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Life is joyless and largely pointless

(35 Posts)
pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 21:00:31

Sorry for such a somber title but hey. If you can't say so in MH where can you?

First of all ... I don't mean this horribly but please don't make suggestions as I can almost guarantee I've done them.

I had a middle class upbringing but following my mums death in my teens my dad met a woman within weeks and remarried. After that things were so hard at home and after I went to university it was made plain I wasn't wanted. I spent university holidays working in caravan parks, holiday homes up and down the country. Obviously it was very lonely.

I did get a good professional job, bought my own small home, but things were still lonely. I suppose I'd got used to being alone. I did well at my job but it was all I had in my life. Then I had a huge setback (which wasn't my fault at all but nonetheless was hugely damaging from a career perspective.) I do two jobs now to try and keep things together.

I have friends but they have their own lives. No partner and no real prospect or having one. Almost at an age where having a baby could be tricky (36.) Lonely. So so so lonely.

I have the most awful pent up anger in me and I suppose it's all the loneliness and pain I feel. I attack myself, sometimes beating myself round the head with a shoe or hardback book or anything. I scream.

I don't see the point in seeing my GP. I feel like having a good career was the only thing I had in a sense that gave me something to be proud of, now that's gone I have nothing and I have no one.

Thanks for listening. Sorry to whinge on.

BoboChic Fri 03-Feb-17 21:04:18

You sound very courageous, OP. But you do need to work on finding a partner. At 36 the secondary market will be a much better bet, though. Do you have any hobbies?

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 21:06:51

Honestly there is no point. I'm really very ugly plain, I don't deal with rejection well either which I suspect stems from my dad. I've tried online dating before but the lack of interest I get just depresses me and makes me feel sad.

BoboChic Fri 03-Feb-17 21:10:50

Online dating sets you up for rejection.

Do you go to church?

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 21:12:42

No, I don't really have any belief. When I did it was all couples. Christians marry young IME.

AtSea1979 Fri 03-Feb-17 21:16:25

There's lots you could do. You talk a lot about loneliness so I think you put great pressure on being with someone to make you happy. Perhaps look at different ways of being happy.
Also you don't need a partner to have a family.

BoboChic Fri 03-Feb-17 21:16:55

Online dating sets you up for rejection.

Do you go to church?

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 21:17:25

No bur I would AtSea

I'd never be able to afford it otherwise

Fighterofthenightman Fri 03-Feb-17 21:27:36

What do you want from this if you don't want suggestions as to how you may possibly improve things?

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 21:36:03

Just letting it out fighter Truth is I want to die but can't find any non traumatic/painful ways to do it. (I have Samaritans no thank you )

Trying2bgd Fri 03-Feb-17 21:48:00

Firstly, flowers and a virtual hug
Please don't beat yourself anymore, be kind to yourself right now, perhaps you can only manage a little but do it, every day. You clearly have an amazing store of strength and courage to have overcome so much early trauma and handle this career setback. Do not lose hope now. Please talk to your GP, just talking will make you feel better and they may be able to provide more help than you think.

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 21:52:39

I did have an appointment for this week but cancelled it. Not sure what I want them to do!

QuiteLikely5 Fri 03-Feb-17 21:58:25

You are intelligent so therefore you must understand you are being irrational.

Your father has almost ruined your life but can I ask are you truly going to let him kill you??

What would your mother want? Not this! Doesn't she live on in you??

I get that you were dealt a dreadful hand but come on please don't give up.

Get some therapy, anti depressants and join city Socializer or meetup

Don't give up flowers

Trying2bgd Fri 03-Feb-17 22:11:14

You don't have to know what you want from GP, just go and talk to someone sympathetic and objective. Perhaps you have depression or low self esteem, please choose to accept help and support rather than battle it alone. Even the strongest need a helping hand.

roseteapot101 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:15:51

I have a partner and i feel a bit like you ,yes i have a loving partner but when their your only friend and no woman in your life to speak to its hard.I dont even have family to speak to and no career.I so wanted to study medicine but a rubbish education and damage to my hands.That was a pipe dream.

I am currently trying to smile but i feel like screaming.I can understand the anger i hate myself because all i do is upset people.I just cant form connections with people i watch as people have party's , socialise and have fun with people.Yet i can never have that

I suggest you get a Siamese i know its a big cliche but for me my cats are one of the things that keep my sanity.Its nice having a breed of cat that welcomes you home and responds when you talk to them

wannabestressfree Fri 03-Feb-17 22:22:08

What happened with your job?

