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AIBU to ask if you are a SAHM what time your DH gets home?

(138 Posts)

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SoMuchPain Mon 27-Feb-17 17:54:24

My DH generally leaves the house at 730-8am and is home at 7pm. due to an internal restructure he has to move to a new team. There will be a salary increase that comes with it .

however although it's not totally out of his comfort zone he will have to work longer hours and will also have to visit various sites. Therefore he will have to catch up on other projects in any remaining office time and at home. It does mean he will see the kids less. The weekends are usually ok. We generally get most our laundry done over the weekend but other than that the rest of the house work gets done by me during the week. He's really hands on with the kids when he's around.

I have one school age child and one toddler we keep busy with activities. I sometimes maybe once a month see my friend to visit the cinema. DH family live nearby PILs and SIL. We see very little of them. Maybe a coffee at the weekend. I feel very distant from my DH. When he's home he's tired and sits on the sofa playing games on his phone. We watch the telly sitting on separate sofas. We sleep in separate rooms due to the kids waking in the night. Although we generally have 4 nights of neither waking. If they do wake it's due to illness.

I guess this isn't even about his working hours. I'm feeling increasingly isolated. My family live 150 miles away. I see them once a month. Usually I visit during school holidays. Leaving DH at home. I'm then exhausted because I've taken the kids away and he's essentially getting a holiday and I'm still looking after the kids. AIBU then to feel resentful and isolated? When I return home from my family I hate it- I dread it- mainly because at my family's there are a lot of people to see and it's fun. Here I feel alone. Sorry I'm probably am BU to feel this way.

I'm often angry and frustrated with the children. I feel sad and lonely. I feel I shouldn't dislike my life but I do and I'm sad I'm not enjoying this precious time with my babies.

I would like to go back to my job. But it was long hours and pressurised. I would have to work round my husband which would mean both kids in childcare 5 days a week 730- 630 to accommodate me working. There was no real part-time in my career. I would still have to do everything I do now and work. It doesn't seem possible.

I do not know a solution at the moment.

seabreezewavingtrees Mon 27-Feb-17 18:40:14

Op its hard flowers Your situation sounds similar to mine.
We moved for help with childcare and now cant go back 'home' as dh's career is established here and itd be a 125 mile trip one way to work for him. So I feel stuck up here.
Dh leaves at 6.45am. Home at 11pm week days except Friday when he can be back between 5.30 and 7 depending on the motorway.
He also works Saturdays too, leaves at about 11 am home by about 7pm on a Saturday. He did work Sundays too for the first 10 years but when ds2 was born mil persuaded him to go down to a 6 day week as I was reaching breaking point. He was taking it too far!
He didn't even a take a day off when I had the children. Ds2 was premature as I was so unwell. He turned up with some flowers and left. I had to discharge myself after c section because I still had ds1 to care for. I was lifting and carrying within 48 hours, doing washing, changing cat litter and we live on the second floor with no lift. Dh used to pop by the NICU ward at around midnight after work then come home and give me my injection and meds (i was really unwell) Nothing will make him take time off. Work comes first.
It is lonely. I have 1 in school and 1 at home. We had to move to be nearer in laws for help with childcare about 5 years ago but in laws have now moved away themselves, meaning that we're now here for no reason. I'm 90 miles from my parents, dsis, friends etc. It wasn't too bad when I was working but since having ds2 it's lonely.
I've not managed to make any mum friends because I'm a bit anxious and awkward socially. I think they think im a bit standoff ish in the playground. I go to the odd baby group at the children's centre but I don't know how to make fends really.
I am friends with some of dh's cousins who live locally but in terms of gym classes, mlm scheme pamper nights etc that I get invited to in the evenings, I can never go because dh isn't home to have dcs.
I had lots of work friends before ds2 and would always make a point having a drink after work on Fridays (used to commute). Because of the hours and the distance I've not gone back to that job but I am going to find something local and hope to be able to make friends locally when I'm in work.
I was very ill in pregnancy so I've kind of been isolated since I left work at about 6 months gone and ds is now 15 months, so coming up to nearly 2 years. I used the time to pass my driving test so that I can get out and about and can go see family on the weekends and half term etc. I spend loads of time on WhatsApp speaking to friends when ds2 is asleep, and I watch Netflix or cook up a storm if the weather's bad. I take ds out and about. Really its WhatsApp that saves me. My best friend is a very bad employee and hence will happily spend all day on WhatsApp giving me a blow by blow of every aspect of her life, office gossip about people I don't know.... she keeps me going. She also wishes that she could swap places with me rather than being at work all day doing a job she hates. And I can't argue with that
I always remind myself that just because my friends and family aren't geographically close it doesn't mean that I don't have lots of friends and family. I also try to remind myself that it's temporary. I'm not going to be at home forever, and I know that despite the loneliness I will look back on this time, with dc being so young, fondly.

