Sudden realisation

[MerryRealisation]

I've realised today that what I went through when I was younger until I was 17 and beyond was emotional abuse and neglect. Because I've never really talked about my experiences until very recently I've made it okay in my head. I knew it wasn't normal but I didn't fully understand how awful it was. It's only seeing others reactions that have made me see it for what it was. Constantly being made to feel unloved and inferior. And now I'm in a similar place in my relationship. Not the inferior bit though I think. But still not having that belief in myself that I'm worthy of love and will find love again.
I've never thought of myself as abused and now it's hit me like a runaway train.
I work with people who have suffered abuse and now I'm one of them.

[Confusedandbefuddled2017]

It's a shock isn't it, I'm in a very similar place. Be kind to yourself and don't rush into anything. I'm trying to sit back and observe a bit. Don't know how to do the flowers thing but sending you lots.

[MerryRealisation]

Thank you. It's a total and utter shock. It's literally only yesterday and today. I'm receiving counselling, which started for another reason, but it has brought this out.
I'm so very angry at my parents.

[MerryRealisation]

to you too Confused

[MerryRealisation]

Sorry, these are some ramblings I need to get out of my head -

I realise that I don't feel worthy of proper unconditional love
I worry that although I know I need love that nobody will ever love me
I know that I can do it all on my own but I don't want to
I realise I've been making excuses for everyone in my life who should have cared for me more.
I miss my Nan so much as she's the only one who unconditionally loved me. My happiest memories are with her.
I throw myself into work as that's where I feel the most respected and recognised.
I wonder why I can talk about most of these things to others but cannot even begin to Imagine doing that with my husband. Why I don't feel I can open up to him. He knows what why mother is like, he knows the facts. But he doesn't know how that affects me emotionally.

[Confusedandbefuddled2017]

Merry, I'm dashing out but my first thoughts are realisation has to happen before there can be change, it doesn't take the pain away but it's a step in the direction of improvement, it has to be. Unmumsnetty hugs, lots of them.

[AnxiousCarer]

I had a similar realisation, though doesn't sound as bad a situation as yours, many years ago whilst having councelling. I remember feeling very hurt and angry. I found a book called "They F@$# you up" (from the poem of the same name) very useful. It was written by a child psychologist about the impact of our parents actions on our own mental health and I think had exercises to work through for each chapter.

[MerryRealisation]

Thank you both. I've spent the weekend curled in a ball and for once I have into the feeling. I feel better than I did, although it couldn't have got much worse.
I keep bursting into tears and then being really angry as another memory, or clarity of a memory, hits me.