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Need help but scared to ask

(27 Posts)
nixnjj Tue 17-Jan-17 18:27:32

Title says it all really. I'm really struggling and know I need to ask for help but am scared in case it triggers social services. I missed a doctor appointment in December, just couldn't leave the house, I did ask if dr could call or just send a prescription to local chemist. Didn't happen so am now to scared to ring them, so no ads and spiralling. Boilers broken so no hot water again to scared to call or email landlord.

I know a lady who would be happy to come round for a cup of tea and a chat and if I told her she would make the calls and probably be able to suggest and access any other help and support I need, but the house is a tip, the Xmas tree is half dismantled, it's cluttered and dusty, my bedroom is a dumping ground and have clean clothes either on the stairs or a chair in the living room. I do mean everyday to make a start but after I've got my son to school in the morning I just freak out and end up hiding in bed in order to have the energy to deal with him after school. The clothes get washed, he has a wash in front of the fire everyday and I do my best to cook, some nights my son does it.

I know if I can get one thing sorted I'm sure the others will follow ie get ads and fear should subside, get the boiler fixed and the house won't be so cold so putting clothes away, washing up everyday will be easier, but and the big but is if I ask this lady for help will she get Social services involved. The rational part of me says I have to do this but if I loose my son I would lose my reason for living.

Please tell me I'm being stupid

ICouldDieLaughing Tue 17-Jan-17 18:31:03

OP you are definitely not being stupid, sounds like it's horrible for you right now. What is the one thing you'd like to sort this week?

For you flowers

PollytheDolly Tue 17-Jan-17 18:38:27

Course you're not being silly!

Don't look at everything to do. Set a goal to do just one thing a day.

You sound very anxious and down. Have you seen your GP?
Are you sleeping ok?


nixnjj Tue 17-Jan-17 19:02:00

Thanks no not sleeping well at all. Getting the anti depressants is the most important as I know they will help. Get the phone everyday and dial the Drs but just freak out, hang up and hide. I'm useless in the cold so getting heating and hot water is also important. I do, the essentials every day, son gets to school, homework is done, he has clean clothes and is fed. He is loved and listened to. On a good day washing up is done and house is hoovered but good days are getting less and less, goes back to needing ads. I just can't seem to make calls or leave the house. I just need someone to hold my hand in making those first steps I guess and reassuring that social services won't sweep in and take my boy. He's 12 and registered as a young carer. I did have a support worker via a charity but I think funding was cut as seeing as I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic I wasn't considered needy enough. Also when he was at primary school the home/school worker was avaliable and now w he's in secondary that help has also gone.

Ilovecaindingle Tue 17-Jan-17 19:06:40

Ask your ds to ring the lady who will supply you with friendly chat. It's a step in the right direction. . Remember she will be wanting to see you not how tidy your home is. Write yourself a timetable with a single task on each day. Tick it off when you have done it - every tick is proof that you are making small steps - you sound lovely and the lady who calls round is lucky to share your company!

PollytheDolly Tue 17-Jan-17 19:10:14

No family or friends nearby at all? You definitely need someone to just help you get out of the house and make the first step getting to the GP.

Sounds like your actually doing better than you think. Your DS is being loved and fed and listened to. That's more important than hoovering. Remember that and build on it. X

GlitterGlue Tue 17-Jan-17 19:29:33

You poor thing. Please contact that woman. Honestly, the threshold for removing a child is very high. Even if social services were to get involved they'd want to put more support in place, not rush in to remove your child.

Can you manage to copy and paste an email to your landlord? Or text him/her.

Dear landlord,

Unfortunately the boiler is not working and we do not have any hot water or heating. Please would you arrange for a gas engineer to visit to repair it.

Please would you ask them to contact me by text on (telephone number) to arrange a time to visit.

Kind regards,

Your name

ICouldDieLaughing Tue 17-Jan-17 19:43:22

What are you scared of when you call the surgery?

MusterTheRohirim Tue 17-Jan-17 19:54:13

Admittedly I don't know much about it, but it seems unlikely SS would take your son because you're having a tough time. You're ill and you need some support, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're not being stupid but I do think your depression might be giving you irrational thoughts (I get that too).

The lady who could help you would probably want you to call. I know I would, and I wouldn't give a shit about what state your house is in, really! You sound like you really need to see your GP, they wouldn't want you to struggle away when they can help.

Asking for help seems scary right now, but just think how different things could be. We can cheer you on if you like! I very much hope you can take that step and things improve for you soon.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:59:54

SS will not take your son. They will not even be interested.

However if you make the call for anyone please do it for your son, he deserves to see you being the best you can be; you need to show him what to do when the chips are down - take that baby step tomorrow.

Even give him a note to give his teacher? Asking them to call you.

Don't give in to anxiety - you can beat it

HyacinthsBucket Tue 17-Jan-17 20:07:38

Please get your son to ring this lady - you need help, and it isn't fair on your son to live in a home with no heating or hot water and could be classed as neglecting him if you don't take action. You need your meds, and you are feeling at rock bottom because you have withdrawn from them which isn't good for you. There is a way out, but you have to reach out and make that tiny step for things to happen. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, but you have a son that depends on you/looks up to you, and you need to be better for him flowers as well as yourself.

nixnjj Tue 17-Jan-17 22:23:12

Thanks, you're all right. I will call the nice lady tomorrow, even if I just sob and ask her to visit it will be a step in the right direction. I think my fear with calling Drs are receptionists are really hard and I understand how stretched the surgery is at the moment but I'm not strong enough to argue my case. The landlord is a company. I got into rent arrears, got it sorted and am all up to date now but again am scared they will want me out, silly I know as they moved me in 11 years ago after police were involved due to DV from child's dad, the person who lived here before was here for 10 years so no redecorating when she left so carpets at least 20 years old, same as kitchen and paintwork etc. Would cost the a fortune to get it up to a decent standard.

