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Really struggling

(6 Posts)
FairytalesAreBullshit Sat 18-Mar-17 07:58:59

I wasn't sure where to post this, I thought this place was probably best.

I suffer from suicidal ideation, I've seen a psychiatrist, in decades I've never got past planning it, so no self harm, but I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, I keep it all to myself. Once or twice I've been really bad so they've had support in, but tried to shake it off ASAP as I feel ok if that makes sense, even though I don't. I struggle with anxiety and worrying. I'll worry about any which crazy scenario comes into my head.

I suffer with PTSD as a result of bad experiences, I was given a pack on it. But never followed up the counselling as I'm physically ill too, I found if you have or report a mental health issue, some doctors don't take you seriously, which is annoying, but one of them things.

My physical health is really bad and has been for as long as I can remember. It's on a decline, so just when you think it couldn't get worse something else happens. This impacts friendships, as people like to feel good about themselves, so they set about trying to find a resolution and there isn't one, when it hits home this is me, they struggle with it and distance themselves. Or in the past I've had friendships when I was working, where the people pretty much liked my bank balance, because I'm a bit soft and won't see people suffer if I can help it.

My husband that I've been with for a long time, he's wanting to have his own place. I think he yearns for a normal life, with someone that can do things I can't. I totally adore my children, when he's ranting that I should move out it upsets them understandably, if I'm honest it breaks my heart for them and myself, I thought we'd grow old together. My children are a big motivation in being here. But my husband will highlight every negative thing about me, which makes me feel crap, I feel upset as I've done and do so much good for him. If he wants something he's sweet as anything, when he's got it his demeanour returns to the usual crap.

I can't do much with physical limitations, but I offer as much as I can, it's like he loves being the martyr, he loves doing stuff and moaning how I do nothing. It annoys me that no one gets the concept, if I could be cured tomorrow, return to my old career, not need help, there is nothing I would love more. But the people around me family wise act like this is a choice. An example I knew my husbands work were recruiting, I wanted to speak to a big manager and say ok I can't work in an office, but I could do stuff from home. Firstly the hubby said no, then he said they wouldn't allow someone to work from home, so I've really tried.

I come from a big family, but they are very right wing, worship the Daily Mail, that kind of thing. I don't claim anything because I know it would be more ammunition for them. They get on great with my husband and children, but really don't get the whole disability thing.

I get like a feeling in my heart and chest, I really understand where the words heart broken come from. I feel like that quite a lot. I feel that it's sad my husband hates me so much, even though I've done so much for him. He was having a go the other day before school, one of my children looked at me and smirked. I spent 2 hours crying when they'd gone and hubby had gone to work.

I feel so helpless, I don't want to be in this situation, it's not a choice, I had an amazing career, that went down the pan as I just couldn't make it in, they couldn't accommodate me working at home anymore than I was. Even though to me, in the office productivity is low because everyone is chatting and gossiping. I want so badly to achieve things, some unrealistic, some within reach but would be hard. An example would be read a book, do a bit of a hobby, but I can't sit long to do a hobby, I can't hold a book too long or my hands go numb and my joints dislocate.

It's been said that I basically exist, which I believe to be true. I noticed tonight, or honestly over the last few weeks, my husband has given up wanting to help me. He moans about having to work and commute, plus take the children to hobbies, the housework. I feel for him as it must be hard, at the same time, if I could I would. He doesn't like me going with him to the children's hobbies as he loves the interaction with parents, especially female ones. He'll say it's not really suitable for x/y/z reason.

I know I mentioned my family, but that's been going on so long it doesn't bother me that much. I'm lucky to have siblings that care, I've done all I could to help them in the past so it's reciprocated. It would be nice if I had the option of somewhere to go like living with them. I wouldn't impose myself on them or anything, they wouldn't know I was there.

My children are absolute diamonds, they are the best ever. With me being ill and them helping me they get support at school through young careers or something like that. They find things I can do, so silly games, we have so much fun with the simplest of things. I help with homework, I do all I can with them, to prove that no matter what their Dad thinks of me, hopefully they know I try my hardest.

