PND? Grief?

[Bearberry]

Just wanted to get perspective on how I'm feeling, if I can actually articulate it, that is.

Not sure if this is totally 'normal' or grief related or PND or what...

In a nutshell I just feel really overwhelmed by my emotions, specifically sadness and anger.

I have a 9m old DD and have had a pretty intense couple of years. My first DD was unplanned and terribly sadly was still born in April 2015. The birth was very traumatic (I delivered her at home, alone, in the middle of the night after being turned away from the hospital with stretching pains which were in fact contractions).We then got pregnant intentionally only 3 months later and had my DD2 April 2016. During my pregnancy I did have 10 weeks of bereavement counselling but I spent much of the pregnancy anxious and trying to bury my head in the sand, constantly expecting the worst. During my second pregnancy my Grandad who I was extremely close to became very ill over the course of a few months and died when I was 8 months gone. I spent much of my pregnancy traveling back and forth 200 miles to see him and it was a surreal and dreadful experience watching him fade away as I grew this new life. Since his death dealing with the estate and his will has caused a massive fall out and divide in my family which has been extremely hurtful and rumbled on for nearly a year now, with probate still not sorted.Since I've had my daughter I've also lost a family pet in unexpected and shocking circumstances and gone through a really stressful house purchase. I also got married at the beginning of this second pregnancy. Sorry for the rambling but it feels necessary to explain what an intense 2 years I've had.

Anyway, to present day. I feel strange. Overly emotional,desperately sad, frequently angry at everything and nothing and bizarrely disconnected from myself. I've developed this morbid fixation on the passing of time and mortality. I feel really preoccupied with life and how quickly it's passing and that, basically, we're all just moving closer to death. I rationalise that this is relating to my GD dying and my DD2 being born and everyone 'moving up' roles if that makes sense. I feel sad that my GD had to make space for DD. I feel overwhelmed by how fast DD2 is growing and like I can't grab hold of a moment and feel it, live in it - which is all I want. I feel I can't enjoy her because it's going so fast and I'm losing her and I can't keep up. I know this doesn't make sense. I feel very scared that she will die. This isn't a clear fear, that she will get ill etc just more like I'm on a constant countdown to losing her which makes me feel very sad and anxious. I'm crying everyday.

I'm due back at work in 2 weeks and I feel beside myself. Again it's like a count down to losing her, although I keep rationalising that really I will still see her every day and all will be fine, I can't seem to control the emotions I'm experiencing. I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I don't even myself know why.

I'm not sure if this is just normal, considering the time I've had recently and if eventually I'll adjust? It feels as though life has been this surreal rollercoaster and I'm not really living it or in control of anything. I quite frequently feel very angry too, often disproportionately so although I have had a lot of stressful issues with house purchase recently.

I do enjoy elements of my day and sometimes feel happy, but never normal. The 'happiness' feels disconnected from me sometimes like I'm watching someone on a film or is quickly tainted by this thought of 'enjoy it while you can' for example if I'm a playing with DD2.

I guess I just wanted to get some opinions on whether other people feel like this when they have a baby, or whether it is PND. I think if I was feeling like this and the grief elements weren't involved I would think I need some help. I just can't see the wood from the trees! Sleep deprivation with DD almost certainly not helping either...

Just to clarify I've felt like this since DD2 was born, if anything it's become more intense.

[littleoysterslittleoysters]

Oh my goodness! You poor poor woman. This does sound like PND to me and also PTSD mixed in. My story is not as painful as yours by any means and if you want me to share I'm happy to but I had PND and after counselling told that that I had PTSD too. You need to see your GP because the great news is that you don't have to always feel like this. You need help, you have been through SO SO much and you need counselling and probably so ADs I reckon.

If you met me in RL you would i think think I would be the last woman to be on ADs and I held off stupidly, but they have helped so much. My ds is 14months now and I think back to the months between 3-10 and I feel so much better. I had such terrible intrusive thoughts I would literally freeze with them but understanding myself through counselling and allowing myself to feel what I need to feel has helped.
You can get there. You are clearly very strong and very loved. Call your GP tomorrow?

[Bearberry]

Thank you littleoysters, such a lovely reply! So sorry to hear you've had such a hard time and it's heartening to know you're feeling much better

Yeah when I had my counselling assessment they did mention the trauma element and doing some work seperately with a different therapist on that but I kind of never got to it. My counsellor was lovely and we spread the sessions so I saw her right till then end of my pregnancy as I found being pregnant pretty terrifying. Then once DD2 arrived things got very busy. She is amazing but pretty clingy and not a great sleeper and a total boob monster so I've had no time to really process or think clearly about the situation or how to improve things. I guess I've just kept thinking I'll feel better as time passes and as the stressful situations have continued I've sort of explained away my sadness/anger/anxiety on whatever the current issue is. But I can't explain away the disconnected feeling. I just want to be able to take pleasure in my DD and my life, I have a hell of a lot to feel content with and I hate this fear and sadness taking over everything.

Think I'll brave it with the GP. Definitely not adverse to meds but not sure where I'll find the time for therapy at present!

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my rambling and for being so kind

[Beaniebeemer]

Hi Bearberry. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Your post has struck a cord with me. I don't think anyone has ever written anything like this where I have been in agreement with everything that has been written. I too lost my first daughter (stillbirth) in 2010 at 40+13. I've had two subsequent pregnancies. My grandfather who I was close to passed away when I was pregnant with my last daughter in 2013.

Where you say about having a fixation on time this is exactly how I feel. Like everyday I'm clinging on to the past. I long for the past. I'm scared I'm getting old, that everyone around me are getting old. Watching things of tv and seeing how people/celebs are getting old even.

I've definitely had/still have PND and possibly mild PTSD. I took setraline for 14 months but I didn't feel it did much apart from the initial boost when I started taking them.

I wish I knew what to suggest. I don't even know myself what to do anymore. I think as you say therapy is possibly something that may help but like you I don't really have the time available to me to do it I hope that one day I'll miraculously get better but I know realistically that won't happen.

Sorry this hasn't been much use but I just want you to know that you aren't alone x

[Hassled]

You've had such a horrendous time that if you didn't need a bit of help at this stage I'd think you must be some sort of robot. And you do need a bit of help, whether for medication or more counselling - go and talk to your GP. If it helps, cut and paste what you've written down here and bring it along. It might be PND, it might be grief, it's probably both, and I'm sorry things have been so awful.

[christinarossetti]

Your situation resonated with where I was about 7 years ago.

You're still in the thick of grief and trauma about your first baby and it's so hard to think straight when you haven't a moment to yourself.

It's more complex than pnd, but that's a definite strand from what you've said.

Please do go and see your GP. Going back to work is a huge thing, and it does sound as if you need more support than you currently have at the moment.