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How am I supposed to keep going?

(147 Posts)
SailAwayWithMeHoney Sat 04-Feb-17 10:06:23

I was raped by my (now) ex-boyfriend. Many many times, it was just one of the many horrid aspects of the abusive relationship. We go to crown court trial literally in a matter of days for the rapes.
The other day I watched the video interview I did with the police. The one I did when I first reported him. It was the first and last time I've properly spoken about what he did. It was fucking horrible.
Legally I can't discuss the case and can't talk about what happened because it's evidence.

But I have ptsd. I'm reliving everything. I constantly feel sick. I feel so anxious. Slept nearly 12hours on and off last night and still feel exhausted. Everything tastes like shit and I can't stomach anything (I have an eating disorder aswell which flares up when the ptsd does) I have friends messaging me asking how I am but I just don't want to talk to them. I haven't got the words.

Tried to ring rapecrisis last night but couldn't get through. It just rang out 4 times before I gave up.

I need to talk about what happened, I need to process it before the trial. Watching the video interview has bought everything back. There are some bits (incidents) I barely remember and feel like my brain is blocking it. But at the same time I'm assaulted continuously by thoughts and images of other incidents. I can feel everything he did to me. I can feel everything I felt.

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Can't hit breakdown. I'm alone with my 4yo. My mother is coming later and staying the weekend but I can't talk to her. How am I supposed to hold it all together? sad

AnxiousCarer Sat 04-Feb-17 12:54:11

Huge hugs to you. I have had PTSD and know how truely awful it can be. For me a treatment called Eye Movement Integration from an NLP ( neurolinguistic programming ) therapist was truely amazing, it resolved all my symptoms in 1 session. Most NLP techneques are content free, so you don't have to talk about what happened for them to work. Since having the therapy I have been anle to think about the traumatic events rationally for the first time and feel like I am starting to actually process what happened properly without the flashbacks getting in the way.

Another techneque that really helped me was EFT (emotional freedom techneque ) which helped quiet the anxiety, I think theres some stuff about that on utube.

And meditation definately helped me hold it together I used the headspace app initially and then descovered a fantastic track called the golden core on

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sat 04-Feb-17 23:14:45

I often find that when thoughts keep going round and round in my head.. and feeding off themselves .. It helps to write them down.

The act of describing in writing what you are thinking about changes the way you think about it.

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sun 05-Feb-17 08:07:45

Thank you both.

I've looked into the NLP thing before but don't think it's for me if that makes sense? I've tried something similar before and it didn't have any effect 😔

I think I'll try writing it down. Or maybe voice recording it.
Mother is here and I have to keep it all bottled up until she leaves tomorrow. Can't believe it starts in the morning 😩

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 05-Feb-17 09:52:07

Virtual hand hold for you tomorrow. The imagning about it is worse than the actual doing it. .once things start, you focus on the job in hand. Possibky a bit like giving birth. You know it is comming soon. You know it is going to hurt like you have never felt pain before. You know you can't avoid it. And you know that despite all the medical stuff, it can kill you. But once it starts .... all those thoughts dissapear.

PS, I don't think many men would survive it....

isupposeitsverynice Sun 05-Feb-17 10:06:49

i don't know what to say, got no practical advice, but have a trial in June for vaguely similar matters and already bricking it so couldn't not reply. You've done so well to get this far, not long now and it will be done and you can get on and rebuild your life. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this and I really hope it goes well for you tomorrow, I will be thinking of you flowers

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sun 05-Feb-17 10:51:01

Thank you both so much... I'm so scared.

I'm very in touch with all the emotions of what happened, in a way I don't think I ever really have been before?
I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I remember all the ways I used to try and focus on other things whilst it was happening. I can feel how I felt. How it physically felt.

I know part of that is my ptsd.

