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DH's depression and stress is making ME depressed and stressed./

(6 Posts)
xoasemarald Tue 21-Feb-17 15:46:52

I really don't know what to do :/
My DH was diagnosed azoopsermic in October, the news came as a huge blow to him. he is currently on anti-depressants, is supposed to be doing an online CBT course and having counselling sessions. He has had 2 or 3 phone appointments with a counsellor, and has access to services 24hrs a day, where he can ring in and get support.

He's been having suicidal thoughts. He's been signed off work with stress and is currently moping about doing not much, despite seemingly being positive about some jobs he has to do around the house to keep him busy.

Basically, I fell like I'm getting no support for this - on a few levels
1) acknowledging/accepting that we might not have children, if he doesn't come round to the idea of sperm donor/adoption, which won't happen for along time if his mental health is low. (I'm just turned 34, tick tock...) it's HARD
2) No support about how to cope with a depressed spouse that at times is suicidal
3) no support for 'me' and how this is affecting me.

I feel like crying all the time.

TENSHI Tue 21-Feb-17 15:56:59

I feel for you op, your situation is really sad but the reality is this would not be a good environment to bring up a dc into.

You are understandably upset for him and are very supportive but I think you now need to reassess your OWN needs.

You cannot go under with him dragging you down with him, no matter how tragic the situation.

You are understandaby conscious of your biological clock ticking.

If you had a child what sort of environment would you feel is best for their needs?

A happy mummy is a prerequisite.

I am saying you would need to bail out of your current relationship if you wanted to put your needs and that of any future child you had first.

I am sorry if that is not want you want to hear.

xoasemarald Tue 21-Feb-17 16:08:02

it isn't just about kids though.

it's about the fact the man i love is suffering so deeply and it is affecting me

Pinotwoman82 Tue 21-Feb-17 16:12:40

I'm so sorry to hear this, I can imagine how difficult it is for you.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but could you go and speak to your GP? flowersx

Out2pasture Tue 21-Feb-17 16:27:40

My son was diagnosed with azoospermia several years ago. flowers
It caused me great grief.
Has he explained what he finds depressing about the diagnosis?

NolongerAnxiousCarer Tue 21-Feb-17 21:24:43


It can be really hard supporting someone with their MH problems. I support DH with serious MH issues and know how hard it is to see someone you love so poorly. I'm also a similar age and feel the pressure of that ticking clock.

I'm taking it that your DPs depression stems from his diagnosis and he is participating in treatment, so I think TENSHIs comments are unecessarily harsh. Parents with mental illness can be good parents, just the same as parents with any other illness. ( Both DHs MH team and the children of DHs relative with the same condition assure me of this ) Besides depression is treatable and there is every chance that with time your partner will recover well. Right now your DP is probably grieving for is diagnosis and I suspect you are too.

Do you have any support for you? Can you access councelling through work or your GP?

The most important thing we can do for ourselves and the people we support is to look after ourselves. If we go under we can't support anyone else. Its really important to make time for you, and to do the things that you enjoy. For me it's going to the gym, but anything that you enjoy.

As for supporting him when he is suicidal I have plenty of experience here too unfortunately, and also experience of feeling suicidal many years ago myself. If there is an imediate danger then if possible pursuade him to either phone the crisis team (I'm assuming thats the 24/7 number he has) or to go to A&E with you. If you don't think that you can keep him safe call 999. Another way I have accessed urgent (not immediate) help has been via 111 who sent out an out of hours GP. Samaritans are also available for both of you 116 123 or email

As for day to day one of the best things you can do is to do and talk about normal stuff. If he can set himself little goals to get him through the day then fab, even if its just having a shower, getting dressed etc. Exercise can really help, as it releases your bodies natural antidepressants. Getting motivation to do it when you are depressed is really tough though. But things like going for a walk can help you to feel better.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

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