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I royally screwed up this time and I feel awful

(23 Posts)
Namechange1571 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:21:14

My mental health has been spiralling downwards for a while. I was seeing a counsellor and it brought back lots of past trauma and I've been getting flashbacks and nightmares and being horrendously anxious.

DSD is 5 and had a meltdown on Sunday (as most 5 year olds do at some point). I didn't handle it well at all. I don't even know what was going through my head but I told her to shut the f* up. DP and I had an argument and I shouted and swore at him whilst DSD cried her eyes out.

I feel awful. I had total mental breakdown, I cried my eyes out for hours and felt so suicidal. I feel awful. Even after all that DSD was being really lovely to me. By the time things calmed down she wasn't there for long before DP had to drop her off at her mum's. DP isn't seeing her again until next Friday and I'm worried about how she is. I don't want her to be scared of coming over. Both of them deserve so much better than me and I feel like for both of their sakes I need to leave.

On Monday I looked for a new counsellor. I need to sort this mess out. I cant keep being the way I am. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave but I feel like I can't and shouldn't stick around.

sksinfood Fri 27-Jan-17 13:28:44

I'm in a rush and can't post much. Please (if you haven't already) look for a therapists who does EMDR. It helps HUGELY with flashbacks. Pm me if you like and I'll reply later on.

This WILL get better.

And next time you see DSD you can ask her if she was frightened and apologize for using bad words.

Namechange1571 Fri 27-Jan-17 14:04:33

The new counsellor I found does do EMDR.

I can't cope today. I'm in work and my mind keeps wandering. I have self harmed in the past and my thoughts keep wandering that way.

How do we move forwards from this? I don't even know as I keep feeling like I should just leave.

fallenempires Fri 27-Jan-17 14:40:38

Are you currently taking meds? Can you ring the GP and request an urgent appointment ASAP preferably this afternoon?
It's horrible when you know that you're on a downward spiral,the illness does make us say and do things which are totally out of

Namechange1571 Fri 27-Jan-17 14:59:32

Thanks fallen I saw the GP on Monday and he refused to changes my meds. He's referred me back to the psychiatrist but that'll be at least a few weeks. Currently I'm on mirtazapine, pregabalin and quetiapine.

fallenempires Fri 27-Jan-17 15:31:07

What reasons did he give?That doesn't sound very supportive.Can you ask to see another GP,this is urgent if you're considering self harming again.

Namechange1571 Fri 27-Jan-17 15:43:55

He said because the psychiatrist was the one who prescribed the quetiapine he didn't want to mess around with anything.

Tbh changing meds is never a quick fix anyway, I've changed so many times. I think I just need to stick with the counselling and go from there.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Fri 27-Jan-17 15:58:39

I don't know anything about self harm because I have never been there.

How are things between you and DP? Has he understood that you are wound up and not quite sensible and supporting you? Or is he in a huff because you lost it with DSD?

fallenempires Fri 27-Jan-17 15:59:27

Yes I see that makes sense.What a horrible situation to be in.Have you got the opportunity to unwind over the weekend?

Namechange1571 Fri 27-Jan-17 16:02:25

Things are okay. He's been really understanding and patient but I just feel so so bad.

I think so fallen My plan is to go for a short walk tomorrow. This evening I want to just go home and sleep, I'm utterly exhausted. I don't know about Sunday. I hate doing nothing but maybe a quiet day is needed.

fallenempires Fri 27-Jan-17 16:11:11

Glad to hear that your DP is supportive that makes a real difference IME.
I don't blame you for wanting rest and sleep,it's good to be able to take things at your own pace.Be kind to yourself and remember that you're not a bad person but an ill

Namechange1571 Fri 27-Jan-17 16:16:18

Thank you fallen I do feel like a bad person rather than just an ill person. I mean who says that to a 5 year old sad

StealthPolarBear Fri 27-Jan-17 16:22:41

I don't mean this unkindly bit I think for a little while you need to reduce how often you see your dsd. It's not fair on a child so young to be treated like that.
Just to emphasise you are ILL not bad. This is not a blame game but I do feel sorry for the child

fallenempires Fri 27-Jan-17 16:24:31

If your relationship with her is otherwise fine then please don't beat yourself up about it.The fact that you're so upset proves that you're not a bad person doesn't it?smile

AnxiousCarer Fri 27-Jan-17 16:26:33

I can completely sympathise. I am recovering from PTSD, as part of that my urges to self harm got so persistant I couldn't concentrate at work and ended up off sick. Do you need some time off sick yourself? I found that things didn't start improving until I took some of the pressure off, by going off work. Would your GP sign you off sick?

