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Anyone around? Feel like I can't carry on, everything going wrong

(95 Posts)
Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 04:37:14

Feel like I can't take anymore. It's been a crap couple of years and today I finished with my boyfriend because we've just been rowing non stop and I'm so stressed, depressed and can't see it changing.

I know I did the wrong thing, I can't bear the thought of life without him and I just can't cope.

Im really scared .. I don't want to carry on. My life is useless, I'm useless.

TanteRose Sat 28-Jan-17 04:44:23

Oh sweetheart you're not useless!
You've done the right thing - if you and your bf were rowing all the time, that's not a happy relationship.
How old are you?
Do you have someone to call IRL?
Have a brew, get some sleep and see how you feel in the morning flowers

Onslow Sat 28-Jan-17 04:44:34

You're not useless. You are an important, valuable human. It sounds like you've been going through a horrific period of your life but I promise you, it will pass.

Are you safe? Have you someone, a friend or relative, that you can reach out to?

BrowsOnFleek Sat 28-Jan-17 04:54:44

Lucy, you're not useless. Life does go on, despite the pain you're feeling now. Don't make any reckless decisions whilst you're feeling so emotional flowers

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:02:03

I am useless. I ruined things. It's my own fault that we rowed all the time.

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:03:49

I have no friends and I can't call my mum, she's not well. Lost my dad 15 months ago. Dd took an overdose 3 week ago luckily not fatal.

I've let everyone down and ruined my bfs life.

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:20:08

I'm no good for anyone. Dd would be better off with her dad. I'm just a disappointment to DM. I've upset my bf so much, he doesn't deserve it. I did an awful thing.

octoberfarm Sat 28-Jan-17 05:24:13

Just wanted to echo what brows said - I know you're feeling absolutely awful right now and I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I promise you aren't useless and you haven't ruined anyone's life. It sounds like you've been having a really crappy time of it and everything's come to a head tonight, and no-one could blame you for feeling the way you do. I swear to you, things will get better, but to see all that happen, you need to be here, okay? There's time to sort through all this and to figure out how to move forward, and you don't have to work it all through tonight.

Would you consider calling the Samaritans for a chat? They can be there in whatever way you need. Their number is 116123, and you can find more info here:

Sending you a huge hug flowers

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:29:38

I dont use the phone .. anxiety issues. I've emailed them but don't know if they reply.

I have ruined my bfs life, I cheated on him for a stupid reason and we couldn't get past it. There, I've said it. I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve to live anymore.

octoberfarm Sat 28-Jan-17 05:39:21

Well done for emailing them, that was a brave thing to do. I'm sure they'll get back to you soon smile Just remember there's not one person on this earth who hasn't done something they regret, big or small, at some point in their lives. Everyone makes mistakes, and the fact you're feeling so awful shows how much you care. I promise you that you taking your life isn't going to make anyone's life better - your DD needs her Mum, even if you don't always see it. You're too important to go anywhere.

I'm outside of the U.K. and need to head to bed now as it's crazy late here, but it's almost morning in the U.K. (assuming that's where you are) so I'm sure more people will be along soon. I'll check back in tomorrow but for now, just wait for the samaritans to email you back, maybe curl up with a blanket and a hot mug of tea and your favorite tv show or movie, and take things one step at a time. You are not useless. You matter. I promise.

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:41:41

Thanks. I just can't stop thinking about what I've done and that I'll never see him again.

Dd would really be better off with her dad, much calmer and more stable than me. No one else cares.

DianaT1969 Sat 28-Jan-17 05:41:43

Hi, we all do things that we regret. Most of us can give examples of how we ruined a previous relationship, made a bad choice or hurt a loved one. You are no different and although you feel bad, you have to forgive yourself. Perhaps you acted out of grief or because you missed your Dad. This is life. Breakups are a part of living and few of us will be with one person for our whole lives. Tell him you are sorry, wish him happiness and then move on. Don't rush into a new relationship until you are comfortable with yourself. You have a lot to give.
If possible, do try to overcome the phone anxiety and call the Samaritans. A chat with your GP too perhaps? Try to do the small things that you enjoy, whether it's reading a book or coffee with a friend. You will feel better in the future. Hugs to you.