Being ill really sucks, if I wasn't ill I don't think I'd have half the problems I do mentally. The feeling of heart break, isolation, anxiety, worry, getting upset and ideation are circumstantial. Although I'd probably still worry and have a bit of anxiety, but not as bad.

I posted a few weeks back about benefits, someone said something that really struck home, look at a picture of yourself as a child and think what does that person deserve. So working up the courage to do that, but that's extra stress and worry. My family and husband are against it, but I literally have no money for myself.

I'm trying to get something sorted with something else and I'm getting ignored, that's frustrating me as it's delaying help that could make a real impact. I guess I need to try DP again to see if I can get the support I need. There's lots to do, but it's finding the energy and courage to do it.

The way my husband is at the moment, housing is another thing I'll need to sort. Ideally it would be supported housing on a complex, it sounds weird but I would enjoy that and getting to socialise, with help on hand and people who know how to get the help I need. But I'm not sure how that impacts benefits if you're living in such an environment.

If I had a wand I'd use my wishes on others, that's just how I am.

I guess one thing I should try is trying to read a book or something. That would be good. It'd be better than achieving nothing apart from what I do with my children. I can't tell you how much I love and adore them.

Before anyone says it, I do get why my husband would want to trade in this old wreck for something new and shiny. I think it doesn't help that he talks to other Mums who do everything, or Dads that have everything done for them. He wants a piece of that pie. It can't be easy watching someone suffer, I just wish he'd think before he opens his mouth. As with anyone that knows another person inside out, he knows how to press my buttons to really hurt me.

I don't know if anyone will reply or not. I just feel so lonely and overwhelmed right now.

Sorry this is so long, love to you all.

FairytalesAreBullshit Sat 18-Mar-17 10:53:32

It's 10:30am, hubby has been awake since 8am, but been out since 8:30am wi one of the children for a sports match. We've spent roughly 15 minutes together, he's said 3 times about me moving.

I don't know if my expectations are too high, but he's a higher rate tax payer, there's excess each month that is saved. I suggested if I did find something (My amazing siblings are trying to sort it) I should get at least £2k considering what I've contributed in circa 15 plus years. Considering he's mentioning it at every opportunity, surely it's not that much for me to get out of his hair. (Not literally, I'm not like a queen nit!)

If I stayed with a sibling I would need to decorate the room, plus I'd want to help a bit with a few things they need. But even if I got social housing, I'd have to carpet the place and get basic furniture. I'm happy to use cheap places that help those not well off. But did wonder about second hand beds and bed bugs etc.

He's got in and is not the least bit interested in being quiet. Bloody stupid programme he's watching, as he hasn't grown up reslly, apart from the job I encouraged and applied for him. So some recompense for having to against.

I can't say I'm overly fussed, just pissed he keeps going over it and repeating himself. I don't think £2k is that much for him considering. He's also swearing, which not even eldest DC is permitted to do.

Weekends are so stressful, hibernation would be amazing.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sat 18-Mar-17 14:21:04

Hi Farytales

flowers to you, it sounds really tough. Looking after someone else can be tough, but it doesn't entitle them to put you down or belittle you. Some of what you describe sounds like emotional abuse and he sounds quite controlling. Have you considered phoning womens aid? They might be able to offer advise. I would also seek legal advice about what you are entitled to financially if you split (I take it he's talking divorce) you have contributed years of your relationship, carried and cared for the children and worked until your condition deteioriated, you might be entitled to more than you think (do you joint own the family home, if so you would be entitled to a proportion on the value). Don't short change yourself 2K isnt much at all if you own the house and he has savings (if you are married half of his savings are your too legally)

