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Would you be able to help me?(16 Posts)
Every time I encounter challenges in life I wish they'd never happened. I can think of examples at work (secondary teacher), having my children, and now we just recently got a dog. I worry all the time I won't cope. I've seen a counsellor twice and she is totally lovely. I have supportive friends, and a retired friend who will walk the dog when I have later evenings at school, if she's available but my cleaner would probably walk the dog if I was ever stuck, and I am planning to touch base with a dog walker soon for those situations.
I know I sound really lucky. I have a husband who will walk the dog every morning, 99% of the time.
But my resilience is low. Whenever I have a challenge I get huge feelings of dread and think/assume I won't cope, or can't cope. I'm a worrier. I worry about having a dog and making my sons' commitments, such as karate and Beavers.
When you worry, what do you do? Can you help me? It's starting to be hard to bear. What I'd like to do, although I wouldn't, it end it all. I can't run away because everything at home hinges on me. But everything seems like such hard work all of the time and I don't feel happy although I have happy moments. I think of the rest and lack of worry that death would offer, and it is tempting. But at the same time I wouldn't necessarily class myself as suicidal.
The counsellor is lovely and she says my worries are all normal worries. I haven't told her that death - feeling and being nothing - is tempting because she's a problem solver and positive. It's hard not to be when I'm with her.
Is anyone the same? Have you got any tips for building my resilience? I'd rather not take medication. Thank you.
Medication has its place and I've used it several times to get me through difficult patches. I've also found councelling helpful in the past too, but what has made the biggest difference for me is nlp (neurolinguistic programming). I also find meditation and mindfulness helpful and have recently been introduced to a guided relaxation track called the golden core by nlp in the northwest that both myself and DH are finding really helpful, you can download it from the website.
Thank you - shall I just google 'golden core nlp'?
Do you find meditation just something else to do? At the moment I'm totally bogged down in doing things and ticking things off my mental list. I got a yoga mat for Christmas, although I haven't used it yet.
TBH, I think most people feel the same when faced with something new, or a challenge. You're not unusual in that. However some people are better at hiding it or coping with that feeling.
Maybe knowing lots of us feel the same will help you cope better yourself?
I think it would! Do you really feel like I have described?
When I had cbt she suggested having a set worry time every day. Whenever a worry entered my head I would mentally note it but not give it headspace at the time. Then for my allocated half hour I could worry to my anxious hearts content. That's the idea anyway.
Also a worry tree of whether it's something I can do something about, right now or later and doing what I can do.
Have you ever actually not coped, examples of not coping, truly not coping? Someone asked me that, and usually I end up coping even though I often might think for myself that I surely won't... Can you push those thoughts away? If you worry a lot, then decide that over the week-end you don't feed those thoughts, and that you can push it until Monday and deal with the worry then. Also about being bogged down, maybe you've set too many targets to achieve and need to be more relaxed about various "obligations" that, in reality, aren't all that important. I also have a yoga mat I haven't used much, btw. Soon, soon...
While it's not uncommon to feel anxious, and worried you may not cope in the situations you describe (I do myself), it's not usual to feel that death would be a solution. I think you should seriously consider medication - the right one can make a huge difference.
Also if you don't feel able to share these feelings with your counsellor because you don't want to not seem positive, she may not be the right one for you, however lovely, and someone with a different approach might suit you better.
Agree with PP its not normal to be considering death as an option, and I would definately reconsider medication in this situation. Also agree that if you don't feel able to talk to your councellor about this then maybe she's not the right one for you. Having said that I understand the level of trust needed to discuss these kinds of feelings, for example it took me a long time to build up to talking about my urges to self harm with CPN and councellor, I still don't have that kind of relationship with my GP, although I would tell her if she bothered to ask...
For me the meditation is my new years resolution at least 10 mins per day because I noticed such a big difference on the days I meditated before work.I have now built it into my routine in the same way as getting a shower and having breakfast.
You should find that track if you google nlp and golden core, I'm not sure how to do links on here, sorry.
Thank you so much for your replies. I'm going to try the worry time, and I keep on meaning to meditate but right now I just don't have the self discipline in the morning. I haven't thought of death as the solution today... the dog seems calmer too. Do you just feel like you want to hide from responsibilities sometimes? Because it's not so much I want to die, I think it's coping with everything and wanting to hide away and pretend nothing is happening.
I do tend to cope well if I'm honest. I just get very frightened when more gets put on my plate. I get frightened I can't cope.
A bit if tough love coming down the road... so don't be offended...
But I suspect you have life too easy. You have never been challenged or taken outside of your comfort zone. As a result you have little idea of just how much you can do... and you fall back into worrying about little things and imagining you can't cope.
If this the case the more you think you can't cope and rely on not doing anything you haven't done before, the more you will do less and less until you can't do anything and become locked inot a small world of worry.
That's the easy bit. The hard bit is how to address it. You know inside yourself what you need to do. You need to believe in yourself, but you don't believe that you can.
Can I offer a bit of experience? A few years ago we sailed our little boat down the Channel and across the Bay of Biscay (twice). For my DP it really was a step into the unknown. Out of sight of land in deep ocean is a very scary place. Dealing with tiredness and knowing your decisions can kill you but learning you can make good choices and keep going changed her for ever. .. for the better. Now I am not suggesting you have to buy a boat (though boating is great fun) but that doing something outside normal life teaches you just how strong you really are. Pick on something you have fancied and do it.
You are completely right Itsnoteasybeingdiffe
Do you think the dog could be a bit like your boat? How do I begin believing in myself? Just keep on saying it to myself? Being positive?
Get outside your comfort zone.
Run a marathon, go hill walking and camping, walk the SW path, or similar, Join a local team, hocky, footie, basketball... Even try sailing. Learn a musical instrument, build an extension on the house. Join a dramatic soceity and get on stage...
Anytning that forces you to do something when you could otherwise do nothing.
Sorry but I forgot to say that having an easy life is something to be thankfull for and nothing to be ashamed of.
I honestly do think that everyone worries, and that some people hide it better.
I worry all the time. About work, money, the DDs, my marriage, housework, being late......
However, I just "get on". If it happens, it happens.
It's taken a long time to get to accept that though (and that "it" doesn't usually happen).
Thank you :-) You're right I know deep down: 'it' doesn't happen.
On a plus - I am feeling an awful lot better, not sure why but there we go! Xx
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