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Self help "do things that you enjoy"

(9 Posts)
Ifonly4oneday Thu 26-Jan-17 04:52:08

Hi everyone. I am writing to ask your opinion on how you feel about the advice of "do things that you enjoy"
So in my life at present, I am a mother of two gorgeous little boys and live with my DP of 6.5 years. I am a F/T student in my 30's.
I was brought up with loving parents that enjoyed the quiet life and still do. I have never been comfortable in groups of people, which is why I was moved schools in result of being mentally bullied (kids can be horrible.)
I've grown up had and lost touch with many friends, been in many relationships but I feel more settled and living the quiet life.
I am in a very bad habit of rejecting invitations, avoiding toddler groups and meetings, disengaging from friends!
Self help books tell us to "do things that you enjoy" but in my head, I would enjoy being at home because the thought of attending any of the above terrifies me so the "do things that you enjoy" happens more and more to the point that I'm missing out on so much and so are my kids and my partner and I. So how do I start to enjoy the above things so I can start to practise "do things that you enjoy" and feel like it's benefiting me somehow?

OldBooks Thu 26-Jan-17 05:45:38

Why does doing something you enjoy jave to involve going out to groups or socialising? If someone came and took away DC for a few hours and told me to do something I enjoy I would sleep do some crafting or embroidery, listen to music, read, bake or cook a new recipe, or do gardening. If I could felt like going out I might go for a country park walk, go to a museum, see a film or go swimming.

OldBooks Thu 26-Jan-17 05:51:42

Sorry to answer your question I think the ossue of you being terrified to attend social groups is a totally different one and you might need to look at resources about overcoming social anxiety. For me I had to take a 'feel the fear and do it anyway' approach and force myself to attend baby groups. Maybe start small with a coffee with a good friend? Sometimes the fear beforehand turns out worse than the actual event once you get there. It's that initial push to actually get out the door that is hardest

Tootsiepops Thu 26-Jan-17 06:06:32

Do you actively want to go to toddler groups etc? But feel too anxious to actually go? If that's the case, then I agree with oldbooks - it sounds like social anxiety.

However, if it's just that you're an introvert and would rather stick forks in your eyeballs than be in a large social settings because you find them draining, then they're just not for you.

The problem occurs when you torture yourself because you think you should be enjoying these sorts of things, but if you're an introvert, then it's just hell on earth.

Ifonly4oneday Thu 26-Jan-17 06:53:26

Thank you for your replies, that's a good point Old Books, I personally like going to the gym and having spa days and eating in restaurants and when motivated I enjoy walking. I think it is social anxiety also 😩.
And tootsie, yes I think I am an introvert, 😩 I suppose maybe I am trying to find out how I can change what I am!! I really need to get out there, for my kids xx

Ifonly4oneday Thu 26-Jan-17 07:21:41

Sorry I think I got mixed up, I'm not an introvert, I like the idea of going to things but freak out and don't go, so that's more social anxiety??? This can be fixed?? 😞Xx

OldBooks Thu 26-Jan-17 08:01:52

If you want to go but get scared about going that would be social anxiety. Can you explain what it is that freaks you put? What do you think will happen?

I have struggled with low self esteem and worried that people would be judging me for all the things I judge myself for iyswim? So I think I am fat and frumpy and say stupid things so I think people must be looking at me and saying 'god look at that badly dressed woman, she could do with losing weight, & what a load of crap she is saying'. Of course people are too worried about their own stuff to be judging you like that!

Do you experience anxiety in other areas of life? I am taking meds for anxiety and they are a godsend, I feel brave enough to go out and meet new people. The DC are a great ice breaker though, if you don't know how to start chatting to someone ask about their DC. Another way I found to start a conversation is to compliment something eg 'I love that bag, I have been looking for one like that'

Do you have a friend who could go with you to a group to give you moral support?

Ifonly4oneday Thu 26-Jan-17 09:01:47

Thank you, like you say, I have a tendency to worry about how people look at me, and sometimes feel I don't know what to say. I have attended toddler groups and it's been good but then on a bad day I just can't face it. Yes I really need to get into my head that people aren't out to judge me.

I never go to the playgroup meetings as feel I don't have any good ideas. It feel this would help if I went and got to know the other mums. I suppose I just need a nudge. I have friends but most of them without kids or older kids. I always wonder how people find it so easy to make new friends?

I have been on medications over the years but the dr told me he thinks it's all in my head and I should prepare to come off them.? I stopped taking them and had terrible side effects e.g. Dizzieness and sore heads, it was awful.

I have seen counsellors too and that helped a bit but only for a short time. Aaaaa.

I have a tendency also to feel guilty towards my kids and beat my self up about it, it's a vicious circle.

I am glad that you have overcome your fears with the mess you are on, 😃👍 xx

Ifonly4oneday Thu 26-Jan-17 09:03:05

I meant meds, sorry

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