Have you got a social worker? If not I would phone your local gateway to care. If you are looking at supported living I think you will need a social worker assessment of your care needs, they can also point you in the right direction for advice on benefits. Whilst you are living with your husband his income may prevent you getting ESA, it will depend on your NI contributions in the past, but if you leave you will likely be entitled to ESA with a sicknote from your Dr. PIP is not income related and is awarded based on your level of independace with daily activities and travel, it takes a few months to set up though. Citizens advice will be able to help advice you and help you fill it in in a way that proberly explains your difficulties and therefore gives you the best chance of gettingvit if you are entitled. You might also be entitled to something called attendance allowance if you need carers, which can be used to pay for care. They can also advise on housing benefit. Get propper advice about whst you are entitled to before agreeing anything with your husband. Regardless of if you are moving out or not look into PIP theres no good reason for your H to stop you claiming what you are entitled to whether you live with him or not. Is he against you having your own income? If so that smacks of financial abuse.

I'm recovering from PTSD and there are some very effective treatments for it (traditional councelling is not one of them and can make it worse) something called Eye Movement Integration worked for me and there is another similar therapy called EDMR which seems to be more mainstream and available on the NHS. So there is hope for seeing improvement with this too when you are in a place to deal with it.

FairytalesAreBullshit Sun 19-Mar-17 01:28:36

When I spoke to my GP ages ago I explained what had happened and that it was affecting me, I got a print off which was like a PTSD workbook.

I've been on previous mortgages, but when we moved to get more space, DH insisted if I wasn't on the mortgage then why should I be on the deeds. (Because I've contributed to housing and bills for 15 years plus maybe!) so not sure if I was daft not chasing it up, but I remember our solicitor being less than bloody useless. Trying to get hold of them considering the costs was a joke. DH put a condition on like he's done with school, where basically I don't call up or anything, as if I do school are obliged to call him ASAP and speak to him. I'd basically aired a concern I had about one of DD's friends who was subtlety bullying her, DH got angry as he's good friends with the family. But I felt like something should be done. So now I feel like I can't really call as DH basically made me out to be a liar, even though both parties are separate sides of the classroom due to bickering and disrupting lessons. An example being DD wanted her own pencil case, so I made this happen, got pencil crayons with names on etc. After a few weeks most of the contents were missing.

I don't think they do legal aid anymore for family issues like divorce. DH knows I couldn't afford one at all. So in his head, I'm pretty much doing what he requests.

Thanks for your reply, I think the CAB is a great idea. I really need to make a big to do list of everyone I need to speak to.

I hope you're as ok as can be, sorry you have PTSD too.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sun 19-Mar-17 10:02:48

I'm ok thanks, my PTSD has resolved now since having the Eye Movement Integration. I'm pretty sure a workbook would have been worse than useless for me as the flashbacks and anxiety wouldn't allow me to even think about the event. Personally I would push your GP to refer you for specific trauma therapy preferably EMDR, theres loads of people on here who have found it lifechanging.

The more you say the more alarm bells are ringing for me regarding domestic abuse. Financial - not putting you on mortgage or deeds to house, not wanting you to apply for a job and work from home, not wanting you to claim benefits and have your own income. Making sure you cant afford a solicitor and not being willing for you to have any money to leave him even though hes telling you you have to leave. Emotional -putting you down and critisising you infront of the children. Not allowing the school to speak to you without ringing him. Not allowing you to speak to the solicitor. Not liking to take you to watch your kids activities. My advice would be to speak to womens aid they will be able to advise if his behaviour constitutes abuse. Also post in relationships on here theres lots of people with experience of abuse and leaving abusive relationships. I have a feeling that legal aid may still be available in cases of domestic abuse. Abuse isn't just physical violence, its includes financial abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, negect etc, and it's not uncommon for the abuser to take the role of a 'carer' and convince you that their behaviour is reasonable, for your own good etc. Give womens aid a call on 0808 2000 247 or email

CAB may be able to advise you with regards to any entitlements to the house, his savings etc too.

Nancy91 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:19:03

Your husband sounds vile, don't blame yourself for that, he would have shown his true colours eventually whether you were well or not.

You sound like a lovely person and you clearly love your children very much.

I hope you get everything sorted flowers

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