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Anyone around? Can't manage any more.

(22 Posts)
OvercomeByGravity Thu 02-Feb-17 00:09:30

I'm sorry to be posting here, when lots of people have far bigger problems, but I can't do this any more.

I've been on ADs for 4 years this time, but 13 years on and off. I'm supposed to be getting better but I don't think it's happening. I can't even namechange because I can't remember any of my login details, I just rely on the machine leaving me logged in. I'm just so tired and worn down and I can't talk to DH because he suffers from insomnia and he's finally asleep and if I wake him now that'll be it for tonight for him.

But I'm so old and tired and sad and I can't stop crying. The bigger DCs try to look after me because they know I'm exhausted but I don't want them to have to tiptoe round me or look after me, I'm a grownup for fuck's sake. But I've got to get up in six hours to start it all over again and I can't. I just want a lifetime or so off.

What do I do?

HaylJay Thu 02-Feb-17 00:14:36

Aww I'm so sorry I don't know how much a advice I can give but wanted to send you a virtual hug.
Have you ever tried a different AD?
I used to use cirlaorpam for a couple of years it didn't help. I tried setraline with much better result.
Their may be another one that works better for you?
Also do you get any time to yourself or anything that you enjoy doing?
I found listening to my favourite music in the morning also dance and swimming helps me xx

HaylJay Thu 02-Feb-17 00:14:46

Sorry I can't offer you more help x

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Thu 02-Feb-17 00:22:11

flowers depression is a horrible monster. It's hard, sometimes it seems impossibly so, but try to remember you are loved and wanted. Your dc trying to look after you speaks volumes for how much they care, and we don't know each other but I care too.
Be gentle with yourself, you aren't supposed to be getting better, there is no timeline anyone expects you to work to. Have you got some counselling? Or CBT? Does the doctor know how you are feeling? Have the meds ever made you feel like you have improved? If not they might need changing. Even if they have maybe another might help more.
Could you make a hot chocolate and have a nice long soak in the bath with some bubbles? Read some of a good book? Headphones and listen to some music? Anything you enjoy doing?
If not might it help to write down everything you are feeling? You could show the doctor if you wanted to help explain and if not it might help to just get it out and into the world?
If you feel unsafe phone 111, if not I would honestly advise getting a gp appointment in the morning and be gentle with yourself tonight.
I'm not sure I've made any sense but I hope you understand my post. I'm not always the fastest at replying but you can inbox me if ever you need an ear to listen so to speak. Plenty of people care op, you are not alone.

OvercomeByGravity Thu 02-Feb-17 00:23:35

Thank you Hayl. It's nice to know there's someone else there.

I've been taking escitalopram for a couple of years now. I get time "to myself" during the school day (but that's mostly filled with housework and grocery shopping and the post office and my mother and and and) and I walk on my own at weekends, but this last few weeks has been insanely full on (one of the DC being treated for anxiety, ironically). I suspect this may all be a reaction to that but tonight it just seems particularly awful and DH is asleep.

Thanks for listening.

TrishanFlips Thu 02-Feb-17 00:23:54

Why are you sad?

OvercomeByGravity Thu 02-Feb-17 00:26:56

Thank you also Superhero. I think I feel I'm "supposed" to be getting better because I was having private counselling (CBT and things) but my insurer withdrew support because it went on too long. I feel appallingly guilty using family money to prop me up.

I'm not in any danger. I just want to feel less like the huge Ball of Sad sitting on my chest is going to overwhelm me completely.

I will try hot chocolate. Green & Blacks cures most things, right?

TrishanFlips Thu 02-Feb-17 00:27:01

Sorry only just saw your last post which explains it a little. I feel sad too sometimes but I don't know why.
flowers

OvercomeByGravity Thu 02-Feb-17 00:27:33

I'm sad because I have too much to do and too many people to look after, so I'm not looking after any of them properly.

TrishanFlips Thu 02-Feb-17 00:37:47

You are doing your best and you care so try not to beat sad, be proud.

TrishanFlips Thu 02-Feb-17 00:41:17

You mentioned a hard week.I think you are right- you are having a reaction to that. Try to take a break.

OvercomeByGravity Thu 02-Feb-17 00:42:52

Thank you Trish (just got the joke in your username btw. Good one.). I think the hot chocolate is helping. I hope this is just the last few weeks working its way out. Tomorrow will be busy, again, but I might be able to take some of Friday for myself. I will try to be proud.

OvercomeByGravity Thu 02-Feb-17 00:50:09

The hot chocolate is doing its thing. I will got back to bed and hope the sugar sends me to sleep. Huge thanks to all of you for talking to me. flowers

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Thu 02-Feb-17 01:01:27

Please don't feel guilty, you aren't using the money to support you but to support your family. You are part of the family, you wouldn't feel guilty spending it on treating your dc or dh, you mean as much as them. flowers sadly insurers and nhs seem to think a limited number of sessions fits every problem and person, depression is a personal journey.
That big black dog sat on your chest is a feeling so many of us can sympathize with, he's horrid and heavy.
When you say you aren't looking after any of them properly I really want to disagree. You are doing everything you can, that's all any one could ever ask /want /expect, so you are looking after them properly. Don't forget though you need to look after yourself, if that means letting your dc help round the house a little or taking a day to yourself when they are at school then do it. You are worth it, whatever that big black dog might say sometimes.
Sorry your dc is struggling but remember they are getting help. That's the best thing for them.
There's very little a good hot chocolate can't at least help with wink

OvercomeByGravity Fri 03-Feb-17 16:30:05

Thank you to everyone who held me up the other night. I got DH up 6.30 the following morning and got him to help me do the unavoidable bits of the day and then retired to bed. A huge sleep has helped enormously, as has the realisation that I'd been so busy I'd not taken my tablet for 3 days. Sadly, then, I'm not better and won't be off them any time soon. A friend disapproves of them and keeps telling me I need a homeopath, a nutritionist and more exercise, but I think this proves that is bunk.

