregnant. There, I said it. I am so lonely but no matter how many dates I go on, I can't seem to find anyone who interests me enough to meet again. And I have tried. I;m wondering now if I have just become so depressed by the situation that I can't even see a decent man even when they're right in front of me.

I can't face being alone forever, and if I did I would know it was a very superficial empty life. I can't do it anymore. I want to not be here, my life is such a huge huge waste.

BusyHomemaker Sun 19-Mar-17 11:50:22

You sound like you have a lot going for you but are in a rut. Perhaps some counselling might help you to figure out how to live a life that will make you happy?

leftsideout Sun 19-Mar-17 11:53:33

I would be happy if I was married and settled and looking after my family. I know that brings all sorts of stresses too, and it wouldn't always be fun, but I know that it's what I want most in life above anything else.

Believeitornot Sun 19-Mar-17 11:56:55

I would suggest stop looking at instagram and other social media. People present a perfect life but miss out the grind.
I was married and had two kids by 30... it was too young and I feel like I'm missing out (35 now). The grass is always greener!

TheoriginalLEM Sun 19-Mar-17 11:58:29

Facebook is the work of the devil! im "married" with children and i an torn between looking at single friends posts saying how great their lives are and friends with families pisting their perfect days out.

90% of that is try too hard bullshit. The people posting have the same boring, mundane life as the rest of us. They just document it to the nth degree! i am not very far from deleting my account tbh.

i can't imagine doing the whole "dating" thing - ive never been on a date in my life. How awkward. I know that is how its done these days but rather than the whole dinner/drinks type date why not try an activity you both enjoy, looking principally for a companion to enjoy doing stuff with.

I have single friends who get lonely and envious if my set up but equally i get envious of their freedom and ability to please themselves.

leftsideout Sun 19-Mar-17 12:00:00

I have started looking into having a child on my own. Then I just feel weird for wanting to do that. I just want to not be here. I really and truly hate my life and I have achieved nothing and will have lived a selfish life just for myself.

Tenpenny Sun 19-Mar-17 12:07:44

Op you sound like I did in my late twenties. Ive always gone through patches of loneliness and changed friendship groups and ended up feeling just like you. I ended up settling down with someone I really shouldn't have in order to have dd and am now getting divorced, so please do not rush getting married and having a baby!

If I could speak to the lonely, desperate girl I was before all that I'd tell her to fill her life up with the things she enjoyed doing, carve out more interests and just do and see as much as possible. Do you feel this would help you..?

I know it feels that way but being married and having a baby is not the be all and end all. Use your freedom and independence to your full advantage while you can.

leftsideout Sun 19-Mar-17 12:10:18

tenpenny, but you must feel really glad you have dd though?

i just feel like everyday is such a waste. i do things that i enjoy...reading and seeing friends for lunch etc. but it's not what i truly want out of life. i want a family and i feel so depressed that nothing will ever fill that void

Squills Sun 19-Mar-17 12:11:36

You have achieved a lot though haven't you? You have your own home, are independent and earn enough to support yourself... you just haven't found a partner. Better that than jumping in and started a family with someone you don't love. Give yourself time, stop being so hard on yourself. Thirty is young. This time next year you could be settled down with someone.

As for social media... I deleted my Facebook account a couple of years ago. The amount of self-absorbed crap people write about themselves just made me annoyed. Perhaps stop looking at social media?

Chin up!

leftsideout Sun 19-Mar-17 12:14:41

i do need to stop looking at social media definitely. im just so low about having to deal with life's day to day shit on my own. i KNOW life can still be shitty with someone - ive been in a long term relationship in the past and of course it doesnt make everything perfect.

i just want someone to hug when the electricity bill is higher than we thought, or someone to make a cup of tea with once in a while. stupid basic stuff like thar.

Esoteric Sun 19-Mar-17 12:22:41

Hey, please believe people on here when they say that it's very easy to think life's a bed of roses if paired up, read some domestic violence ones and cheating ones, life 'can' be better if with someone but it is new means guaranteed

QueenieMum Sun 19-Mar-17 12:27:54

Do you have friends that can do the hugs/bills thing with you? I felt exactly like you do when I turned 30 - no boyfriend, no children, not a great job. But concentrating on what I didn't have didn't help and thinking "if only I had X, Y and Z I'd be happy" wasn't true either. I now wish I hadn't wasted so much time thinking about what I didn't have and spent more time doing stuff I enjoyed. The saying "if you can't be happy with yourself you'll never be happy with anyone else" is true. Children don't fill voids either, they can drain you of time, energy, money and sense of self as well as being wonderful. As other posters have said social media rarely gives a true glimpse into other people's lives so don't believe everything you see on there. You have so much going for you even if you can't see it right now. Fill your life with stuff you enjoy and make this time about you without having to take anyone else into consideration.

