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Husband and counseling(8 Posts)
Name changed for this. Myself and husband have only had sex a handful of times in the last 2 years. It all started (or stopped really!) When I got pregnant. He agreed to go to gp who sent to him counselling. It's been two months since he started going to counseling we still haven't even tried to have sex.
I don't know what I expected from him going to weekly counseling but I would have thought he would have been given some advice or things to start doing. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking that and maybe that's not how it works.
Has anyone been in similar situation and gotten results?
2 months isn't that long in terms of councelling, it depends what the underlying issues are. Its not necessarily a case of giving him some tips and tricks to get him in the mood. Not got personal experience with regards to sex, but plenty of experience of councelling for other issues.
Has he discussed why he doesn't want to do it often? Was it a traumatic birth? Or a normal birth but he found it trumatic, I've heard that some med can be traumatised by seeing their DP go through the pain etc and not being able do anything. Does he have an ED problem? DHs meds cause problems in this area which he found very upsetting the first time, then we both avoided the issue for a long time, him due to confidence, me as I didn't want to pressure him. If he depressed? Depression causes reduced sex drive. Theres so many things that could be causes. Do you still have intimate time together?
He missed birth so def not that. DH told me counsellor said his issues were due to confidence but he hasn't come home with any insight in how to gain confidence! It's really expensive attending every week and really putting a strain on our finances.
I would have just thought 2 months he would get some "homework" on how to increase confidence and at least try have sex
In my experience of councelling I've never been given homework, or confidence building techneques. Just worked through the underlying issues, which takes time. If he's looking for techneques to use for confidence I would reccomend nlp ( neurolinguistic programming ) and its content free so he wouldn't have to talk about the issues with sex either, and it give instant results in my experience. CBT is another therapy that challenges your thinking processes but no personal experience of that.
If the problem is sexual confidence then a sex therapist would be more qualified to help than most counsellors.
Is he having specific psychosexual therapy or general counselling? Has the GP run tests to check cardiovascular function, diabetes, testosterone levels etc? If is an ED problem then tried medication?
General counselling is often more about exploring issues and supporting people to work through whatever is causing them distress. Not necessarily giving homework. I have done CBT (for anxiety/depression) and had homework exercises but it wasn't actually specific to my problems IYSWIM but working through various exercises/thought experiments or learning techniques which I could then use on an ongoing basis to manage my issues, rather than just 'do' therapy and bang, fixed.
In terms of how you can support him, I'd back off totally on expecting sex, and talk to him about how he's feeling, how he wants to work on the problem, is it even a problem for him. Is it just sex that's the problem or does he have other things going on. You can't just demand 'results', he's your partner not an employee . The relationships board may offer more support although I expect it would quickly deteriorate into "LTB your libidos are mismatched" and/or "stop being a sex pest"
Thanks for the replies
@anxiousmunchkin those are the things I'm afraid of being said, I'm even afraid that's what the therapist will say.
I don't even expect sex anymore which is the saddest part for me as feels like we have both given up.
He has had full medical and blood tests all came back as perfect.
I also thought a sex therapist would be better but this is the guy who gp recommended. His bio says he does sex therapy.
I think the reason I thought I'd see results was that counsellor said DP would need 6 sessions and now they are up I feel nothing has been gained/fixed but I suppose it's not for me to decide if there is improvement but DP
Usually sex therapy involves homework tasks and quite often you would be involved in this, if not in early stages, most certainly in later stages.
Just because GP has recommended someone it doesn't mean they are the best fit for your husband. Particularly if you are paying privately for the service - may be worth seeking out alternatives or researching whether there is a specialist service in your area (our region has one specialist service free on NHS but with long waits).
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