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His depression is back and our life is falling apart

(25 Posts)
wishesandkisses Thu 16-Mar-17 21:53:01

My partner is suffering. He's had a breakdown and is struggling to talk about it. He's getting confused/irritable/upset. Last work he cried and shook. I had to go to work today and I kept ringing him because he was looking after our son and I wanted to know they were both safe. My OH got mad because I kept ringing and I said I wanted to know they were both safe. Next thing I know my son is at my mother in laws for the (at least) next two nights. My OH is devestated but my MIL and apparently me have convinced him it's for the best. I didn't want this. I'm sat on the doorstep of the house we bought when we got pregnant, decorated for the arrival of our son, we were so ready for our life together and I'm just wondering how it''s come to this. I struggle with MH (not to the same extent) and I'm struggling too. My OH has asked for me not to speak to my friends/family about it cause they don't want him to know, he's asked I speak to my MIL and as much as I adore her I don't want to. I want to tell my mum and cry and be upset but I can't be. I try and talk to OH but he just bottles up and can't talk about it. I just want him to hold me and tell me it's okay but it's not in his capacity right now. I don't know what to do.

wishesandkisses Thu 16-Mar-17 21:54:09

Sorry typos---- last night --- he doesn't want them to know

GallivantingWildebeest Thu 16-Mar-17 21:56:19

I'd send your oh to his mum, and bring your DC back home.

Get oh to go to the GP.

And tell whoever you need to confide in, who will help.

Sounds very hard.

TheCakes Thu 16-Mar-17 21:56:52

Oh love, you need to talk to someone. You need support to support him. Can you count on your mum's confidence? If you want to talk to your mum, talk to your mum. This is such a tough time for you both and it's not fair to ask you to deal with it all alone. flowers

highinthesky Thu 16-Mar-17 21:58:44

Sorry that you're in such a tough position.

There's so much going on here so you need to prioritise. That means putting your son and yourself first and keeping a roof over your heads. Enlist MILs help with your OH. He needs some professional help but if he doesn't access it you will be the one that snaps.

Btw there's no reason you can't talk to your own mother about your troubles!

Good luck.

Bluntness100 Thu 16-Mar-17 22:02:42

I'd also agree, bring your son home. Send him to his mums. He's clearly got mental capacity and knows what he is doing. Speak to your mum, tell her what's going on, you need unbiased support. If required she won't tell him she knows but you need support and his mum won't be the one to provide it.

In the meantime he needs to Leave until he is well enough to function and be round your son. It's not right you should be deprived of your child and him his mum due to the fathers health issues.

wishesandkisses Thu 16-Mar-17 22:21:24

He's scared as he'll lose his driving licence as it was removed in the past due to meds/mental health and he has worked so hard to get it back and he relies on it so much.he has to reapply every year and they check his medical records. His mum said she will pay for councilling privately but I don't know if it'll get worse. He's on medication for something different now that can bring on bouts of depression but I feel this has been coming since before that. My son loves him more than me, he adores his daddy, he's devestated if he goes away for a night. He'll ask where he is and be desperate for him. sad

Bluntness100 Thu 16-Mar-17 22:24:25

Your son doesn't love him more than you. And quite frankly your son has neither parent right now. So it's a moot point really. I also don't see why he will lose his driving licence. No one suggested you report him. All that was said was get your son back, he deserves to be with at least one parent and tell your partner to go to his mums and concentrate on getting healthy.

wishesandkisses Thu 16-Mar-17 22:30:17

No but he loves being at his grandmas, he always says his he loves his gran the most and she's his best friend and if he's not at home he will think everything is okay and my partner control's it when he's around. I just want him home.

Foxsox Thu 16-Mar-17 22:34:57

Please get your boy and help Your OH by asking his mum to look after him.
Your son loves no one more than he loves you.
You are his mum.

GallivantingWildebeest Thu 16-Mar-17 23:14:13

Hmm, is his gran as manipulative as his father??

You are his mum. You're best for him.

wishesandkisses Thu 16-Mar-17 23:27:04

I am not here to bitch and moan about my partner or his mother in law. She's doing whatever she can to help and I wouldn't want everyone I spend time with who have a certain perception of me to know I was breaking. He wants some normality. I'm sure if I asked he would say yes but I'm not making his situation worse!

GallivantingWildebeest Fri 17-Mar-17 07:29:46

But you need someone to look after you and hear what you have to say too. Your h can't tell you who to talk to, and who not to. He can't support you and your dc at the moment, so you have to find someone else who can.

But it doesn't sound like you're listening to any of the advice here.

Get your dh to go to his GP for urgent MH advice. Does he have a social worker/MH worker he can contact directly?

highinthesky Fri 17-Mar-17 08:09:15

Your MIL sounds lovely btw! It is a blessing that DS adores her.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Fri 17-Mar-17 10:14:54

Wishes and Kisses,
I am sorry but Bluntness is very wrong when she says He's clearly got mental capacity and knows what he is doing . I am speaking from experience.

When I was falling apart and going downhill faster than a ski racer I knew what I was doing but I was totally out of control. I was so depressed that I could not see that how I was behaving was in any way not normal. I was about to move to Iqaluit north of the Arctic circle as it seemed a good idea. I was picking fights with people for doing mundane things. I was drinking heavily and making mistakes at work. The management took against me for being seriously ill and tried to stick a capability review on me.