But at the same time, he's claiming everything was all consensual all the time and I don't know how to prove otherwise. Just have to hope the jury can see the truth 😓

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sun 05-Feb-17 10:53:25

isuppose flowers

blue2014 Sun 05-Feb-17 11:05:26

Writing down or voice recording it and listening over and over again is a way of processing trauma. Be aware it might make things worse before it makes it better. Have you had trauma therapy? It's very hard to do this alone and a good trauma therapist will help you understand everything you are going through (for example, having no words is really normal, trauma temporarily shuts down the word finding part of the brain)

Maybe go to Gp and ask for a referral?

flowers for you, I promise this will get easier in time x

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sun 05-Feb-17 11:32:48

I can't have trauma therapy until after the trial.
I have to see the go every week to get my medication, I'm on mirtazapine and am an overdose risk, so never have more than a week of tablets in the house.

I'm struggling with my memory and am scared I'll freeze up on the stand and not be able to answer their questions. Especially under cross examination. There are some gaps in my memory, bits that are in my statement that I can't fully remember. I know that's normal for trauma.

blue2014 Sun 05-Feb-17 11:34:49

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this flowers

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sun 05-Feb-17 11:38:14

Thank you flowers

SailAwayWithMeHoney Mon 06-Feb-17 06:56:45

Can't believe it starts today. I feel sick.... have a day of watching the phone waiting for a call to tell me what time I give evidence tomorrow sad

LovesRecovery Mon 06-Feb-17 07:03:45

Are you sure your mum won't be supportive if you open up? Is there anyone who can go with you to court and hold your hand? Good luck, you will get through it!!

stressedoutbunny Tue 07-Feb-17 00:24:33

I hope today hasn't been too stressful for you. Going to court can be nerve wracking at the best of times let alone when it is about something so personal and traumatic.

When you are called to give evidence can I suggest a couple of things? Try to regulate your breathing as much as possible (easier said than done I know). If you are asked a question and you are struggling to answer, ask them to repeat the question to give yourself more time. If you are unsure why they are asking, ask them to clarify. I am
Sorry if this sounds patronising it's not meant to! And if it is getting too much and you are getting upset ask if you can take a moment to compose yourself. A good judge should be offering that to you anyway.

I've suffered PTSD in the past and didn't find that much support but EMDR is supposed to be very effective with trauma victims of all kinds. But I would suggest putting that aside for now and just get through the trial. Day by day. And remember to believe in yourself. Xx

SailAwayWithMeHoney Tue 07-Feb-17 06:58:07

LovesRecovery I did try speaking to my mother, but she's not that great. I try to talk about the symptoms of ptsd and she just tells me she knows because she has ptsd aswell confused

I give evidence today. I'm so scared. Was on the phone to my sexual violence support worker last night and she's talked me through what will happen when I arrive at court...

I need to get dressed. Leave in an hour. Sweating already shock

playmobilpeacock Tue 07-Feb-17 07:01:44

You will get through this.

I have nothing but admiration for the incredibly brave thing you are doing.

flowers You'll be in my thoughts today.

SailAwayWithMeHoney Tue 07-Feb-17 07:43:40

I'm ready already. Think I look smart. Hoping my hair stays's too short to put up so have straightened it to hopefully look nice.

So stressed.

SailAwayWithMeHoney Tue 07-Feb-17 07:44:03

Thank you playmobilpeacock

isupposeitsverynice Tue 07-Feb-17 08:23:04

Good luck today SailAway, I'll be thinking of you and sending love, light and strength xx

playmobilpeacock Tue 07-Feb-17 16:06:58

I hope today has gone as well as it can.
I'm sure you looked very smart.

I've been thinking of you.

blue2014 Wed 08-Feb-17 02:16:46

Thinking of you too xx

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Wed 08-Feb-17 02:32:45

I have no words, but I'm thinking of you

SailAwayWithMeHoney Wed 08-Feb-17 10:54:50

I did it.

They had to drag me into the courtroom and I think I cried the whole time. But I did it.

Was fucking awful. I feel broken now. He saw me and glared at me.
Now it's just a waiting game... have to prepare for an acquittal.

Can't believe it's really real and I really did it? So tearful today 😓

blue2014 Wed 08-Feb-17 11:15:10

So proud of you Sail, I can't imagine how hard that must have been flowers

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