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So hurt by ex work colleagues

(5 Posts)
CoffeeBreakIn5 Sat 11-Feb-17 19:11:11

A year ago I made the decision to leave my job, I'd been treated like I just didn't matter at work anymore and it was really affecting my mental health. I'd been prescribed Citalopram at the time but soon realised that I needed to leave that environment so I handed in my notice. As predicted, things got worse during my notice period and I ended up taking sick leave. None of my colleagues contacted me, I wanted to say goodbye so I went into work on a day that a few other people were leaving the company. I asked my boss if this was ok and got the go ahead, I messaged a few people I'd previously been close to at work so they knew. When I got there no one gave a damn, leaving cards and presents were being given out and I received only one from the company and that was given as an after thought. I left that day and vowed to have nothing to do with any of them. I should add that there have never been any grievances aired about me but a colleague had tried to blame me for something whilst I was off but had been sent off by my boss with a flea in his ear due to it having nothing to do with me.

A few months later I was added to a message group on Facebook by a group of people I didn't work directly with but who I'd been friendly with over the years (I'd been there 15 years). I was invited to a gathering they were having and I went, I had a nice time and they told me how bad they felt about the way I'd left and how I'd been ignored. I told them it was absolutely fine and that I'd missed them, no hard feelings etc etc and that was that. We've swapped a few messages and would most likely be organising a meet up in the next few weeks.

I found out through Facebook that there was a huge leaving party for a colleague last night, one of the people in the message group had posted publicly about how lovely it was to send of this amazing person and how great it was that so many employees, past and present, had been able to attend. I'd heard absolutely nothing about this party, I'd worked with the man the whole time I'd worked there and we were friendly. Loads of ex employees were there.

I suffer horrible social anxiety, I'm coming out of a depressed episode and although I don't want to go back to Citalopram I think it's for the best. Because of this I can't tell if my reactions are rational or not - I want to delete them all from Facebook and have nothing more to do with any of them, but is this overreacting? I feel so sad about it, but surely if they've done this then they actually don't care about being friends with me - they'd have invited me if they did? Should I cut them off? Or am I overreacting? They were so lovely to me when I saw them last but now I feel betrayed.

What should I do? I feel like doing if I do nothing it's allowing people to treat me badly but if I do something it'd be irrational.

Sorry this is long, I'm all mixed up today.

Lilaclily Sat 11-Feb-17 19:13:59

Honestly I think if you've left that organisation it's time to move on

People move in from jobs all the time and don't keep in touch with ex colleagues

Put your energies in looking for a new job if you want one, or new hobbies to make new friends

Hope you feel better soon, social anxiety is so hard to deal with flowers

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sat 11-Feb-17 22:08:47

Been there, worn the T shirt.
What you are describing is heard behaviour. They are behaving like a heard of sheep. They all have a place in the hierarchy and behave in the expected norm. The likes of thee and me don't conform. We make them uncomfortable because we don't follow the heard as they expect us to. You are better off out of it because to be part you can only be part of the pack.

CoffeeBreakIn5 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:06:37

Thank you for the replies, they are very helpful. Lilaclily you're right, I do need to move on I just feel so sad about doing that and the best way I can is to cut contact altogether. Thanks for the flowers 😊. I suppose without the social anxiety the natural progression would have been that I didn't see them and then I wouldn't be bothered.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent it sounds like you definitely understand my predicament, I hadn't even thought about the psychology behind why it's ended up like this. At first I thought that it can't be heard behaviour because loads of ex colleagues who left before me were there but when I think about it, they didn't leave because of mental health issues. Mental health issues seem to make people run for the hills and whilst I didn't broadcast it to the whole workplace I was honest about what had happened to me. I was kind of shuffled out of the back door, I didn't have a leaving party or even a goodbye and my boss told me some pretty awful things a particular member of my department had said about me. It makes people uncomfortable when things don't happen in a recognised way. And then there's being part of the pack as you say, I'm not in the pack and so they're not really going to need me anymore. It's so hard not to take these things personally, it hurt my feelings so much when I saw that facebook post. But I'm not part of that any more so I need to move on.

What I've done for now is unfriend the acquaintances from work who I haven't seen since I left. I've left the others for now and I'll just see how it goes. If there's another event and I haven't heard from them then I'll know. But I need to separate my own feelings from their behaviours. It's no fun feeling this hurt and anxious and then analysing my own reaction to judge whether it's rational or not.

Thanks again x

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 12-Feb-17 09:18:04

I understand because it is almost the exact same as heppened to me. I was working in local council and seriously ill with an undiagnosed condition. That showed itself as severe depression. I was signed off work with depression. For people at at work, it was worse than having leprosy and aids and ebola rolled into one.

When I collectd my stuff from my desk, no one talked to me other than my so called manager who took the opportunity to snipe and make sarcy comments. I am sooooo glad I no longer work in such a corrosive and poisonous place. Likewise,you are better off out. The future may be "rocky" but you will have your health and with that you can still do something.

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