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I've fucked my life up. Can't bring myself to start dealing with it.

(131 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Flowersandcats Mon 23-Jan-17 11:33:30

Sorry if this OP is a bit all over the place. My biggest issue is that I am not acknowledging what is happening so it is difficult to put it into words.

I am an alcoholic and I have MH issues. Over the last few years my life has been falling apart. I haven't worked in months. I am thousands of pounds in debt. Massively behind with my mortgage. I owe money to everyone. I have borrowed money from my parents. I lie. I lie about everything. To the point that I feel like I'm not sure what's true any more.

I haven't opened any post in weeks. It's an external mail box, I haven't even looked in there since the new year. There are probably court summons in there.

I can't face dealing with it. Like if I don't acknowledge it then none of this is happening.

I bought a whole bunch of painkillers recently. Bought from five different shops so that I could get round the "one box only" thing. I don't plan to take them right now but they're here in the house.

I'm not doing anything to address anything. I had a counsellor but I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. Couldn't face leaving the house. Although she did suggest that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I fantasise about being imprisoned or hospitalised so that all power and control will be removed from me and I won't have to have to make any decisions any more. (I appreciate that this isn't how it works.)

Most people don't know. I was out with friends on Saturday (not drinking). I am sure that they would have thought everything is fine.

I don't know what I want from this post. I posted a few months ago under a different username and I haven't done anything to deal with it since. Things are worse.

Ohnowattsthis Mon 23-Jan-17 11:39:59

You know what? You are starting to deal with it! You just faced it all to write it down here. I'm sure someone will be more useful but I just wanted to add my support to you today .

BifsWif Mon 23-Jan-17 11:41:15

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, it can be dealt with, you know it can, but you need to face up to it.

First of all, visit your GP. Is there a local AA meeting you can attend? I would ring your mortgage provider, you need to deal with your arrears as a priority.

Please also call the samaritans, they will be able to help you. Call now flowers

AnnieAnoniMouse Mon 23-Jan-17 11:42:17

That sounds very overwhelming 💐

But there are people that can help you & we can help you.

Why did you namechange from last time? Reading your previous posts might help us get a better idea of how to help you. But if you don't want to reveal your previous name that's ok.

Is there anyone at all you can confide in? Someone who is physically able to be there and help you (unlike nternet help)?

notagiraffe Mon 23-Jan-17 11:44:40

You've just described chronic depression. Please go to your GP and ask for proper help. Be honest about your stockpiling drugs and not opening what might be debt court summonses. Don't underplay your symptoms. You don't need to be fobbed off with ADs but offered an immediate transferral to a psych ward or rehab placement.

From there, there should be some key workers who can help sort out the other problems that have built up due to the depression. It's impossible to tackle all this alone. You need plenty of support, immediately.

But, knowing that in real life places on psych wards don't just surface when you need them, is there anyone who could get you through phoning AA and CAB and accompany you to the door of the first meetings with both to try and unpick the main problems you describe?

Meanwhile, please try and remind yourself you are NOT the only person to have screwed up like this. There wouldn't be official forms for debt summonses if there weren't enough people to make them worthwhile. That's why there's rules on how many Paracetamol we're allowed to buy, and it's why AA and CAB exist. What I mean is - what you are going through is human and a very tough version of normal. It's not because you are a weird, unreachable failure in a unique form all of your own. It is possible to come through the other side. Plenty of people have and you can too.


Flowersandcats Mon 23-Jan-17 11:53:26

Thank you for responding. Bif, your list of things to do is a bit overwhelming.

I don't know what to do first. Or I use that as an excuse. Like, I should open my post but my phone is broken so even if I open my post, what steps can I take?