FrenchLavender Sun 19-Mar-17 12:30:26

I have started looking into having a child on my own.

Oh don't be silly, it's not that drastic yet. You are clearly capable of attracting men, you just haven't met the right one yet. It's a goodthing that you have exacting standards and high expectations where men are concerned and don't grab desperately at every unsuitable bloke out of sheer panic or low self esteem. You are too young to be throwing in the towel and going for a donor just yet.

And if a proper relationship is what you want then you have a much better chance of finding it without a child in tow. Lone parenting is fucking hard. It's relentless. It wrecks your social life and it saps your time and energy. It complicates things hugely with every bloke you will meet. It is very off-putting for lots of decent single men. If you separate after having a child then there's not much that can be done about it but for God's sake don't choose to be a lone parent when you don't have to.

Cut your social media usage right, right back. Stop looking at everyone else's life from a sad distance and get out and live your own. Get hobbies and interests where you might meet likeminded guys rather than relying solely on OLD. The sooner you stop looking for the right bloke and just get on with enjoying life, the quicker he is likely to land in your lap.

Are you in a position to rent your house out for a year and go travelling? Volunteering?

Tenpenny Sun 19-Mar-17 12:32:50

I am enormously grateful for my wonderful daughter, but heres how i see it.

If I had only focused on how I could make myself happier in my late twenties On My Own - whether it was a new job/career, travel, new interests - I'm certain the contentment I'd have found would have put me in better stead to attract a better partner, and in turn a better relationship to have a child in. I'd have saved myself from almost a decade of on/off depression and anxiety. I still feel I have done my child a disservice by having her with the "wrong" man - as ridiculous as that sounds.

Try thinking of it this way.

One day, you will have that family. You will have a partner and a child.

Until then, what can you do in your life that you will enjoy? The world is your oyster, it really is.
IGNORE Facebook etc. It is made up of facades.

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 19-Mar-17 12:36:00

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Sending strength from all at MNHQ. flowers

PacificDogwod Sun 19-Mar-17 12:36:59

I would be happy if I was married and settled and looking after my family.

You do not know that.
Plenty of very unhappy married parents out there.

Please do access some counselling.
Stop ruminating over what your don't have and concentrate on what you do.
Reframe your life and celebrate all the options you have.
Stop looking for The One and DO STUFF: learn a new skill, start volunteering, take up a sport, travel or whatever.

Don't sit at home and stare at FB/Instagram - you are losing all grip on reality doing that. Thinking what you see on there is RL is like watching Pretty Woman and thinking that is what prostitution is like grin

Rarity75 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:37:56

I was getting divorced at 30 with no kids. I thought I was on the shelf. I ended up meeting someone and having a baby at 35. The relationship didn't work out unfortunately. But I know have a lovely DF and DSS. We make a happy family of four. There are times where it is grim and I have no time to myself!

Don't give up I met my DF waiting for a burger to be cooked in my local chippy!

I do understand though how hard it is when everywhere you look you see pregnant ladies and families. I'm now 41 and considering ttc. You have time flowers

PhoenixJasmine Sun 19-Mar-17 12:40:40

You're not doing too badly, OP. You don't know that you would be happy married and settled and raising children. You want those things and you believe you would be happy, but you can't know until you're there. You can work towards being happy with what you have, now - things aren't wasted just because you're not married or a parent yet. You're wishing your life away, you don't know what's around the corner.

Have you ever practiced mindfulness? You have to stick at it but it can really help you see the wood for the trees and live in the present moment more. Being in a marriage and parenting are mostly about giving to others.... are there ways you could scratch that itch in the meantime? Voluntary work supporting people in some way perhaps?

Sorry if those suggestions sound daft, I'm just thinking what's helped me. At 30 I was similar, worse position even - single, failed LTR, no permanent employment, no house, little savings. I spent my 30th birthday having dinner with a friend whom I didn't even tell it was my birthday, as I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 19-Mar-17 12:41:59

When I date, people always want to go out again but I'm not that bothered

This statement stood out. To get to the next step you do actually have to put yourself out and get out of your comfort zone.