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 22:23:53

rose flowers

I have a cat, though just a bog standard moggy. When I'm really low though I find him a pain. I don't communicate this but when he's miaowing at the door (again) and well, just being a perfectly normal cat smile he. bothers me.

Quite my mother wasn't really easy. She wouldn't have wanted this for me but then she wanted perfection from me and I couldn't be perfect. I wasn't attractive enough, slim enough, popular enough or talented enough for her but then I think no one would have been.

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 22:24:31

It's a bit complicated. False allegation. Something and nothing really but horrendous nonetheless.

mumofthemonsters808 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:24:52

The way you are feeling is making you unable to see the woods through the trees.You sound like you are being flooded by negative thoughts and they are crippling you, hence the request to die. The loneliness allows these thoughts to run wild. Please ring the Samaritans, sometimes just hearing a voice, can ease the pain.

You underestimate and dismiss your achievements, because the way you are feeling is twisting everything.Here's my take on things:

You've survived without a family, this alone is a major, major achievement.MOst of us are loved and nurtured by our parents, until the day they die, I've got friends still reliant on their parents in some shape or form and they are 50.You had to function alone as a young woman, it takes some doing.
You are educated,you are a home owner (all achievements).Yes you may be rubbish at online dating, but who isn't ?. You describe yourself as ugly, most of us are just average looking, I bet my bottom dollar you are too but the distorted thinking makes you insist you are below this mark. You have friends, yes they may have commitments but you're able to form relationships.
Even the loneliness can be turned around, but you need to put yourself out there. You need to make a conscious decision that the loneliness is not going to haunt you and this involves opening your mind and trying new things be it a walking group, dance class, anything that gives you contact, occupies your mind and gets you away from four walls. Join anything you can, if you don't feel comfortable cross it off the list and onto the next one. I go to a kick boxing class, I'm shit at it, but I've met some great people, I count down to the next class because I enjoy it so much. I understand you've got to be in the right frame of mind to do this though.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, it makes me so sad to read posts where people sound so unhappy. Stay with us OP, we may be behind keyboards but our ears are open.

Trying2bgd Fri 03-Feb-17 22:27:05

flowers roseteapot101

Perhaps the people you have met so far are just not your tribe. It doesn't mean you can't. Also for some people, friendships are slow burners, you know someone for practically years before you actually become friends. Don't write yourself off.

Funnyonion17 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:29:04

It sounds like you've had things very hard op. No wonder your so down. Could you get involved with volunteering, or maybe join some clubs. Im not suggesting it would be easy but meeting more people might open new doors and bring you some company and life could be more fulfilling.

annandale Fri 03-Feb-17 22:35:43

Just posting because I read your OP and felt for you. No answers particularly, I am very lucky to have a family but am an atheist so that 'life is pointless' feeling overtakes me too at times. I also know the pattern of taking on a caring responsibility because people say that is what life should be about, and finding it draining and infuriating!

The only thing that is a cast iron guarantee to lift my mood is getting on my bike. Not much help as I can feel deep black the moment before I start and it descends again the moment I get off but while I am poddling along usually slower than walking pace, I do feel happier.

I hope change I out there for you - even if just a new counter irritation...

roseteapot101 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:38:45

Mine likes to bother me usually its when hes running full speed across the bed at goodness o clock in the morning or howling for his favourite toy but i find if you talk to them even if they are a bog standard moggy they start to reply.I also own a very chatty tortoise shell .I like Siamese in particular because they seem to like to climb on top of you when your down and bother you with persistent purring =p

My parents were no picnic either one upper middle class educated man turned drug addict and my mother although she tried was not the loving type.

I have learnt if i dwell on those feelings of family they will only drag me down further i personally try to make things to look forward to.Yes its hard being alone but find places to see,nice places to eat and fun things to do gives me something to look forward to.

pastelballoons Fri 03-Feb-17 22:40:40

I do volunteer smile but it's not enough somehow.

Cat never stops eating. No joke. Either that, or he wants to go out, then in. Perfectly normal cat then grin but he doesn't give meaning to my life or anything like that. I'm fond of him but I do find him a bit of a nuisance if I'm honest blush

Trying2bgd Fri 03-Feb-17 22:45:51

I really hope that everyone in pain right now finds some comfort in knowing they are not alone from this thread. And honestly you are not alone. We are in your corner, wishing you the best and spurring you on. I don't know any of you but in dark times you remember this thread and feel a little better. flowers

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