I have been to the GP before. I have had depression since I was a teenager. I'm sure I have 'managed' my depression in the past (that's the narrative I have in my head but tbh the "true" history feels as unreal in my head as all the shit I have lied about or daydreamed. I really don't know who I am.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 23-Jan-17 11:54:23

Written down, it may look bleak BUT you have taken a massive step telling us here and when you break it all down into individual issues, they can all be dealt with. It wont be easy but you need to try, a step at time. Can you now tell someone in rl? Please see your gp and then speak to a supportive friend or family member. flowers

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 23-Jan-17 11:57:31

Xpost, yes it is overwhelming but that is why you need to be honest with everyone and get more help. A good friend could get through the post with you, or go with you to the gp. I really feel for you, depression is a bastard.

user1477282676 Mon 23-Jan-17 12:00:31

Is there anyone you trust to confide in? You only need to say "I've got out of control with my finances and can't face opening my mail...can you come and help me?"

The picture will come clear as you do it together. There's ALWAYS a way out OP....I promise you. The way you feel now, is far worse than the way you will feel having faced the post.

KatherineMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 23-Jan-17 12:00:46

Hello Flowersandcats, we're so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Very best wishes from all MNHQ, Flowersandcats flowers

Flowersandcats Mon 23-Jan-17 12:03:58

I can't face telling my parents. They have supported me so much throughout my life and lent me so much money and I have repeatedly lied to them. Massive fucking lies. If they knew what I had done and posted about it here, people would advise them to go NC. They know I'm an alcoholic but think I haven't had a drink in years.

Plus, they would try to fix it. Get involved. And I think I've allowed that to happen too much before. Not blaming them at all, they are wonderful people but when people use the term "enabler", it's something like that. Like if they left me to hit rock bottom before, I might not be in this position now. Which again sounds like I'm blaming them. I might well be dead without their previous support.

I'm not explaining myself properly. Sorry. All that about my parents was sort of in response to PP's previous question about someone in RL helping.

dowhatnow Mon 23-Jan-17 12:08:47

Print this out and show your GP.

ImperialBlether Mon 23-Jan-17 12:11:51

My friend's husband works as a volunteer for a church charity (can find out the details if you like) where they help people sort out their finances. Often people bring in a big box of unopened envelopes and he goes through everything. Sometimes the answer is bankruptcy and there's a massive relief when that happens. Other times he'll contact the companies and ask them if you can make very low payments. What people like is that someone is helping them sort everything out. Would that sort of thing help you?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 23-Jan-17 12:14:34

OP, start one small step at a time. Don't give yourself a never ending list today, as that will overwhelm you and be really unhelpful.

Try to sort out one thing today, so that you feel as though you have achieved something positive with your day. Even if it's only finding out the post from your mortgage provider & writing to them to ask whether a repayment plan for your arrears is possible (e-mailing would be preferable as it will be received more quickly). As you start to deal with things, you will hopefully feel as though the weight of those things is being lifted from your shoulders. Even if the mortgage situation is as dire as you think it will be and they have already applied to Court, knowing that for sure is better than the uncertainty of worrying. At least it gives you something to work with.

In terms of your alcohol addiction and depression, you really do need professional help. Unless you already have a support worker, I would start with your GP as urgently as possible.

Best of luck flowers.

MistressMaisie Mon 23-Jan-17 12:19:04

There are charities that provide support for people with drink problems. Addaction is one I think, there are others but it probably depends where you live. Google to see what is in your area or try looking at the library.

myfavouritecolourispurple Mon 23-Jan-17 12:19:37

OP - please contact your parents. Do you think they'd rather be cross with you but have the chance to help - or find you dead or injured after an overdose.

I suspect that in most cases of suicide, people say they would have helped if only they had known. If you don't tell them they can't know.

Go to your GP. But make your parents or another relative a close second. Don't lock people out because you're worried about their reaction.

TENSHI Mon 23-Jan-17 12:22:14

Please tell your parents this. Or write it down and give it/send it to them. They love you and if this is what my dd had done and was feeling do you think I'd slam the door/go nc?

Tell them your fears.

If you took those painkillers your parents would never forgive themselves.