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:48:41

I've not had a chance to grieve for my dad .. my mum was having treatment for cancer at the time so I had to look after her. My marriage had broken down...

I've said sorry but we were rowing all the time. I can't be with him but I can't imagine life without him.

I can't see my gp .. impossible to get an appointment.

BrowsOnFleek Sat 28-Jan-17 05:50:01

Right now your emotions are heightened so you probably aren't thinking straight. I promise you, your DD will not be better off without you. It sounds like she needs her mum, you need to be there for her in the time after her OD. You can do this.

AnxiousMunchkin Sat 28-Jan-17 05:50:12

Samaritans aim to reply to emails within 12 hours. There is a text number as well 07725909090.

Ok, so you messed up one thing. But that means you don't deserve to live? Are we all supposed to be constantly earning our right to live? How are things in other areas of your life - do you work at the moment?

Hold on for a little while. Do whatever you need to to get through the next 10 minutes, and then worry about the 10 minutes after that flowers

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:53:18

I don't work due to depression and anxiety. I'm just a mess.

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 05:56:29

Thank you for the text number for the Samaritans, I'll text them now.

AnxiousMunchkin Sat 28-Jan-17 05:57:09

Ok. So it sounds like you've been diagnosed with depression & anxiety - so it seems like this could be the depression talking perhaps.

What support/help/treatment do you have for your mental health at the moment? Have you felt this bad before at all?

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 06:00:35

Yes, diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I see a counsellor once a week bit is a course of 12 and I've only 2 left, don't feel like we've got anywhere.

No other support. I'm taking ADs but don't think they are helping. I've tried an increased dose and other ADs but nothing helps. I saw the primary care mental health team but she said there was nothing she could do if I couldn't start to make changes.

I just can't cope anymore.

AnxiousMunchkin Sat 28-Jan-17 06:13:21

It sounds like you are engaging best you can, unfortunately resources are limited so they do have to ration a bit, it's difficult. Have you asked your counsellor what the plan is for when the 12 sessions end?

I've been through a bit of therapy on and off. I've noticed a few occasions that at the time I didn't think it was helping but a few weeks/months later what we did has clicked and it did help in the long run.

What sort of changes did the mental health team suggest you make?

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 06:16:50

There is no plan for when the sessions end .. it's not NHS counselling - that was run by students and not great sad. This is run by a Christian group.

The MH team suggested the usual .. get out more, walk or exercise more .. all not easy when you have depression and anxiety.

AnxiousMunchkin Sat 28-Jan-17 06:37:14

Oh I see. Was the NHS counselling through your local IAPT service? Perhaps you might qualify for other therapy with them. Might there be other support through the church at all - maybe a support group or similar?

Yup, a lot of the 'usual suggestions' are not easy. But they're not just saying them to get you to go away. It's because generally if we're able to do those things, they can really help.

I know you feel absolutely rock bottom right now. It sucks. Well done for asking for help so far though.

I know how challenging it can be to get a GP appointment, but do you think it's worth trying, even if you have to wait a while?

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 06:41:25

No I can't get an appointment at all. You have to ring in the morning at 8 and the appointments go straight away. Last time I managed to get an appointment it wasn't even a doctor. And all they suggest is trying another AD.

Lucysdiamonds Sat 28-Jan-17 06:46:49

Samaritans have texted me back.

AnxiousMunchkin Sat 28-Jan-17 06:52:27

Is trying another AD a bad thing? Personally I feel like I've tried about every AD going grin I eventually have found something that makes some difference for me. Enough to enable me to do all that self-care stuff and benefit from therapy better.

It's so hard to see things in a different way when you're this low, I know. Something I've done before is to think about how someone else might feel/react in my position, if their mind wasn't as messed up as mine is/was!

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