Just wanted to get perspective on how I'm feeling, if I can actually articulate it, that is.
Not sure if this is totally 'normal' or grief related or PND or what...
In a nutshell I just feel really overwhelmed by my emotions, specifically sadness and anger.
I have a 9m old DD and have had a pretty intense couple of years. My first DD was unplanned and terribly sadly was still born in April 2015. The birth was very traumatic (I delivered her at home, alone, in the middle of the night after being turned away from the hospital with stretching pains which were in fact contractions).We then got pregnant intentionally only 3 months later and had my DD2 April 2016. During my pregnancy I did have 10 weeks of bereavement counselling but I spent much of the pregnancy anxious and trying to bury my head in the sand, constantly expecting the worst. During my second pregnancy my Grandad who I was extremely close to became very ill over the course of a few months and died when I was 8 months gone. I spent much of my pregnancy traveling back and forth 200 miles to see him and it was a surreal and dreadful experience watching him fade away as I grew this new life. Since his death dealing with the estate and his will has caused a massive fall out and divide in my family which has been extremely hurtful and rumbled on for nearly a year now, with probate still not sorted.Since I've had my daughter I've also lost a family pet in unexpected and shocking circumstances and gone through a really stressful house purchase. I also got married at the beginning of this second pregnancy. Sorry for the rambling but it feels necessary to explain what an intense 2 years I've had.
Anyway, to present day. I feel strange. Overly emotional,desperately sad, frequently angry at everything and nothing and bizarrely disconnected from myself. I've developed this morbid fixation on the passing of time and mortality. I feel really preoccupied with life and how quickly it's passing and that, basically, we're all just moving closer to death. I rationalise that this is relating to my GD dying and my DD2 being born and everyone 'moving up' roles if that makes sense. I feel sad that my GD had to make space for DD. I feel overwhelmed by how fast DD2 is growing and like I can't grab hold of a moment and feel it, live in it - which is all I want. I feel I can't enjoy her because it's going so fast and I'm losing her and I can't keep up. I know this doesn't make sense. I feel very scared that she will die. This isn't a clear fear, that she will get ill etc just more like I'm on a constant countdown to losing her which makes me feel very sad and anxious. I'm crying everyday.
I'm due back at work in 2 weeks and I feel beside myself. Again it's like a count down to losing her, although I keep rationalising that really I will still see her every day and all will be fine, I can't seem to control the emotions I'm experiencing. I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I don't even myself know why.
I'm not sure if this is just normal, considering the time I've had recently and if eventually I'll adjust? It feels as though life has been this surreal rollercoaster and I'm not really living it or in control of anything. I quite frequently feel very angry too, often disproportionately so although I have had a lot of stressful issues with house purchase recently.
I do enjoy elements of my day and sometimes feel happy, but never normal. The 'happiness' feels disconnected from me sometimes like I'm watching someone on a film or is quickly tainted by this thought of 'enjoy it while you can' for example if I'm a playing with DD2.
I guess I just wanted to get some opinions on whether other people feel like this when they have a baby, or whether it is PND. I think if I was feeling like this and the grief elements weren't involved I would think I need some help. I just can't see the wood from the trees! Sleep deprivation with DD almost certainly not helping either...
Just to clarify I've felt like this since DD2 was born, if anything it's become more intense.
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Mental health
PND? Grief?
5 replies
Bearberry · 26/01/2017 19:20
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