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Feeling so low(5 Posts)
I'm a regular poster but name change. This is going to be really long, but need to get it all out.
I'm feeling so low and need some advice so please be gentle.
I'm a single Mum with 2 teenagers. I split with their Dad 12 years ago after a 10 year relationship. He was physically and emotionally abusive. I got on with things, as you do, looking after my kids, working full time and dealing with him. He messed the kids around practically every weekend he was due to see them and has never paid a penny towards them. Every contact with him was awful as he used it as an chance to get at me.
I met a lovely man who I dated for while, but my situation was so stressful we broke up but remained friends.
7 years ago I got into another awful relationship, I was v low, lonely and in debt. This men befriended me and put me on a pedestal, only to rip me down if things weren't going his way. Luckily I was able to get away from him as we didn't live together, but he did a great job of scaring me and humiliating me in front of everyone I know. My old boyfriend was wonderful during this time and really looked out for me and eventually we began dating again, and in 2013 we moved in together. This was another mistake, a combination of both our kids, our exes, money, we decided it wasn't working and decided to live separately but remain together. This seems didn't work as we were both so busy with work and kids, so 6 months ago we decided to end it but stay friends.
I've been feeling ok since, but 2 weeks ago I came home with my youngest to find my abusive ex (kids dad) in my house with my eldest I've not seen him for a couple of years as the kids are old enough to make their own arrangements with him and they only see him every few months when he can be bothered. I couldn't cope with him being in my home so asked him to leave, he immediately got aggressive and started shouting at me about how he was here to see "his sons". He left me reeling... since we split he's been in two other relationships where he's been abusive, he takes drugs, has no fixed address and pays nothing towards my children, but feels he has the right to come in my home and shout at me?
Since this happened I've been so low, I've realised I've never actually dealt with the the fact all this happened to me in the past. I take anti depressants and I think they mask the pain but when I try and come off them I can't function.
I've also managed to get into more debt since moving out if the house with my boyfriend, this makes me feel like a complete failure and I'm panicking about how I'll get through the month.
I met my old boyfriend for coffee earlier and ended up in tears. I still love him so much and know he feels the same, yet I know it won't work because of all this baggage (he also has issues with work and ex wife) but I really miss him and he's the only person I can really talk to.
Everyone thinks I've got it so together, I've got a good job which I enjoy, loads of friends, great kids... but all this is going on in my head and I just don't know how to start feeling normal again.
If anyone made it through this (which I doubt!) then thank you for taking the time to read it all. I don't know what I'm wanting to get out of posting here, but I needed to get it all out.
it sounds like you have been through a lot. I can see why seeing your ex in your house could have been very triggering of the traumatic memories. Have you ever had any therapy? It would be worth talking to your GP to see whats available in your area.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I've made an appointment with my Dr, but it's not for 2 weeks as that's the first one she had available .
Do your work offer any councelling services, I'm lucky that mine offer councelling and psychology. The wait is often a lot shorter than NHS. Does your area have a womens centre? A friend of mine accessed therapy through one following a violent relationship and found it really useful so that might be another option.
They do, I've never really looked at it though, I'm a bit worried about confidentiality and whether they feed back to HR?
I just feel like I should be over this, I left him 12 years ago. On the surface it must look like I'm doing great, but underneath I'm just a mass of emotion and self doubt. I'm 40, living in rented accommodation which I pay an absolute fortune for, I've got loads of debt so my credit record is really bad, and I can't cope with being in a relationship. Surely I should my life should be more sorted by now?
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