Feeling a bit overwhelmed and struggling

[frazzled3ds]

If this turns in to a ramble, sorry! And apologies too if it turns into a 'feeling sorry for myself' type thing - just need to offload and don't really know where else to go.....

My nana passed away this morning. She was told between Christmas and New Year that she had lung cancer, advanced and aggressive. She was moved to a hospice after New Year and stayed there. She was 91. My Grandad (89) has health issues of his own and after 70 years of marriage is heartbroken. My mum suffered a SAH last year, has diverticulitis, and whilst having recovered amazingly well from all that she faced last year, still has some difficulties including aphasia, and has only had her driving licence back from October last year. She doesn't drive very far though. I took her to see Nana (her mum) at the beginning of the month - heartbreaking as we knew it would be goodbye, her brothers both live near by so have been keeping us up to date with everything. Seeing my mum having to deal with that was so hard, although we are both glad she got to see her and say all the things that they wanted to.

My dad can no longer drive as his eyesight is failing. I took him to hospital this week for tests that we anticipate are going to confirm a suspected diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. He had a colostomy bag fitted last year after colorectal cancer surgery, he has prostate cancer, a leukaemia that's common in older people, and had a quintuple heart bypass 6 years ago after suffering we think 3 heart attacks. He is worried about what may be coming next (there's more scans and tests booked as well). A good friend of mine who has been an influential figure in my life from a young age is in the final stages of terminal pancreatic cancer - it is a horrible bastard of a disease.

My DP doesn't live close by - we have a LDR, seeing each other once a fortnight on the weekend my DS (3 of them) stay with their Dad. Makes getting a hug a bit tricky..... he is supportive, concerned for me, but the distance sometimes makes it hard to properly say all this kinda stuff. Missing him a great deal right now, won't be able to see him until next weekend :(

I got a sick note at the start of the year as I couldn't face going back to work in a job I should never have taken, and was struggling with - full time hours, and having lost the afterschool childcare facility I had (kids had been playing up rather a lot - they're generally pretty good, but for whatever reason this didn't work out and I have no other options left on that score) it was getting a bit much. Outcome of that was a mutual agreement to terminate my contract, and I am now on JSA, looking for something part time and preferably at a more 'junior' level mentally to what I have been doing - in itself a challenge as being taken seriously when wanting to take a step down tends to mean I get overlooked by potential employers. I can't not work, although I have to be honest that at present the breathing space couldn't have come at a better time.

I have previously suffered with depression, and for 2 years was on ADs but took myself off them (shortly before Mum was taken ill!) I know I dip quite low sometimes, hormonal fluctuations add to it somewhat as well. Don't quite feel low enough to go back on meds, but am getting to feel utterly fed up of this seemingly endless slog of rubbishy stuff. Oh and my brother is also facing challenges after his decent sized business went in to administration between Christmas and New Year - he's doing ok I believe and sorting things out, but I know my folks are worrying about him and it's another thing on their list of stuff to worry about....... which includes me and I worry about them too...... I don't know how Mum is going to cope with losing her Mum, or what impact this will have on her health.

Sorry... just needed to get that all off and out a bit - my DSs have been lovely this afternoon after I told them about Nana - although I also know that every time they come and hug me this evening I will have to try so hard not to cry...... and when we all go and see my folks tomorrow that's going to be a tough one too......

Thanks for reading this far. I know there's plenty of folks dealing with all kinds of stuff that's harder than this, I have so much respect and admiration for all these amazing people who hold it all together in the face of so much - just hoping I can do the same!

[AnxiousCarer]

to you, you are dealing with a lot. Be kind to yourself and remember there is no shame on going back on ADs if you feel you need them to get you through this tough time.

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

You don't need to hold back your tears from your son's, you lost your nana and are having a tough time.
You might feel overwhelmed but it would come across to me that you are handling it all very well.

[frazzled3ds]

Thank you both. I've not told my boys why my Dad is going for tests, they're used to both my parents having various hospital appointments for stuff, but until we know for sure what's going on with Dad I don't want to worry them any more than they already do. I keep swinging back and forth between wanting to go back on ADs and not - jury still out on that, but yes as you rightly say there is no shame in them.

Doing my best to handle things - sometimes its an emotional roller coaster, other times I just feel numb..... not sure which is worse!

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I'm also having the battle of do I go back on AD's (I'm breastfeeding atm) and I know it's really tough and the thought of going back on them really daunts me - even though I never had any adverse side effects.
Your partner might be far away but do you have any friends who can come spend some time with you? Even if you don't even discuss what's going on with your dad/JSA but just have some normality!

[frazzled3ds]

I've a couple of friends who I have told about Dad and JSA and who know me well enough to know when I'm putting on a brave face. That said, with three lads to keep me busy/exhaust me and very little 'free' time, catching up with people in real life is a tad challenging, and at times I can feel quite isolated. Mumsnet has been a real help in the last couple of days - partly as a distraction of sorts, and also through finding lovely people like you who take the time to say hello, and another lady on another thread who sadly is facing similar things with her Dad at the same time. I know there's going to be tough times ahead, sadness too, but that in the end things will carry on and a different kind of 'normal' establish. My boys tonight gave me a huge hug - I am lucky to have such lovely lads (even though they drive me dull at times!) who are loving, kind and thoughtful - they bring a little bit of sunshine to the darkest of days.

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

Well I'm constantly on mumsnet so if you ever need to get stuff off your chest, I am here.
I do hope you are resting now though.
Do you want to go back to work at this time? If I'm right with JSA you have to apply for quite a large amount of jobs every week.
If you didn't want to go back to work could you go on income support? It might help out (not much) but a bit more financially.
I'm glad your still finding your Ds's are brightening up your day.
If your not sure about AD's just yet, have you gone through IAPT? It might really help.
Could your DP come to you next time? Let you have a lie in and help out? With my DP I have to ask for help as he is unfortunately not a mind reader and doesn't realise how overwhelming things can become.
Thinking of you and your Ddad X

[frazzled3ds]

Thank you Will. To be fair to the jsa folks they've been pretty good so far - only been signing since the start of the month and not getting too much pressure so far. I do want to be working and have applied for a term time part time role at the local college - waiting to see what comes of that - but at this precise moment in time I'm glad I'm not working if that makes sense. DP does come to me sometimes, and I've spoken to him this evening which helped - the kids aren't part of the relationship, and whilst that may sound daft it works well (he has two grown up children too, also not involved with us)

Opting for the 'take each day as it comes' approach at present. Will see how things are next week and maybe go back to the GP - I'm not totally averse to ADs, I've managed mostly ok without them lately, but am aware that there's a lot going on in my life and that they may help if it all gets a bit much!

Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply - it is much appreciated.

[frazzled3ds]

Sorry - forgot to ask, what is IAPT?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

Sorry thought I had replied!
IAPT is a self referral (free) counselling system. I got the forms through the Health Visitor years ago but I think you can call and/or do it online too.
I think it's different numbers for different areas but give it a quick google if it sounds like something you'd be interested in.
I got 6 1 hour sessions of counselling and was discharged after the 6, however I was entitled to another 6 if they/I felt it was needed.
Hope you are feeling positive today!

[frazzled3ds]

Ah right, thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Not sure what the system here is but that's useful to know, thank you.

The sun is out today, my boys are very lively and that's all helping. Off to give my mum a big hug shortly too, overall I'm feeling ok today, thank you :)