SoMuchPain Mon 27-Feb-17 18:59:51

Sea breeze thanks for your reply. I feel like I'm at the end of my tether and really resent my husband. I don't feel this time is precious in fact I'm starting to resent my own children and sometimes wonder why I bothered. They are so needy. We struggle financially some months. I have limited financial control getting an allowance every month for the children. If DH has any money left over he gives me it. That frustrates me as I would just rather know what we can and can't spend. He is looking to resolve this by setting up a joint account. When my MiL and SIL see me they're not very nice really. I have little in common with them.

My toddler is such a wilful and defiant child. I am afraid she is turning into a screen addict because she watches television when I can't be bothered doing anything with her. Today she had a class and I didn't go because I couldn't be bothered and I've not left the house all day except for the school run.

They have tonnes of toys but always want the television and I can't be bothered playing with them. I think I'm depressed. I am so so fed up. I feel stupid. I too had difficult pregnancies and children in special care. It was a nightmare co-ordinating childcare for my time in hospital. I too was ill and ended back in theatre after my sections. I just feel very alone and I don't care about anyone anymore

SoMuchPain Mon 27-Feb-17 19:04:47

Sometimes I've even wondered if the only way out and for everyone to see how unhappy I am is simply if I am not here anymore. If I could run away. If I could be on my own. Then sometimes I think being on this earth isn't worth it. I feel stupid as to the outside world people would think I have everything but I feel nothing. I'm not pre-menstrual. Therefore I know it's not my hormones. I feel no connection with people anymore. Any effort I make seems pointless my heart is no longer in it. My heart is no longer in life

OopsDearyMe Mon 27-Feb-17 19:04:53

Nice assumption that all SAHM are in a relationship!

SoMuchPain Mon 27-Feb-17 19:06:12

Oops apologies

Coastalcommand Mon 27-Feb-17 19:12:03

Does your partner work at the weekends? Could you spend a weekend with friends or family without your children?

eyespydreams Mon 27-Feb-17 19:14:39

Darling, you 100% have depression. You have been through a really difficult time and you are not able to get much support now so you are feeling overwhelmed. Please don't feel guilty about your little girl watching too much tv - it is a tool you are using. Your children will always always be better off with you around, you sound like a good mum. It is normal to have some resentment at the world at how having kids can shaft your previous life. It can be phenomenally hard when your partner is away all the week. Get yourself to a doctor, tell them explicitly that you are feeling so down, get some antidepressants. Once they kick in you will be in a much better place to make some decisions about how to change your life to make it more bearable and even enjoyable again.

Neolara Mon 27-Feb-17 19:16:28

I think a visit to your GP should be pretty high up your list of priorities. Your last two posts suggest that you may have depression.

I would suggest that you also sit down with your dh and try to find a solution the grinding relentlessness of it all. I appreciate that you don't have much cash, but it sounds like building in a little time for yourself has become a priority. Even hiring a teenager to babysit for 2 hours a week for you to go sit in a cafe in peace / go to the cinema / do some exercise would probably make a huge difference.

eyespydreams Mon 27-Feb-17 19:19:23

The feeling guilty because on the outside it seems you have everything, but inside you're miserable, the wanting to disappear, the wondering if people would be better off without you - all exactly things I felt when depressed. They all disappeared when I had treatment. Everyone was very kind to me and I got better quite quickly and had therapy etc (but it was the antidepressants that helped first, I will remember the day that I woke up and DIDN'T want to disappear for the rest of my life, it ws so nice! I just was like, ooh, what a nice day, the birds are singing, think I'll go and get a coffee WOOOOOOO! It was really the little things.)

topcat2014 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:19:24

80% of the population work within a half hour commute

In my (unfortunate) experience, anyone who has the misfortune to die is immediately recruited for and replaced.

In my also unfortunate experience, when companies or branches are closed, the good people are laid off along with the less so.

You never get the time back that you spent commuting, and your kids grow up with an absent father.

Bear in mind that kids don't really care about the house they live in - beyond having their own rooms or something similar.

I get the frustration - but I suppose what I am saying is to ask what it is all for - no-one is giving out medals.

OP - is there a way you can really discuss with DH what he wants. Is he just doing all this work because he feels he has to - are there, perhaps, dominating parents around etc. Is it always the done thing on his side?