I'm glad you have found a new therapist. The councellor I saw told me that traditional councelling methods can make trauma worse, and I certainly found when I saw a psychologist that made the flashbacks worse. I did some reading and found some articles in the psychology journals that said 10% of people end up worse after traditional psychotherapy following trauma.

I saw a therapist for something called Eye Movement Integration ( EMI ) which stopped my flash backs and pannic attacks and resolved the anxiety and urges to self harm in 1 session. I think it sounds like its got some similarities to EMDR but is less mainstream. I would highly reccomend it.

StealthPolarBear Fri 27-Jan-17 16:50:07

I hope you come back and I hope my post doesn't upset you too much. If anyone thinks it needs deleting please report.

KJPxx Sat 28-Jan-17 07:57:21

How old is the child?
I found I was short tempered with my step son and I didn't have the opportunity to let him go back to his mam as he lives with me and his dad full time.
Fortunately he is old enough now (I believe) to understand things well enough - so rather than make excuses - I apologised, told him I'd do all I could to ensure it doesn't happen again and explained that I am seeking help for my own issues that are not reflective of how I feel about him.
He seemed satisfied enough and quite honestly our relationship is stronger everyday.
Children become adults and will very likely encounter the same stressful moments we are now as parents. I don't believe it's unhealthy to lose your temper, obviously if it was physical that's different but - how you act afterwards makes all the difference. It shows you genuinely care by how hard you're taking it.
Take care, you're human, not a monster x

Namechange1571 Sat 28-Jan-17 17:38:09

Thanks fallen

That's interesting anxious and I can see how that may be the case about traditional methods. I found I'd talk about what happened once and then it felt like I as expected to move on. I'm so glad I've found a lovely counsellor who does EMDR. She has said the focus is on processing the trauma rather than telling her specifically what happened. That in itself suggests this counselling is going to be very different and I think in a positive way. That's amazing things were resolved in one session! Re work I'm not sure. If I'm stuck at home I go stir crazy and think I need to be around people to distract me even though I'm finding it so difficult to focus. My manager is really understanding which is good and I think he's okay with me taking things slowly at the moment as he knows what's going on.

Stealth your post did upset me but only because I sort of feel you're right. Sort of because I know I was out of line last weekend, she doesn't deserve that and I'm the adult, I should be able to handle my emotions and not take it out on her when she's struggling to handle hers. I miss her like crazy when she's not here so I'd rather not step back and not see her much. I think if I start feeling agitated and like my emotions are going all over the place next time I see her I'll have to remove myself from the situation.

KJ she's 5. Tbh I don't know what to say to her. It'll have been almost 2 weeks since it happened and I don't know what to say to see if she's okay and apologise etc.

StealthPolarBear Sat 28-Jan-17 17:53:24

Ok, tell her you're sorry (as im sure you were going to) and that you kissed her like crazy. You sound lovely.

KJPxx Sat 28-Jan-17 20:45:40

Well I think you should try and maybe talk to her in a way she may understand. Explain when she has a bit of an upset stomach and nothing seems to help, that's how you have felt lately but that you love her and you didn't ever mean to upset her.
She's little and as much of a cliché as this is - resilient and forgiving at that age!
It's the one area I am certain about that at age 5 they'll forgive you - my step son forgave and protected his awful mother at that age.
You're having a bad time of it and you really shouldn't beat yourself up.
You are a good person just by how upset you've been over it all. And truth be told. She's probably not even given it another thought xx

fallenempires Sun 29-Jan-17 01:15:07

Hello lovely,how are you feeling?Hope that you're having that much needed R n

AnxiousCarer Sun 29-Jan-17 12:26:51

I think even with traditional councelling I've talked the same stuff through more than once without being expected to move on. Anyway the new therapist sounds good, so hopefully that will help. With the EMI I didnt have to talk about the traumatic events in any detail at all (he said doing that would just reinforce the trauma and make things worse, which was what was happening.) I gave him a rough idea of what had happened but he was more interested about how I was feeling, then got me to think back to the time I first felt this way whilst following his finger with my eyes. We worked back through each of the emotions and feelings one by one until we had dealt with them all. It was exhausting but amazing too.

As for DSD as others have said when you see her appologise for shouting and using s bad word. Tell her you love her and give her loads of hugs and kisses. You are only human and by no means the only parent to ever lose it and snap at/ yell at a kid. I'm not saying its right, but judging by our local supermarket (where I've witnessed several parental meltdowns) its not that uncommon. The important thing is you are sorry, you ddon't generally behave this way and DSD knows that you love her.

Namechange1571 Thu 02-Feb-17 10:12:28

Thank you all for your lovely replies. I am feeling a little bit better now. Excited to see DSD tomorrow. DP has said he wants to apologise to her too so I don't know if it's better to have that conversation together or separately. confused I think she'll be okay but we still need to have that chat

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