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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Daughter's boyfriend has killed himself

33 replies

runningtogetskinny · 04/02/2017 18:39

Sorry for the dramatic title, but thats what happened basically. She is 19, he was 24, they'd been together 3 years. On Thursday she rang me to say she was finishing work early as her new boss told her to go home - her boyfriend hadn't replied to any texts and his Mother rang her to say he hadn't been seen since 9.00 and she had reported him missing. I collected her from work and dropped her at his Mother's house, telling her he had probably gone to a friends while out walking the dog (he hadn't taken the car with him). As I set off to drive home a neighbour rang from DD phone to say BF body had been found and the police were at the house. I went back straight away - he had hanged himself from a tree 1/2 way between his house and ours. Obviously she is devastated, we are all very upset by it - I just wondered if anyone has any advice about how I can best help her? I work in family support, but it feels very different when its your own child/family. Any advice received. Thanks

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CoffeeDiamonds · 04/02/2017 18:44

I have no advice at all but couldn't read and not post. What a horrendous waste. The poor family. Your poor daughter.

99percentchocolate · 04/02/2017 18:47

Give her time, listen to her when she's ready to talk, and hold her.
It'll take her a long time to get over it, don't rush her.
So sorry for your loss.

P1nkP0ppy · 04/02/2017 18:51

That's so tragic, I really feel for you all.
A close family member's partner committed suicide so I have some idea how you feel.
All I could do was be there when she needed someone to talk too/get angry with/make sure she ate and drank.

AnxiousMunchkin · 04/02/2017 18:51

When she's ready, there is a specific support group called SOBS I think (survivors of bereavement by suicide).

So sorry that this has happened

AnxiousMunchkin · 04/02/2017 18:53

SOBS

Here you go, they have a phone line, support by email and local groups

Lilybensmum1 · 04/02/2017 18:56

I'm so sorry for your daughters loss, I can't imagine how that must feel, you can only do what you are doing as a mother. I'm so sorry for you both.

Branleuse · 04/02/2017 19:00

oh god, your poor daughter :(

understandnothing · 04/02/2017 19:02

I'm so sorry. How truly awful. Thinking of your DD.

Isadora2007 · 04/02/2017 19:07

Oh how sad. His poor family and your dd too. So sad that he felt the only way out was this...

I hope the helplines can be of use to your dd. She will be experiencing such a huge range of emotions over the next wee while. Just be there for her and be prepared for a lot of anger and hurt and guilt.

Violetcharlotte · 04/02/2017 19:11

This is so, so awful. I'm so sorry. I've not got any advice to offer, but didn't want to read and run

BreakingSad · 04/02/2017 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Char22thom · 04/02/2017 19:13

Very sad situation, my brother aged 34, also hanged himself 3years ago. You need to be there (obv) for practical and emotional support. Be careful of expecting particular emotions as deaths by suicide can provoke different feelings to a 'normal' death, for example I have never felt anger at my db death, although others told me it was ok if I did, and this upset me more. SOBs are a great organisation as is MIND which I know some family members used as support, although I didn't. Most of all just be there for your daughter and also take time for yourself to grieve as you knew him well too xx

BreakingSad · 04/02/2017 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lynnm63 · 04/02/2017 19:14

All you can do is be there for your dd. She will be all over the place, replaying every word and text she'd sent. She will feel guilty I'm sure but it's not her fault.
So sorry you and she are going through this.

Reality16 · 04/02/2017 19:15

Also no advice but wanted to say how sorry I am. I do hope your DD gets some help from the SOBS organisation

Marmalade85 · 04/02/2017 19:17

Make sure she knows it isn't her fault as she will blame herself for various reasons.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/02/2017 19:20

Incredibly sad OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, your poor daughter. As her DM, you too will be living her pain. I don't have any advice, but Im thinking of you both, and wishing you strength. 💐

EvenFlo2 · 04/02/2017 19:21

Came on the post to recommend SOBS, they are an awesome group.

HamletsSister · 04/02/2017 19:27

This happened to me. I was 24, as was he.

Keep telling her she is not to blame. Be aware he may have left things behind that apportion blame, and be prepared. Tell her that men usually succeed if they want to and, even if stopped once, will usually try again - i.e. there is nothing she could have done. Tell her it is the result of illness and one of the symptoms is hiding the symptoms.

Let her talk.

Once a few weeks have passed, distract her with easy, normal things. It takes a while but normal (cinema, stupid gossip, crap telly) begin to be more appealing.

Be aware that his family will be devastated too.

Get her someone to talk to. I felt terrible guilt about burdening family and friends but was very relieved to talk to someone who was paid to listen.

HelenaGWells · 04/02/2017 19:28

So sorry to hear this. I hope she gets some help from sobs. Just be there to listen to her and comfort her. Keep telling her it's not her fault if she tries to blame herself.

Patienceisvirtuous · 04/02/2017 19:29

How tragic :(

Can't add anything extra but wanted to send love and strength to you and your daughter. I hope she knows it wasn't her fault.

A bereavement support group, especially the suicide specific one mentioned above would be my first stop x

StarUtopia · 04/02/2017 19:45

When I was 20, my uni bf committed suicide by gassing himself in his car whilst on Easter break at his parent's.

Obviously pre mobile/internet era, and I found out about by a girl who I barely knew coming over shouting it at me in the pub. Just remember collapsing :/

Anyway. The bit I found hard was the fact that he was obviously upset but hadn't confided in me. I literally had no idea. I thought we were both happy, I thought he was really happy. He clearly wasn't. Counselling is a must. I still think very fondly of him 20+ years later and think what a bloody waste of life. Reassure your daughter a lot. Suicide does not end suffering - it merely passes the suffering onto someone else. I'm not sure social media etc today actually helps people grieve or move on :(

Thinking of you all at this very sad time.

Nonameyet1 · 04/02/2017 19:49

No advice but really sorry for your terrible loss.

londonrach · 04/02/2017 19:50

Your poor dd and her bf family. Listen to her. Chocolate and tea. xxx

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2017 19:58

That's shocking and desperately sad, I'm so sorry for yours and your daughter's loss, and for his family and friends

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