Not sure I can deal with life anymore

[Itsnotwhatitseems]

I don’t normally post on this board. I have NC as my DD knows my username and is already worried about my mental state. I am feeling very low. A bit of background.
Up until 2011 I was in a relationship for 28 years, a not particularly happy one, but I had the security of knowing I was going to be OK and my future was mapped out and my children were going to be financially OK as well.
At the end of 2011 my bf changed, he assaulted our 18-year-old daughter and left to set up home with another woman. During that time, I was unable to run the house on my income, I took out a loan to help my son at Uni because they took my Ex Bfs income in to consideration when he got his student finance but he refused to help him so I borrowed money to pay for his accommodation and help him out. I ran up debts of nearly £50,000. My ex and his new gf wrote me horrible letters trying to force the sale of the family home. In the end following mediation the house was sold and I managed to purchase a small flat but as it was only 2 bedrooms my middle son rented a room in another house, my son and daughter live with me (I sleep on the sofa)
My mother has terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s and I struggle to deal with looking after her. I met a new man 4 years ago, and fell head over heels for him, the first year was wonderful but then he was made redundant and moved to a new city for work. He changed in that time, alternating between being lovely and being abusive (in regards to my weight mainly) He used to talk about how lovely his ex-wife was and I felt I wasn’t good enough for him.
In 2016 just before Christmas I lost my job of 8 years, and have been temping since and struggling on a very small income. Every time I try and sort out a problem in my life, along comes another one.
I have become dependent on Tramadol to achieve a feeling of being ‘normal’ I was prescribed this when I broke my leg and at that time realised it helped make life more bearable and gave me energy. I know I am addicted and need to resolve this.
My life is now, work, sleep, work, sleep and nothing else. My grown-up children are the only good thing in my life and if it wasn’t for them I would just give up. I can’t burden them with this but I feel myself slipping back into a dark place. Partly because I have stopped my supply of Tramadol but also because I can’t see a future, I am 52 next month, no retirement pot, debts, and yet I have worked hard all my life and everything just seems so bleak.
I just needed to offload, no need to comment but I feel better for writing this all down.

[jellyrolly]

There is support out there for you, it sounds as if you have coped for a long time without putting your own needs first. I would visit your GP and tell them about the Tramadol, it's not necessarily the best idea to stop taking something strong cold turkey. I found visiting the Samaritans - in person - was helpful when I was overwhelmed. You can find their nearest office and pop in. Citizen's Advice may be able to help you put together a financial plan. I don't know your children but I bet they would want you to let them help if they knew how hard you were finding things. You are their mum and they love you. 52 is no age, you have lots of time to find joy in life as well as carve out the security you need and deserve, please don't feel defeated.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Definately get a GP appointment ASAP. They can help you come off the tramadol safely and also look at if there is something more appropriate to help you. There are various organisations that can help you get back on track financially. Citizens advice, the governments money advice service and step change are ones I know of.

[Welshmamma]

Share how you feel with your kids. They are adults now and you have done your bit for them maybe they will help you out financially as you got in to debt to help them progress in their lives xx
CAB are helpful and will support you and old visit Gp! Your only 52 the world is your oyster xxxx