im just not 'there' any more?

[happyfrown]

ive always had mental health issues, I go between hyped up phases, where I make things (projects) buy animals or go extreme on keep fit. then depressed to the point of self harm and not moving all day unless cooking for kids etc.

ive made many nice furniture items and my understairs cupboard is full of wood, diy stuff and things ive kept for future projects. my eldest DS is needing a computer table and usually I would build something, the thought didn't excite me like it used to. cupboard has got messy due to not being myself so had to take everything out to check what wood I have to use. I came across things id saved for future projects and most of the wood had bowed and twisted from standing up.

I felt overwhelmed with all this mess and stuff I don't have the mental energy for. where as before it was like gold dust, like my treasure! I looked at it all and didn't know how to feel? I actually got quite emotional and wanted to run out the door and leave all I have behind.

last summer I had a melt down (of many) and hadn't touched a tool until last week, yet what I made was done on numb brain cells, i cant get back into anything? even tho I don't have much interest in things and used to hate my extreme phases of 12hr d.i.y ing I feel ive lost the last thing that makes me? I don't think im making much sense, but I feel like im not here anymore like there is nothing to me.

don't really know why im writing I guess im self pitying, I used to dance, smile. I used to care .... even with this illness. now there is nothing.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Have you got any MH support in place? It sounds like a trip to your GP might be in order. I'm not an expert and no one can diagnose you online but those periods of productiveness and low spells could be indicative of something like bipolar. It would be worth getting it checked out as there maybe some help available.

[happyfrown]

yes I have been seen. was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

im starting a 16wk DIT course next week.

I know I wont gain anything from writing on here, I know no one has a magic wand or say something that will 'snap me out of it'. but I feel less alone writing it down on the forum and I guess part of me hopes someone can say something that will help how I feel.

[highinthesky]

(((hugs for you OP))).

Why not have a declutter / tidy-up of your stash, you may feel more enthused. If you do then decide to make a computer table, involve DS in the project. It's a distraction that might help.

[happyfrown]

I had to declutter to see what I had available. I felt overwhelmed by the amount of stash and mess. It absolutely drained me today clearing it out, I have thrown majority if the cupboard.

the wood is twisted and not usable, I could buy some more but im not motivated and im scared I will accumulate more.

last week I made my ds2 a oversized picture frame for behind his bed and a bespoke bedcover design but I wasn't 'there'. god knows how I done it, I was on auto pilot I think, up til 12.30am cried most nights when I got into bed. was mentally drained whereas before I was driven and nothing else was important. I was motivated by a bedroom design thread a few weeks ago, poor ds2 bedroom is half finished - was decorating it when I had my meltdown in the summer and was left unfinished.

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

Second to High in the sky..
Declutter. throw stuff away, have a life laundry..

The less you have the better you can manage your mind. It is really catartic once you get going. Be honest... do I really need this? or is it something I will get round to... (the dafter tomorrow).

[happyfrown]

im normally organised, that cupboard is normally my comfort blanket of goodies. my home is generally clutter free, im like a compulsive sorter. everything in its place but as I say ive not be ok and kids have been in and moved things, dropped things - like a box of srews, washers, nails etc.

hope I feel bit better in a few days.