Hi everyone. I'm a man. Sorry about that. I hope you don't mind me posting here.
I've just returned from a 4 week absence from work. I'm a teacher (a deputy head, actually). Been back a week.
Half my issue is I seem to other people to be coping most of the time, but what's under the surface is this boiling terror. I nearly wigged out completely at work this morning and a kind colleague very kindly managed to talk me down again. But nobody else really sees that, and I feel like it makes me seem like a fake.
Background: I had a really serious anxiety attack in my previous job back in July. I took a week off work but went back before I was really ready, and feel like I've never properly healed. I have a history of depression; the anxiety is new (or at least newly acknowledged: I think it's always been there).
Anyway. My brain tells me I'm not good enough, that I'll be found out, that everyone thinks I'm shit, that I'm letting everyone down. (It doesn't help that my marriage is seriously on the ropes.)
When I feel like this I often think everyone would be better off without me around. I wouldn't class this as suicidal, as I don't seriously consider doing anything about it: much too scared to actually hurt myself. But if I were to, like, evaporate painlessly I feel like most of the people in my life would be better off. The only thing that gives me pause is my wonderful daughters, and that stops me from taking that thought anywhere past the initial impulse reaction to my uselessness. I'm a good daddy. I actually do know that. It's the only thing I know.
I'm medicated (20mg Citalopram) and having weekly therapy. I do feel better than 4 weeks ago: the flat featureless depression I had (which wasn't the depth of black despair I've experienced in the past) has mostly lifted. But I am very anxious about work, because I loathe it. With a passion.
And half of what's scaring me is that I seem to be stuck with one or the other: marriage or work. If my marriage fails, I have to stay in my job to be able to financially support my babies. If I end up having to quit my job, I won't be able to support myself, much less them.
It feels like Catch 22. Does it get better? I can't feel like this any more. It's killing me.
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Mental health
Does it get better eventually?
6 replies
TerrorTwilight · 27/02/2017 12:11
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