Sons father making me feel unstable

[user1485963128]

So my sons dad has issues. He's an okay father apart from his anger problems. He's always shouting and angry. Last year sometime he started getting nasty if I pissed him off. Saying things like I just wish you'd fuck off and die, drop dead you cunt, you look like a man, you're a retard and you don't even love our son. I thought I could stick around as if I leave his dad I'd be moving 300 miles away to where I'm originally from. I just don't want my son growing up without a father.
I'm starting to think now that it's really affecting my son. When his dad is home (he works away and or really long hours) my son plays up. He doesn't want to go to sleep and is constantly trying to get attention. His dad has no qualms about shouting and being angry in front of our son. He accuses me of trying to cheat on him and I'm basically confined to our house. I don't drive and can't really have friends around as he gets really annoyed. I feel so stuck here. I've never had any help or a break from my son. . I said to his dad a few weeks ago that I'm just going out by myself for a quiet drink for a few hours as I just needed a break, well he didn't like that at all.
He just has so much resentment towards me. And now I'm pregnant again and n I have zero energy and he's on my case in me lazy and a bad mum. Am I wrong in thinking that this isnt normal? Im getting really depressed and feeling so hopeless but now I'm wondering if I'm as bad as he thinks I am and that he has a reason to be like this to me.

[frazzled3ds]

You're not wrong to think that it isn't normal. I don't really know what to suggest in terms of how to get him to get some help if you really do want to make the relationship work, as I get a feeling he'd go nuts over it. It's easy for others to say leave him, harder for you to do, personally I wouldn't want to stay in that kind of relationship. You've commented that it's having an impact on your son, it's bound to. You say you don't want him growing up without a father - being a bit blunt about it, personally this man doesn't sound like much of a father, and what your son is learning from him isn't a great message either.

Speak to your GP or your midwife, find out what help and support is available for you, be brave and do the best thing for you, your son and your unborn baby - the guy you are with is effectively abusing you, and it's not too big a leap from angry shouting and controlling behaviour to a fist being aimed at you......

I hope you do get some help and support, and the same for your son too.

[user1485963128]

Thank you I think you're right. That's another reason I want to leave, I don't want my son to grow up to be like him. You're right I need to leave. Thanks for replying.

[frazzled3ds]

It sounds as though you've already been giving it some thought, and I know it's not an easy thing to do - so many things to weigh up and the fear of the unknown etc, but it sounds as though you may have support back home (I hope so anyway!)

Your health and well being, and that of your children are the most important things to consider, and yes leaving would be hard and traumatic, but in the long term if it means you have an opportunity to have a happy stable life where love and kindness replace shouting and abuse, then I reckon it's worth it.

Get going on finding out what help and support you can access, get your family in on the picture too, and give yourself and your children the best opportunities you can :)

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

It sounds as if he has some serious problems of his own. So this is the tough love bit.

You have either to get him to recognise he needs help and for him to do something about his own mental health. Or you have to recognise the present situation is not tenable and start the very messy process of splitting up.

FWIW, a very good friend was married to a depressive. She refused help even when she lost her job as a partner of a top company as a result of her illness. In the end they split because she refused to accept she had a problem and do anything to help herself. My friend could not carry the relationship with someone who refused to help themselves. .

[user1485963128]

That's it. I have tried to get him to see how it's affecting us but as soon as he's annoyed it all goes out of the window. My mum is sick with worry as she's seen his behaviour as well and she just wants me to be happy. I have a huge family at home and it would mean I could work and learn to drive as I'd have someone to look after him. I can't keep putting my son through this, it's making me feel so hopeless and I feel guilty that another child is going to be brought into this horrible situation. You are all so right thank you.

[frazzled3ds]

Good that your Mum has seen it and knows what's going on. Maybe you could go and stay with her for a few days to begin with, give him some space to think over things too. Itisnoteasy makes a good point that to help someone they have to want to help themselves too, I'm not sure whether your partner is at that point, or if he will ever be.....

Going home does sound as though it's got plenty going for it - a support network for you and your children, and opportunities for you to develop your skills and activity, which in turn gives you more opportunity to give your kids the best start you can.

[user1485963128]

Thanks for replying, he's all for changing til he gets angry n they he gets nasty again. It's not just his anger everything about him is bad. I don't know how I never saw it before but it's just left me hopeless. I need to leave him and make a better life for us. I don't want my children growing up in such a toxic environment.

[frazzled3ds]

Don't blame yourself for not seeing it - I've had long term relationships in the past that started out great, all was well, but it wasn't until I 'woke up' that I saw the manipulative behaviour, the put downs, the snide comments etc that were keeping me under the thumb so to speak.

You've nailed some key points and clearly aren't happy in the relationship anymore, you know what you want to do for you and your children too - it's a big step and scary I'm sure, but the long term picture will be brighter if you can do it.