No replies in mental health-hopeless and despairing

[Helpmeplease30]

I posted this in mental health, but really need someone to read and reply now. Can feel myself getting worse by the hour and feeling very alone.

I feel like there is no hope left for me. I have exhausted all options in the NHS. Tried nearly 10 types of meds and none of them did anything. Psychiatrist agrees that there's no medication likely to work now. Been turned down for any therapy due to inability to talk properly about my issues. Tried private therapy for a while but had the same problem. Wanted to do emdr but told I don't fit the criteria because I don't have a good enough support network. Which I don't. No family support, no partner, live alone, lots of friendship issues. I have tried really hard to be open to different things but nothing has worked. I used to be well supported by friends but even they've had enough of me. I've had enough of me. There really is nothing left is there?

[DesignedForLife]

I don't have the answers but there is always hope. 10 years ago I was constantly suicidal, severely ill in many ways, with CFS that no one could do anything about. Now I'm relatively healthy and happy and working through issues as they come up. Please don't give up, keep on talking steps.

[DesignedForLife]

Sorry posted too soon. I don't really know what to suggest without knowing a bit more about what you're struggling with

[Fluffycloudland77]

Do you need to be protected from yourself at the moment?.

[Helpmeplease30]

In the bigger picture I'm struggling with past trauma. Currently also struggling with lack of support and inability to manage relationships with people. Not in danger of doing anything tonight. Wouldn't matter if I was though. Rang crisis team 2 weeks ago and asked to be admitted to hospital because felt I couldn't keep myself safe. They said hospital wasn't for people like me and suggested I got myself a kitten to keep me company. Couldn't have been anymore patronising

[Helpmeplease30]

What changed designed?

[FaithAgain]

Do you have a diagnosis? What do you struggle with?

I'm no expert, but I do sympathise with relationship difficulties and MH issues. I think if you can share more specifically MNetters might be able to offer more specific advice.

[Fluffycloudland77]

That's so unhelpful of them.

What kind of support do you need?.

[Helpmeplease30]

PTSD from childhood trauma. Don't want to say anymore than that

[witchmountain]

There is something left because you're still here, even it's just a tiny shred at the moment. It's so hard when you've had enough of yourself. Do you mind me asking how long you tried private therapy? It can take a really long time to be able to talk about what you need to, but even though it feels like you aren't doing anything (possibly for years), you are, you're gradually establishing a space where you can talk.

I don't know very much about EMDR but would the same restrictions apply if you accessed it privately?

[Helpmeplease30]

I don't know. My GP is lovely and keeps asking what do I want but I'm not the one trained in it all. I want someone to know what to do instead of keep saying that I'm not suitable for anything they can offer. I don't really care anymore what it is, I just need something because I can't manage this on my own anymore

[Helpmeplease30]

Sorry I don't know how to quote posts so I know it's all out of order.

The therapy I had was twice weekly for nearly a year. In the end she said she didn't think she could help anymore. The emdr assessment was private. She said no to pursuing it.

[Helpmeplease30]

I was also assessed for the emdr with the NHS but they could only offer 6 sessions and after the assessment they said no. Everyone says no they can't help. Yet they still expect me to carry on living

[mumofthemonsters808]

As long as we are alive there is always hope, it is not the end of the line, it just feels like it.Keep the faith, we all have a place in this life, you're just unable to see yours at the moment.Dont suffer in silence pick up the phone and ring the Samaritans, sometimes just hearing a voice at the end of a phone can alter your mind set, don't worry about being unable to speak, you can just listen.

[witchmountain]

It's ok, your posts still make sense.

It must be hard to keep going when you keep getting the message your are beyond help.

I don't think you are though. Twice weekly for almost a year is honestly not that much (!). Im sorry you ended up with a therapist who decided she couldn't help you, I feel disheartened just reading that. A good therapist will trust the process because they know it works and sit with it until it starts to come together. I've had years of psychodynamic psychotherapy and for large chunks of time I've felt like I'm getting nowhere and even that I would come out of sessions feeling worse. I'm sure for some of that time my therapist must have felt the same - like it wasn't helping - but he stuck with it.

[Helpmeplease30]

I can't afford anymore private therapy. Still sorting out the debt from the last lot. The NHS won't even put me on the waiting list anymore because I find talking so difficult.