Anyway, I'm back on a far more even keel today, albeit with a feeling that it will all go tits up again if I push it too far too soon and try to take everything on all at once.

Thanks again flowers

HaylJay Fri 03-Feb-17 17:11:24

Try take it easy on yourself when you can and although yourself little luxurys be it hor chocolate, a bubble bath, your favourite books etc.
Don't worry about gettting housework done first - that can wait til later - although yourself an hour to relax first 😊
Sometimes with depression even when circumstances feel fine you can still feel sad, it's a horrible disease but it doesn't define you and you are a good person and you clearly care! You should like your doing a brilliant job don't beat yourself up.
All I can say is things seem bad now and they will get better ❣️

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sat 04-Feb-17 00:22:50

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better, I've been thinking of you. Depression can be a bit of a roller coaster but remember we are all here if you need us. flowers

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sat 04-Feb-17 07:45:37

How are you today?

LadyMarmyLard Sat 04-Feb-17 07:57:53

Lovemylittlesuperhero can I just say you are lovely. Your comments are so genuine and helpful.

Hope you are feeling better today OP flowers

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sat 04-Feb-17 08:15:08

blush thank you

Op I didn't comment on your friend last night as I was pretty annoyed at her thoughtless comment and didn't want to say anything unnecessary or unkind. I do think though that I need to say, you don't need a homeopath, nutritionist and more exercise. If you want to do/see these then that's fine, go for it, it may help, I found a 15 minute walk every day lightened my mood, but medications aren't prescribed where a few herbs and a bit of fresh air would do so please don't stop your meds and please don't let anyone make you feel guilty about taking them. Your friend clearly cares and means well but I think she pretty obviously hasn't ever been there herself, I wouldn't want her to come back one day and have been there and understand, wouldn't wish it on anyone, but remember that a lack of understanding can sometimes breed poor advice.
Also as for forgetting your tablets, I'm as nightmare for this myself, have you considered setting an alarm on your phone that goes off daily. I found having my tablets in my bag and an alarm set meant I forgot them much less because I could just grab and swallow when the alarm went off instead of having to remember.
flowers hope today is better still for you!

OvercomeByGravity Sat 04-Feb-17 16:55:35

You are all so very kind, to be thinking of total stranger who's got herself in a knot.
Today has been a reasonably good day, but I have had to sneak off for half an hour's quiet because being surrounded all the time, even by people I love, is too much.

I think you are right, Superhero that my friend has no idea what this is like. She made me cry, in the playground, (and I NEVER show emotion in public) so I don't think she'll raise it again. I felt so judged.

One of the things my struggling-DC has been given as a tool in his arsenal for dealing with anxiety is a breathing technique to invoke the parasympathetic nervous system - 6 or even 5 breaths a minute. It's great for him, he's sleeping properly for the first time ever and it helps a great deal when he's stressed about something but not full on panicking. However, I do it with him - he likes the company - and I've discovered that it strips away the adrenaline that's holding me together. Three nights running I've put him to bed then dissolved into a puddle of tears because it all seems so hopeless and I've made such a terrible mess of helping him grow up. The other three need me too and I don't have much left to give them.

I really wanted to be able to say that I was cheerily skipping along, thanks for all your interest and good wishes. I have an excellent public face, but I can't fool DH and there's no point in lying to myself. I've not felt this bad since I started on the tablets again 4 years ago, and I wish I knew how to move it on.

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sat 04-Feb-17 20:59:22

Half hours quiet time might be your way of coping, I do my cross-stitch or crochet for half hour a day and go for a little 15 minute walk in the evenings, just so I have had some time to myself and quiet. We all have times when we just need some time to ourselves its completely normal, however
Please know there is no reason to feel judged. There are so many of us out there taking anti depressants or struggling with other mh illnesses, just as you say of yourself, we learn to hide it. Personally I believe the people who understand vastly outnumber the few who don't.
When you are doing the breathing with your son could you concentrate on thinking how much your company in doing it is helping him? How much he obviously loves you and how comfortable he obviously feels around you to want you there when he is doing it? You haven't made a terrible mess of helping him grow up, people with the "perfect" upbringing can still end up with anxiety, you are helping him get through it so you are doing exactly what he needs.
Don't worry about a cheery public face here, we are here because we are here to help, not because we want the mask (I have a very good mask too). Sometimes you need to cry, sometimes you need to just take the mask off and let it all out. It's ok to do that! I found, though I feel horrible at the time, crying and letting it out has helped me heal a little.
Maybe it is worth speaking to your GP about a medication review? You might need to try a different med or dose?
flowers take it one day at a time, you sound like a fabulous mom and a wonderful person, you got this!

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