No family to speak of and very few friends who I could ask for help. I do have one who would help me get the house in order, she deals with her issues my cleaning, whereas I just go numb.

I will make a plan of action.

Thanks for helping me see things clearer

MusterTheRohirim Wed 18-Jan-17 07:33:53

Sending strength nixnjj I hope it's a very positive day for you. You can do it flowers

SandysMam Wed 18-Jan-17 07:48:32

You are doing a fantastic job with your son, if you were failing him he wouldn't be at school and all the other things you mentioned.
I work closely with social services and I promise, they will not be interested in taking your son from what you've described. Not one bit.

Can your cleanaholic friend come and help you out? Text and say you can't manage the Christmas tree alone and lure her in, then let her get on with it! I'm sure she would love to get her hands on it all and it will give her as much pleasure as it does you!

Write a letter to the agents re the boiler and post on the way to school. A few lines as per the email above will do.

Equally, write a letter to the GP and post, saying you need a repeat prescription for your AD's and how you feel. Label it urgent and I'm sure you will become a priority.

If you can just take a few small steps it will be like a domino effect and slowly you will get sorted and feel better. January sucks arse anyway and spring will come.

As your nice lady for help too, don't forget people gain a lot of pleasure from helping those in need, it gives their life purpose so by letting people help you, you will be helping them.

Keep talking on this thread if you can xx

nixnjj Wed 18-Jan-17 14:15:06

I've call the nice lady and she's on her way. Am in tears already

SandysMam Wed 18-Jan-17 14:24:31

Well done!! You can do this, stay strong and just be as honest as you can with her, whoever she is (I have visions of Mary Poppins grin).
You should be so proud of are doing this to make things better for your son.

nixnjj Wed 18-Jan-17 15:36:46

She gave me a hug when she walked in and I justed sobbed like a baby and showed her this thread. She called my doctors who said they had just had a cancellation for my doctor for 9am tomorrow so she is coming to pick me up and come with me. Normally you have to wait 3or 4 weeks so someone is smiling at me. She then rang my landlord and they are sending someone to look at my boiler on Friday. She laughed when I said about the state of the house and pointed out that washing drying and piles of clean clothes was a positive and a couple of dirty pots and plates showed I was feeding my lad and that the fact that the clutter was mainly toys and and Xmas stuff wasn't a sign of neglect. She has asked the landlord to contact her re boiler etc and she will point out that carpets, kitchen and bathroom all haven't been replaced in 20 years and will see if she can persuade them to update the house a bit, in her words my house is more tatty than filthy. My head is spinning but I feel much lighter and a little more positive she has also offered than when I'm ready if I want a cleaning party she can arrange it.

Thanks again for all the support.You guys gave me the strength to take that first step.

ICouldDieLaughing Wed 18-Jan-17 17:51:38

Well done! You should feel really proud of yourself. Let us know how you get on at the docs. You're halfway there!!! flowers

HyacinthsBucket Wed 18-Jan-17 19:42:04

Well done - such a positive step. You should be really proud of yourself flowers

nixnjj Thu 19-Jan-17 11:02:23

Well got to the doctors, panic attacks started at 3am but having the lovely lady pick me up was a godsend, got through the wait by chatting inane drivel to her. She even came in to see dr with me. Been prescribed sertranline which I've had before, horrendous side effects but know after a few weeks my thinking will be clearer and he's given me stuff for the migraines and sickness and I know if I take them at night it's easier. Bad new is my doctor is leaving but he has booked me in with a different doctor who is apparently very good with mental health and works from the local surgery which is 10 minutes from my house, the lovely lady has said she will call me before appointment and if I want her to take me she will. She even took me to the local,shop so,I could top up my gas and electricity. Got her a box of chocolates and some flowers as a thank you.

Have a few jobs to do on my list, washing machine is on but feel totally drained so am going to lie on the sofa and listen to some meditation.

Baby steps and domino effect is my mantra at the moment so hoping I can update later that I have cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. Have the man coming to check out the boiler tomorrow so that's a real incentive to get it done as I imagine he will do the yearly gas check too.

GlitterGlue Thu 19-Jan-17 13:26:25

Go you! You've achieved so much in such a short time.

I think baby steps and rest time sounds just what you need.

nixnjj Thu 19-Jan-17 21:04:06

Well washing is drying, kitchen is acceptable, bathroom has been bleached and anti depressant taken. A friend has put a very brave post up on Facebook about her struggles and I've made an honest reply. I'm considering putting a post up about my struggles and admitting as to how lonely and isolated I feel but not sure if it's the right thing to do.

nixnjj Fri 20-Jan-17 08:12:53

Took 50mg sertranline last night managed 3hrs sleep and no nightmares which is good but woke up at 3am and spent all night feeling sick. Got the man coming to look at the boiler today so having panic attacks about that, just want to hide in bed, but can't so will try and do some competitions instead. Haven't done that Facebook post but did have a nice chat with a friend who has said she will come and help me sort house when I feel upto it as she loves cleaning.

Lazybeans50 Fri 20-Jan-17 08:51:07

I'm so pleased you called the lovely lady and what a lovely lady she is! And accept the kind offer of support from your friend as well. We all need a bit of help sometimes. Just remember you don't need to do everything at once. Focus on the wellbeing of you and your DS. The clutter can wait. flowers

SandysMam Fri 20-Jan-17 12:37:29

Hope the boiler visit goes/went ok!

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