Whilst you might not find the person interesting but getting out with someone is breaking the cycle you have got yourself into.

A few single friends go on internet dating sites. They go out sometimes 5 or 6 nights per week they see different guys. Some great some not so great. One ended up marrying the brother of one of the guys she dated.

Jenice Sun 19-Mar-17 12:42:03

You are clearly not having a problem meeting people but just not feeling that spark... What is it you are looking for in a partner? The perfect partner does not exist but maybe you need a different way of meeting people. Just remember none of us are perfect.

A friend of mine was feeling very much like you for a long time and fed up of having date after date with people they met in the pub or people connected to their group of friends but not finding the one. He then decided to try online dating with one of the sites that match by interests and compatibility. He found a fantastic woman who he is now married to with 2 children. Online dating doesn't need to be about hooking up and relationships are possible. Not everyone has that type of positive outcome but was just thinking that a change in the way you meet people may be required. What's that phrase about madness being doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Also, social media can be a great thing but also can be an awful way of making people feel lonely so probably not a good thing while you are feeling vulnerable.

Lastly, maybe take a break from the husband hunt and focus on yourself and finding comfort in your own company. 30 is still young and you have plenty time meet someone.

PhoenixJasmine Sun 19-Mar-17 12:44:12

Btw one thing that has helped me enormously is stopping engaging in social media. I'm definitely masses happier since (mostly) ditching that.

Butterfliesarefragile Sun 19-Mar-17 12:48:10

I'm married to a quite wealthy guy and have a child, lovely house and quite a lot of my own money. Could buy a couple of small houses level with savings of my own made when I was modelling and also in my professional job. I have spent some of my life as an in patient and am under a MH team for life as I'm incredibly mentally unstable at times. But to the world it looks fantastic.

You are depressed and need to get some help, if you are planning on ways to end your life. Be totally honest with your GP nothing you say will shock them, seriously they have to put up with folk like me. Sounds like an episode of situational depression lots of people get this.

I will never ever have a proper loving relationship with anyone I'm too unwell so I'm the trophy wife of a man that loves the way I look and finds my craziness exciting.I flew to Spain once to buy an evening dress I wanted, looks great on FB. I don't have access to my own passport currently, it's for my own protection as I was going to fly to abroad to meet a man I had an online affair with when in full blown mania. I was also going to buy him an apartment.

So sometimes I'm sat next to the head of a multinational company at a black tie dinner while DH is trying to cut deals and you can tell these guys are drooling over the hot wife and sometimes I can't even leave the house and have to have carers. He can afford to pay to hide the problem. Even his family have no idea just how unwell I am.

Life is never what it seems, mine is extreme I guess.

jultomten Sun 19-Mar-17 12:54:07

I feel for you op.
But to be open to having a good relationship with someone you must first feel good about yourself!
So let's focus on what you have achieved already at the young age of 30!
What you are proud of?
It's difficult looking for love. There is no perfect partner. There is only a partner with imperfections you can live with.
But you do need a spark..
maybe a change of scenery? A holiday? a move? Could change your perspective?
But don't give up!
After 30 when you meet someone, you don't wait 4 years for marriage and a baby like in your 20. You meet, fall in love and within a year you can be married and 8 months pregnant!
Good luck, and stay positive!

peanut2017 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:55:42

Hi as people have said get off social media. It's all bullshit & not reflective of real life. Gave it up in August and it's a relief. I was single for years before I met my husband at 34 years of age so had all the same with friends all married with kids and feeling on my own. When we were 28 - 4 of my closest friends got married.

Two of them split up - one remarried & is having difficulty having children. The other is single with two kids. He had an affair.

Another is with her other half since she was 16 years & my feeling is she is with him as they have 3 kids together.

I get the feeling of loneliness and I used to find weekends & bank holidays the hardest but if you don't find some happiness before you meet someone suddenly being with someone won't fix everything & solve all your problems. The stuff there before has a way of raising its head when you are with someone.

Focus on yourself for awhile & perhaps go to counselling and figure out why you are not giving some guys a chance? Have you been hurt in the past? That was my thing looking back, had a big wall up but then even though I would have loved to have met my Hubbie a few years earlier maybe it wouldn't have worked out. Timing is a big part of it

PhoenixJasmine Sun 19-Mar-17 13:05:09

butterflies thankyou for sharing that so honestly. I'm sorry bipolar disorder (I'm assuming) can be so shit.

How do you feel about your own mental health, OP - does depression sound like what you're feeling?

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