I was lucky my wife stood by me and helped me through it.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 17-Mar-17 18:19:25

Hi wishes,

Huge hugs to you, it's so hard supporting someone through a MH crisis. Its good that he has taken on board that he's not in a fit state to loom after your DS at the moment. If DS is happy and safe with MIL short term thats great, If you feel its safe for him to come home when you are arround then maybe you can work something out with MIL that will work for now. You are the only one who fully knows your situation and what is best for all 3 of you right now. When DH is poorly the stability of being at home with me is very important to his recovery so I can really understand you may not feel asking DH to leave till he's better is appropriate, and so long as you feel that you and DS are safe when he is at home with you, theres no need for him to leave either. Normality is likely to be what he needs right now. Also I don't see how sending him to MILs and keeping DS with you would help when you are at work either as I'm guessing this is the reason for DS going to MILs.

What support do you and DH have from MH services? Are they aware he is poorly? I know he is worried about his medical records impacting on his driving (my DH would be terrified if he thought he would lose his liscence too) but if he is in a MH crisis I have doubts about how appropriate going down the private councelling route will be. My DH suffers depression and psychosis and doesn't have insight into being ill when he gets poorly. It means sometimes I have to speak to his CPN behind his back, which I hate doing, but from experience with my DH his illness can quickly deteoriate to needing police detention so I have learned the hard way to step in sooner rather than later. Personally if you are worried he's a risk to himself I think you need to step in via his GP or CPN and get help urgently.

You need some support for you too and he doesn't get to tell you who that can be. I personally don't find my family helpful to support me when my DH is ill as they hold the stress I feel against him, and DHs family are not suppottive either. I have a CPN from his team for carer support who I can speak to again I've had to do this against his wishes in the past because I needed that support. I also have councelling available through work, wouldcthat be an option for you? Ultimately if its your Mum you need to talk to, then talk to her, even if its not what he wants, because its what you need.

Do your work know your situation? I'm lucky my boss is very supportive. You may be entitled to carer's leave, I get up to 3 days a year for emergencies, my boss has also let me take annual leave at short notice eg ringing up on the morning I need off. I think it would be more than reasonable for you to see your GP for your own needs too and consider asking for a sick note to take the pressure of work off you whilst you are getting things sorted with DH and your DS.

Most importantly put your own MH needs first, make time for yourself however bad things are. If you go under you can't look after DH or DS, so you need to be your priority however bad things are. Its like on a plane how they tell you to put your own oxygen on first.

Feel free to PM me I know how difficult it can get, and how easy it is for someone else MH problems to swallow you at times.

wishesandkisses Mon 20-Mar-17 11:31:28

Hi all, sorry ive not looked at this for a while. My OH is reducing his tablets and seems to be acting himself a little more now. I sat with him on Thursday night and asked him what he wanted me to do, how to react etc and he''s asked that I act as I always would so he can get back to normality. I have agreed to this as long as he tells me how he feels and accesses help when he needs it (even if he feels he shouldn't). His mood has improved although mine is still up and down. Thank you no longer and not easy it was nice to wake up and see your supportive messages. In fact everyone. I'm not leaving OH with DS alone for more than an hour at a time (although OH isn't aware) just in case. I'm thinking about putting a sick note into work so I can calm myself down and get my own MH back on track as it took a massive nosedive next week. Thank you again.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Mon 20-Mar-17 21:29:29

Hi wishes,

It's concerning that he is reducing his tablets so soon. It's good that he's feeling better but they normally reccommend continuing your medication forat least 6 months after you reach optimum (back to normal) before reducing the dose. Has he discussed this reduction with his GP?

Keeping normality going is definately important. I think taking some time off sick to get your own MH back on track sounds like a really sensible idea.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 20-Mar-17 22:43:08

Would it help your dh to speak to a fellow male fruitcake? We men are lousy at talking. ut it does sometimes help.

wishesandkisses Tue 21-Mar-17 22:07:16

It's not tablets for mental health it's for a pain disorder and they were drugs they were trialing for it as nothing else worked but theyre known for kicking off depression and psychosis z

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Wed 22-Mar-17 08:09:10

Oh bugger!
That is a difficult one. Did the drugs help with the pain? Unless they were producing a very noticeable effect, I think the depression is not worth the pain.

wishesandkisses Wed 22-Mar-17 19:11:05

Not massively no. Just to add to the story i have just cried to my boss and broke down in front of my colleagues who couldn't give two shits what I'm going through. In fact they complained to my boss that I'm acting so low. Think I might need my own thread for this one😂

NolongerAnxiousCarer Wed 22-Mar-17 20:51:03

Ah I see about the tablets.

flowers to you, has your boss been at all supportive? Some people just have no understanding and empathy.

If you need the time off sick go and see your GP and get some support sorted for yourself.

wishesandkisses Wed 22-Mar-17 22:51:13

I'm considering it. I work in social care and I don't want to let the people down I see. I was going to go today but I couldn't because my last case was desperate to see me. Also know my colleagues will bitch about me when I go which I'm scared of. X

NolongerAnxiousCarer Thu 23-Mar-17 09:34:12

Sometimes its hard to see the bigger picture. If you carry on as you are do you think you will stay well or get poorly? If you get poorly you wont be able to look after anyone else including your DP. I'm in a healthcare role, and when we spend all day caring for others and then come home and care for someone its so easy to forget to care for ourselves.

If you broke your leg then your collegues and service users would have to cope with out you. Its no different really. It's rubbish that in an area where you would expect compassion and care from colleges, you have had the response you have. Stress related illness is very common in health and social care in my experience, so you would hope there would be more understanding ammoungst staff.

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