I don't cope with phone conversations very well so the samaritans aren't a great option.

Unfortunately nothing seems to be very compatible with me

[witchmountain]

And I should say that it feels really different now. There was a long period where I'd have bursts of feeling like it was working and then terrible interludes where it felt like I was back to square one. Now it feels like I can actually use the time. On an conscious level I would have said I trusted him from the start, but I can see now that unconsciously it took years to really trust him.

[witchmountain]

Cross post, sorry. You may know this already but many therapists operate one sliding scale of fees according to income. And if you're in an area with training institutes they often offer a low fee option. But sorry if that is also out of reach.

I think even if you could get on the waiting list, there is not really any such thing as long term therapy on the NHS.

Is the EMDR criteria a standard thing, or might another therapist take a different view?

I feel for you OP, it's awful feeling like there's nothing left.

[witchmountain]

I would also have felt patronised by the suggestion to get a kitten. I am typing this from underneath a very cuddly rescue cat though, who does add to my life in ways I hadn't imagined.

Have things changed to make you feel more hopeless now? Or is it more of an accumulation?

[Helpmeplease30]

The problem with the subsidised counselling is that I earn too much for it. But not enough to pay the full amount without getting into more debt. The assessment I had last was for 12 month NHS therapy so it does exist but it's now not an option. I've tried looking for other emdr therapists but the ones near me all cost major money (£60+ a session) or have no spaces.

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

There is something from your childhood which you can't talk about. You feel alone. But, you are not alone with this.Can I suggest you look, again at MH and read some of the other conversations. There are quite a few people who have experienced some quite uncomfortable events in childhood which is why they are posting on the MH pages. They understand more of what you are feeling than you probably guess. To understqnd you are not alone may help you come to terms with your own situatiion.

Above all, please remember you are not a bad person because something happened to you.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Can you write it down? I literally empty the contents of my mind onto an A4 pad & it helps.

I feel better afterwards, it often doesn't make sense & its illegible due to the speed I write it in but it's not like I'm expecting anyone to read it.

[Helpmeplease30]

Yes I know I'm not alone in this. I have a friend who has been through something similar but she has kids who give her purpose and something to fight for. I just don't have that purpose I guess. I don't think I'm a bad person because of it but I know some of my behaviour now tips into that category and I'm not an easy person to get along with or be around.

Yes I also try the writing everything down which helps a bit. I have a few 'go to' strategies which ease things temporarily which is better than nothing but still not enough to make carrying on like this sustainable

[Fluffycloudland77]

Your very insightful into your own behaviour. What would bring you closure on what happened?.

[Helpmeplease30]

I think that's half the problem. I present as fairly ok, just about holding down a full time professional job (although am under disciplinary for my absences). I can put on a decent act most of the time but recently that's getting harder and I feel my behaviour getting more erratic and the mask slipping.

I honestly don't know. I want someone to know what to do. Am made to feel like a freak for not being able to talk. I shut down completely as soon as there is anything even vaguely difficult being discussed. It's not a conscious choice. I want someone (a professional) to have some kind of plan and be able to assure me there's some hope even if there's no guarantee. Unfortunately no one I've seen (psychiatrist, psychologist, gp, therapists) have been able to do that. I should probably take the hint.

[AnxiousMunchkin]

Sometimes just easing things temporarily and getting through the next little moment is all we can do. Has it been an ongoing decline for you or have there been times when it's got better or worse?

Samaritans can also offer support via text 07725909090 and email [email protected] if phone calls don't suit you. Just to offer a safe secure place to offload anything, work through your thoughts and emotions and be heard. It sounds like you are having suicidal thoughts, they're there to support you with those, not tell you want to do or even really try to change your mind, just to listen and help you talk things through.

There is also []napac.org.uk NAPAC]] (national association for people abused in childhood) might be able to offer some support or guidance if you feel they are suitable for what you've been through.

It all sounds really shit for you - not only have you been through this awful stuff as a child, leading to severe MH problems as an adult, but are then effectively being told by the people who are supposed to help you that you can't be helped. Not massively useful for you!

I echo the invitation to come over to the MH board again, sometimes posts can be slow but we're gradually gathering on the "whatever happened to the village" thread to support each other day to day with our various problems and generally offer solidarity. Although we've now made it a 'Fluffy' yurt, in honour of a wonderful previous MNer.