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PND and anxiety getting worse

(170 Posts)
Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:54:45

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Wed 15-Feb-17 22:13:28

Am I understanding right?
You are not going out because you are worried about your 14mo getting rotovirus?

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:17:48

Yes essentially.
I mean I don't want her to catch anything...but mainly rotavirus is my main concern.

Jamhandprints Wed 15-Feb-17 22:21:52

I had post natal anxiety too. It's horrible. I phoned IAPT and they were really helpful. It didnt seem helpful when I spoke to them but I felt less anxious after.

Why are you worried about your baby? I have many friends who dont get their children vaccinated. There are natural remedies to top up their immune systems. Many vaccinations they have now didnt exist when we were kids. She'll be fine. X

Jamhandprints Wed 15-Feb-17 22:22:49

What is rotavirus anyway?

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:26:08

Who are IAPT?

It's a d and v bug which can be nasty. Especially in children. Pre vaccine it was super common and they basically all had it by the time they were 5. They've been vaccinating for three and a half years or so.
You have to have the first dose by 14 weeks and 6 days and dd was 15 weeks and 6 days when I took her... there's no way of catching up with it or paying privately for it because for safety reasons it has to be given by that age.

Jamhandprints Wed 15-Feb-17 22:26:26

Oh I just googled it. It's just diarohea and it says all children get it anyway. What are you worried about? Surely your older child has had diarohea before? It's just messy. No big deal. What can you do to make your life more enjoyable? X x x

Jamhandprints Wed 15-Feb-17 22:28:13

It's an nhs service. You can self-refer, so you just phone up and they do counselling over the phone. X

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:31:02

I've never heard of it. I will google it.

Yes pre vaccine all kids had it. My older dc has actually NEVER had a stomach upset. He's had the odd vomiting bug but it's been shortlived and touch wood never upset his stomach

If you look though you can find RV horror stories. They vaccinate for some reason, right?

Thurlow Wed 15-Feb-17 22:32:53

Oh love, I remember you.

The biggest problem you have is your DH "not allowing you" to take antidepressants.

I have been taking them for PND and they have changed my life.

CBT is incredibly useful. But right now you need something that will allow you to start to pull yourself out of this. And for most people thats antidepressants.

It's been said to you before. He's being essentially cruel by telling you you are not "allowed" to take a very common aid to help with PND.

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:38:47

I'm just so stuck in this awful awful place and I've started to feel it's not temporary like I assumed it would be, but permanent.

Jamhandprints Wed 15-Feb-17 22:43:40

A vomitting bug is a stomach upset, that's all it is. See, you dealt with it and your dc is fine now. Can you try going out tomorrow, just as a first step, to the park? You won't feel better all at once...but you will feel better. End the day by telling yourself 3 things you did well. X x

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:47:25

I just feel - and I know this is not rational - that dd is at a disadvantage compared to other healthy vaccinated children. It's rare to get complications from RV and even rarer to die. But what if she did?

Jamhandprints Wed 15-Feb-17 22:47:32

I think with rotavirus they just vaccinate because its very disruptive to education and nurseries. Once one gets it in a class they all do. And they have to be off for 48 hours so it's a pain. There's loads to worry about in life but getting a tummy bug isn't one of them. X

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Wed 15-Feb-17 22:49:55

I know being logical and rational is almost impossible during the grips of depression but you must try to remember that a d&v bug is very unlikely to lead to death, especially now your daughter is over a year old.

Also, if most babies are vaccinated it means far less chance of your child coming into contact with it in the first place.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It controls your life and stops you living it to the full.

I'm pretty sure there are anti-depressants that can be taken when breast-feeding.

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:50:14

Thanks xx
It's just there are stories online of people whose kids have had it for weeks. Kids who've had kidney failure. Fitted. Had agonising stomach cramps. Lost loads and loads of weight...I just feel like I should have prevented that for dd. It feels like this big horrible blot on our horizon. I can't plan anything ahead because I don't know when it will strike.

AnthonyPandy Wed 15-Feb-17 23:04:18

If you're treated with antidepressants when breastfeeding, then paroxetine or sertraline is normally recommended.

If you feel you need to take antidepressants while pregnant or breastfeeding, you should discuss this with your doctor. They can advise you about which drugs carry fewer risks than others. For example:
Tricyclic antidepressants are likely to be less risky than SSRIs in the early months of pregnancy.
If you wish to breastfeed, you should avoid taking doxepin (Sinepin).

OP please look at these links, it seems there are certain anti depressants you can take, please go to your GP and get some help, this is what will help your daughter the most, to have a mentally well mother is what she needs. And it's what you need too. brew

AnthonyPandy Wed 15-Feb-17 23:05:31

Only the bottom bit is mine, the two bits by the links are quotes from those websites.

outputgap Wed 15-Feb-17 23:14:06

I remember your early posts sweetheart.

I had quite unpleasant post natal anxiety. My baby is now 9 months old and I am much better. That is because I had a full course of CBT by an NHS psychologist. It was hard and I'm still a worrier, but I have the tools from the treatment to call on.

You need proper treatment. Keep pushing for it. You deserve it. I deserved it.

Take the medication. Listen to the wise people on this thread.

There is treatment out there that works for anxiety. Please please try to grab that help.

ifcatscouldtalk Wed 15-Feb-17 23:22:52

Is this a new vaccine? Skating honestly, Google anything medical and you will scare yourself silly (I've been there too). Your daughter will be fine. Pnd blows everything out of proportion. You will get better, you haven't ruined your life or your daughter's You are ill but it won't always be like this. Take the cbt again. I am probably completely wrong in saying this but I'd take the medication if I needed it whatever my husband said. You are the one living this pnd roller coaster every day. Getting better by whatever means comes first.

Skatingonthinice16 Thu 16-Feb-17 03:36:49

It has been around for coming up to 4 years in the U.K.
Longer in the states and Australia.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Thu 16-Feb-17 05:18:54

In which case, it is likely your dd is safe.
That is because the local population who could catch it have been vaccinated so they can't catch it. As the local children can't catch it they can't pass it on.

In fact epidemeology research tells you that your safest option is to be the only non vaccinated person in a fully vaccinated population.

LapinR0se Thu 16-Feb-17 05:40:02

My DD was vaccinated according to schedule and she got rotavirus anyway.
If you are not letting your baby out & about then she will not have a chance to build up her immune system in any case.
But none of that matters because you have anxiety and anxiety is irrational.
You have got to do these things:
1. Take your antidepressants. Hide them from your husband if you want. Just take them every day every single day and do not hesitate.
2. Buy the book CBT for dummies. I did CBT with one of the top therapists in the UK and she recommends this book to all her clients. Use this book to help you a bit until you
3. Find a brilliant CBT practitioner. If you are in London I can recommend one.
This has gone on too long. Something has to change. Please do 1&2 today

Skatingonthinice16 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:29:05

Yes then vaccine is only 70% effective but it is highly effective (96%) against severe RV. So if you've been vaccinated and pick it up you won't get it as badly as someone who hasn't been vaccinated.
The whole thing makes me feel very panicky, in a 'What have I done?' way. And I can't put it right. I can't do anything about it now. Dd is so trusting and I've failed her.
I just go round and round in circles and there is no way out.

I'm not in London, I'm in the midlands. I will buy the book though, thank you.

Skatingonthinice16 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:31:41

Also it's a live vaccine. It sheds. I know of several families where they caught RV from their recently vaccinated child so I can't help thinking it's probably around as much as ever.

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