I wish you luck.

seabreezewavingtrees Mon 27-Feb-17 19:22:06

op is your dh aware of how bad things are for you? Your family do need you, and don't near yourself up about things like screen time if you're feeling down. What does your GP say?

seabreezewavingtrees Mon 27-Feb-17 19:22:46

Near = beat

Bananamanfan Mon 27-Feb-17 19:25:17

I felt like you too, opflowers i think i had PND, but it didn't register until it was so bad that i was having thoughts like you are; thinking the only way out was if i wasn't here. I thought i would spend the rest of my life in an institution, i was scared i would become a child abuser, so many fears that i couldn't speak about.
Go to the gp, you need anti depressants. You can address the causes later, but at the moment you need a quick fix to get to that point.

early30smum Mon 27-Feb-17 19:25:50

OP that does sound hard. flowers

I have 2 D.C. age 7 and 4, and work 30 hrs a week over 5 days. DH often leaves by 7 am but under duress will take the D.C. to morning childcare for 7.30/8 am. But then I finish work, collect kids, cook tea, tidy up etc, do all the bedtime and bath time routine. DH is rarely home before 10 pm and I do find it hard. You have my sympathy!

kel1234 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:26:10

It depends what shift my dh is on. If it's the morning shift he works from 7 or 8 until between 3-4. If it's the evening shift he works from 3 until 10 weekdays or 10.30 Friday and Saturday. If he's on a split shift he works from 7 or 8 until 3, then from 5 until 10 or 10.30, depending on what day it is

kel1234 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:27:03

I don't even speak to my family, and they live 250 miles away. It's often just me and lo at home.

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 27-Feb-17 19:27:47

Your marriage sounds pretty miserable, it's no wonder you are depressed. If you didn't have to spend so much time alone with your children you wouldn't find it so hard, I promise!

You simply need to start by being honest with your husband about all this. And take it from there.

early30smum Mon 27-Feb-17 19:29:23

Also didn't read the end part of your post-flowers you do sound very down (understandably!) you must talk to your DH honestly about all this.

alaia5 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:34:06

OP - I'm no doctor, but it sounds very much as if you have PND. Please get help tomorrow. It's not just something you can snap out of, it's a chemical change in your brain.

Many many women experience what you are now. The medication takes about a month to kick in properly, but it works.

It sounds like you live in a quite isolated area? Try and get out every day if you can, but I know it's hard when you feel despairing.

You can come through this but you need medical help. flowers

AppleMagic Mon 27-Feb-17 19:34:57

I'm not surprised you resent your dh. I'd question if it's worth him sacrificing so much family life, and your happiness, for a job that leaves you struggling financially some months.

kealey1977 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:39:50

I agree with eyespy, you do sound very depressed and I would recommend that you make a gp appointment asap. I am in a similar situation and had 3 children within 3 yrs and live 160 miles away from my family and friends. I was diagnosed with post natal depression and went on anti depressants for 12 months and had counselling. I feel much better now but the isolation still gets to me so I always take the kids back home to see family as often as i can. You really should speak to your husband and let him know how you are feeling and if he has any empathy he will have to change his working hour to support you while you deal with the way you are feeling. I wish you all the best and hope you are feeling more positive about life soon.

SoMuchPain Mon 27-Feb-17 19:51:21

Thanks everyone. It is difficult to identify in yourself you are depressed. I am in a fairly isolating area. But there is still opportunity for me to get out. As I used to a lot. What is concerning me is that I don't actually want to do anything. I've started job hunting thinking that is my way out but I wonder how will I cope. I'm not myself. I've gone very quiet. Withdrawn is the best way to describe it. I told my DH via WhatsApp today that I'm feeling down. I hope we can speak this evening. People talk of depression a lot in my family it is common. However people say it's best not to go on antidepressants. That it turns you into a zombie. It is best to resolve matters by counselling. GP appointments are difficult to obtain especially with a good GP. I will call my GP. I'll see if I can book something in as soon as possible.

I will also speak to my DH about any counselling available via his work health scheme. If I worked then we wouldn't struggle so much. However I don't feel I have a good hold on finances because not having a joint account. My husband isn't frivolous. We have a biggish mortgage and a large house so bills are high each month. The kids have activities and don't go without:

No he doesn't work at weekends but he always has chores to do - keeping on top of the house is a struggle for me. I try to factor in cleaning everyday. E.g toilets and floors one day. Skirting and dusting the next. Alongside the relentless picking up of toys and cleaning mess!!! Cooking and shopping etc. Kids presents, birthday parties ... I do the inane messaging of people but none of it impacts me. I feel like a dysfunctional robot. Sometime I do that. I pretend I'm a robot to just get through the day. It's easier than going into my mind.

Bananamanfan Mon 27-Feb-17 19:52:35

Can your parents come to stay with you for a bit to help you get some help?

SoMuchPain Mon 27-Feb-17 19:55:17

My father is dead. My mother is self employed and struggles to leave her business. What's making things worse for me that she is going away for 2-3 weeks abroad. I will struggle due to time differences to keep in touch with her. I have anxiety over her health as she has cancer 2 years ago and is going to a third world country. She has travel insurance. I speak with her every day. Although sometimes she is unable to talk and I feel unable to tell her how I feel I don't want to worry her. I asked my DH last week to take some time off work because I need help. But he is so so so busy.


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