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I'm really worried that I'm not a good normal mum

(13 Posts)
Honey1975 Sun 19-Feb-17 09:09:33

I've made some new friends since
my son started school and recently we went out for a meal to get to know each other better. They are all lovely but some of the things they were saying have made me question myself and how good a mum I am.

None of the ladies work outside the home. I work every day and finish in time to do school pick up.
The way they were talking about their lives and the things they do for and with their children has made me realise I'm not being a very good mum and I think alot of that is because I don't have anytime to do anything properly.
One of the ladies talked about her life as if she was a project manager for the family. She sounded so in control and her family life sounds so happy.

My family life has been far from happy recently. We are having problems with our older child's behaviour and it is causing a lot
of arguments between all of us. My younger child is highly demanding and wants my attention all the time.
I find it hard to cook healthy meals as they are both so fussy they make a fuss about everything. This lady was talking about all these healthy meals she cooks from scratch and I felt so crap that I'm not doing the best for my children.

Comparing myself to these mums made me realise how very unhappy I have been feeling and how I suspect this is rubbing off ony children. I have very little patience, get stressed easily and don't seem to be able to get anything done. All my time at home is spent decluttering and tidying and so I am not giving my dc's proper attention.
This weekend has been awful, lots of arguing and I hate to say it but shouting from and dh.

I wish I could be happy like these other mums but I just can't seem to. be. I take ad's and have for a long time but I still feel quite unhappy and just like I am not doing the best for my family. I'm wondering if it's possible I will ever feel normal and able to enjoy life properly.

Sorry this is so long but I feel so alone and wondered if anyone can relate?

Goondoit Sun 19-Feb-17 09:15:53

Comparison is the thief of joy!!!
You are a good mum!! Ever noticed how those who keep going on about how amazing they are and all the amazing things they do are the most insecure people who need reassurance themselves!!
Don't compare your life or choices to them.

I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time and your family atmosphere has been challenging recently. Maybe a chat with your Gp might help. Sometimes your low mood can have an impact on how the family feel as a whole and sometimes the way your family are behaving affect your mood so one may be symptomatic of the other.
How about doing something together like a big long country walk followed by a family movie. Get one kid to select 3 movies and the other to pick one of that selection so there is no fighting (hopefully) the walk will have cleared the cobwebs and you can spend some time resting.

All your time doesn't need to be housework related does your dh help out with that? I hope your ok op

Goondoit Sun 19-Feb-17 09:19:44

Also with regards to the food thing. I find my slow cooker has been a god send. Healthy meals cooked from scratch. Get one and join a few Facebook groups or get a cook book and ask the kids to help pick out 2-3 recipes that they will eat and name them "Jamies stew" "harrys meaballs" (made up names) so your kids feel they have some ownership over these meals and they will be more likely to eat them!

It's tough sometimes and I really feel for you going for a nice meal and walking away feeling disappointed. Like I said before though does dh pull his weight

Joto369 Sun 19-Feb-17 09:24:13

How do you know these mums are happy? I mean REALLY happy. You would be surprised how many people pretend their lives are perfect when the reality is very different. I brought two boys up alone and my cooking skills are negligible. My house was never immaculate but my boys were loved, fed and watered. I suffered from PND after both and worried I wasn't good enough but soon realised that puts more pressure on. Instead I did more fun stuff, free stuff, stuff that memories are made off. I may not have had money or posh clothes or a full face of make up but we had fun. And now I have two grown up son's who are both happy and thats what matters. Comparing yourself to others is a waste of your time and energy. You may find as you relax your children will too? It's not a magic wand but be kind to yourself xxx

AllTheLight Sun 19-Feb-17 09:28:31

There are disadvantages to being / having a SAH parent too. The parent can sometimes end up focusing too much on their DC and the DC may feel a bit suffocated as they grow older.

ChipInTheSugar Sun 19-Feb-17 09:36:00

I have found myself yearning to be a SAHM recently - it seems the norm in our playground. One of the mums was saying each bed in her house has its own day for being stripped and washed; and she has a particular day for buying freezer bags ..... kill me now - but she is also suffering from being "just" mum, with no identity beyond that.

I'd still be serving freezer food and 4 minute pasta if I was a SAHM mum too grin

AllTheLight Sun 19-Feb-17 09:37:46

I'd still be serving freezer food and 4 minute pasta if I was a SAHM - me too grin

Joto369 Sun 19-Feb-17 09:40:31

I worked when both of mine went 2 years old and went to nursery. I would have literally gone bonkers staying at home grin

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 19-Feb-17 09:44:15

From what I observe... A normal mum is:-
Stressed
Depressed (at times)
Run of her feet all the time
Anxious for her children
Bored with being stuck at home
Wants more time to spend with her children
Wants a career
Hates having to work
Doesn't sleep
Has put on wright that won't shift
Gone off sex
Really loves her children
Or is indifferent to them!
Is really proud of her childrn
Despairs they have turned out not as wanted

I don't think there is a "normal". As Goondoit says, don't compare yourself. Be yourself because in the end it is only you that matters.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 19-Feb-17 09:54:55

Honey,
Scroll down and read Lakermans thread...
Then ask yourself is you really are a bad mum...From what you write, I think not

SandyGEE12 Sun 19-Feb-17 10:04:16

I think people, in real life and on social media, edit to only display/talk about the good stuff and things they are proud of. I don't think this is to make other people feel bad, but to make themselves feel better about the tough job keeping a family on track is!

Honey1975 Mon 20-Feb-17 20:36:23

Thanks you for the replies. I just wanted to come back and say that this afternoon I had the nicest afternoon I'I've had in a very long time with both dc's. I spent a little bit of time with each of them looking at their school work and then we played a game together. For once there was minimal fighting and arguing and everyone was happy, especially when I gave them ice cream with marshmallows for pudding! I didn't get much done in terms of house jobs but we were all happy and there was a nice atmosphere. It hasn't been like that in a long time.

Goondoit, I have thought about going back to my GP but as I'm already on ad's I don't think she can do much except increase the dose which I don't really want to do. DH does do a lot but there is quite a lot that I do for the children that he doesn't really get involved in, school admin, house admin etc.

I just find it really hard working and trying to keep up with all the other day to day thing as well as find time to actually just be with my children. It often feels like I'm so busy with other things that I'm missing out on having any with them and I think they notice this and it is reflected in their behaviour which then makes me irritable and stressed.

I do find there is a pressure, where I live in any case, to be on top of everything and a totally organised mummy. I would find it very hard to tell anyone in real life how much I struggle with it all, apart from DH who thankfully likes me as I am ☺️

NataliaOsipova Mon 20-Feb-17 20:45:06

Please don't worry, OP. I'm a SAHM and my DCs had fish fingers for supper and the house looks like a bomb has gone off in it....

Seriously - don't worry. Do the best you can - in your own way - for your family and don't give anyone else a second thought. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. I'm brilliant at arranging trips out...but bloody hopeless at doing baking and crafts, for example. Focus on what you are good at.

Plus - you say these are new friends you made through your child's school? Give it time. Everyone bigs themselves up at first, partly through fear as, really, you don't all necessarily have anything in common at all - you've just met because you have kids in the same class. So it's bound to be a bit strained at first and so you do see the slightly "forced" side of people. If you carry on being friends with them, you'll be having very different conversations this time next year, I'm sure.

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