If you are the same person I think you are then you will first acknowledge your position which you have done here which is the first step and MNers will gradually be able to coax you to take baby steps in the right direction. .
You did it before and you can do it again. You need to contact your parents op.

Good luck x

blueskyinmarch Mon 23-Jan-17 12:23:38

Well done OP. well done for taking the first step of writing down the things that holding you back and dragging you down. You will get lots and lots of advice on here but i can see that it may be overwhelming to try and think of too many things at once. How about choosing one thing to tackle. Maybe go and see what is in the mail box? One step at a time and we can help you every step of the way.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN Mon 23-Jan-17 12:26:51

For the debt call one of the government backed debt help lines. They can take you on and contact all the people you owe money to. They won't judge.

they can write to them all and help you work out a small amount you have each month to pay them and they pay your creditors.

The depression, alcohol and emotional stuff you will need to talk to your GP.

And forgive yourself, it's really hard to face up to this stuff but people can and do overcome this sort of stuff all of the time, they are no different to you.

Flowersandcats Mon 23-Jan-17 12:31:46

Thank you everybody for replying. It's helping. Reading your responses is keeping me focused so I'm not just drifting off into some daydreamy alternative reality version of my life or losing myself in internet browsing/tv watching etc like I usually do.

Blueskyinmarch, I have brought in my post. I haven't opened any of it. There are 16 letters. If there were court summons, would it say so on the outside of the envelope? TV license letter had something on it which made it sound like a court summons. It still took me a week to open it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 23-Jan-17 12:33:53

Hello OP, you're very brave coming back, I honestly think you are now ready for some help. I too believe that your parents are the people you should turn to, how about speaking to just one of them, to pave the way.
Don't overload your mind, try small steps. If you just have one person to confide in, your problems will immediately be halved. You have to do this, you won't regret it.
I'm offering you a warm hand hold OP, come on now, you can do this. We are all here to continually support you, and one day, you will in return, be able to offer your knowledge, to help someone else. 💐

Flowersandcats Mon 23-Jan-17 12:41:23

And sorry if I'm wasting people's time. I have started down all these various routes so many times and then failed to follow it through because I'm a fuckwit.

I have contacted Stepchange but they need you to give them a precise figure of the debt you owe. They email you a form to be completed. I don't know how much I owe. I'm not even opening my post.

I have this attitude of "just get through the day". Not in a healthy way. In a minimise/pretend/lie way just so that I don't have to face up to actual real shit today.

Example of this is that when credit card company contacted me recently about outstanding debt, I told them I was dealing with Stepchange and would contact them shortly regarding a proposal to sort it. They accepted this and said they would put a hold on the account for 30 days. As far as I was concerned, that's the issue dealt with. I can't visualise 30 days in the future. I can't visualise 7 days in the future.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN Mon 23-Jan-17 12:42:20

Do you have anyone you can trust who can come over and open your post?

Daisymclazy Mon 23-Jan-17 12:44:54

Bluesky, I have been in a similar position with finances. I went to the CAB and a lovely man went through my huge carrier bag of unopened post with me, didn't solve my problems but was a HUGE relief. Wishing you all the best. Not sure my way of dealing with it all was the right way but please pm me if you want to. flowers

EddieHitler Mon 23-Jan-17 12:47:40

You know you have to tell your parents, otherwise you'll carry this around with you forever. I would hate to think my children were struggling like this and didn't tell me. Please go and tell them everything, make this the start of you being completely honest with them. Tell them you're trying to fix it yourself.

Then start fixing it. Start with calling Stepchange, they are amazing, they can really help you with your finances, but again, you have to be entirely honest, tell them everything. It's embarrassing and it leaves you feeling vulnerable, but you need to get this sorted.

And as everyone is saying above, please speak to the Samaritans, and definitely get in touch with your GP and AA (and your counsellor!) you know you can't move forward without sorting your depression and alcoholism. It's obviously going to be hard work and you're the only one who can do it, but you're currently on the bottom, so the only way is up from here. flowers

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