Breaking Down

[GerardNoWay]

I feel like I am losing it tonight.

I have previously self harmed and feel like I am back there. I have no outlet for the anger and the pain I am feeling. It feels like there is this rot inside me that will never, ever go away. I feel like I will always be damaged and self destructive. Nothing that I do, all the self improvement and planning and organising doesn't seem to change how I feel inside.

I don't know how to get past this. I genuinely think I may do something stupid tonight. I don't know who to reach out to or how to open out and admit that something is wrong with me.

[Testificateman]

I'm here. Tell me a bit about yourself.
What age group are you in? Is there something in your life that has triggered all of this? Do you have someone in your life?

[GerardNoWay]

Thank you.

I'm 26. Have a 1 year old DD and OH. My OH is supportive but he doesn't understand. I feel so incredibly damaged and my default is self destruct.

All of this stems from sexual abuse that happened between the ages of 11 and 16. It's left a darkness inside me and I've tried so hard to push it down and forget but I can't escape it. I feel like nothing will ever make it go away.

[Rubyslippers7780]

Here too
Do you know what has triggered this? Is there anyone in RL you can call to come and sit with you?
Please phone the samaratins to talk to a real voice, they are really helpful and non judgemental.

[Rubyslippers7780]

Sorry cross post.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
Have you ever received counselling for the abuse?

[WriterNeedsHelp2017]

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You have a child who loves you so much and you have the chance to make her life so wonderful. Your partner, too, sounds lovely - it can be very hard for someone who's not gone through it to understand.

Try to get an appointment with your GP in the morning. Tell them exactly how you're feeling and ask for help.

[GerardNoWay]

No counselling for the abuse, no. I told no one about it but my OH and my two closest friends. My family don't know and I obviously never reported it or sought any help.

I had PND after having DD in Nov 2015, and received some support from a parent and baby unit. Was also on citalopram, but it seemed to sort itself out.

I don't know, it's like something has snapped and the anger and the pain and the fear is just running riot within me. I feel like I need to quieten it but I don't know how to do that safely

[Testificateman]

Dealing with sexual abuse is very hard, especially if you are trying to do it on your own. Have you had any help from your doctor? If you haven't already, you do need to sit down and talk to someone.
I'm not going to lie to you, it probably will never go away completely but, it will get a lot easier.
Before you start even thinking of silly things, think of your daughter. Think about her smile and her laughter.
The main thing that you have to remember is that, non of this is your fault. You did not deserve any of the horrible things that happened to you.
You need to be strong and think positive. You can get through this but, you will need some help.

[Rubyslippers7780]

You need to see your GP as soon as possible. The Pnd will make you feel crap anyway and you have had no professional support for the abuse you suffered. You have masked it very well but becoming a parent releases a lot of emotion.
Please get help. None of this is your fault or your doing.
Can you please make sure you are safe tonight? Is your partner with you now?

[Testificateman]

Just read your other post.
My biggest regret is that, I never reported it. It's a bit harder being a man I think to report something like this.
There is a lot of help out there for you and, like me, you might need some closure on this. Police these days take historical abuse very seriously and they can recommend the right help that you need.

[GerardNoWay]

My partner is here and is supporting me but I find it so incredibly difficult to open up and speak about it. He just wants me to be better and happy, he can't understand why I'm not happy and I think it frustrates him.

I'm not sure I am strong enough to report it and go over it with strangers. It's difficult enough with those close to me.

Thank you all so much for being here, i feel so very lost.

I will try and get to my GP in the morning. I was able to drop in to the parent and baby unit whenever but have been discharged from there when I returned to work on July.

I feel like I need a release but I don't know how or where to get it from. Historically I have binged or consumed alcohol, but I am now not drinking and I am trying to be healthier. I'm not sure how to be kind to myself. I'm not sure I deserve kindness

[Rubyslippers7780]

Of course you deserve kindness!!
You are loved. You have a baby and a partner.
you need to take care of yourself. See your GP. Get counselling. Take control.
It will never go away but I promise you it will get easier.
You are being really strong.
This will change. You will feel differently. You will be able to distance yourself from this hurt and anger but you need help to do all that.

[Testificateman]

Please don't talk like that, you do deserve kindness.
If it would help, you could go to the doctors with your partner or a friend. You're not alone and you don't need to do this on your own.

[GerardNoWay]

Thank you both.

I am all cried out now and OH has made me a cup of tea.

I am scared of what will happen when we go to bed. The dark and the quiet terrifies me and once he is asleep I don't know where my mind will go.

Self harm used to (temporarily) dim that, make it easier to cope with, give me something else to focus on and help me sleep. I know I can't hurt myself, I know this. But the temptation is huge.

[Amandahugandkisses]

You are a human being. You deserve kindness but mostly you deserve it from yourself. You are safe. Please try and get help and see someone in the morning you can't go on like this.

[MagicChanges]

Gerard there are many organisations that are set up specifically to help and support adult survivors of sexual abuse. If you put in "Organisations for Sexual Abuse Survivors" into google you will find a good many.

There is napac - phone 0808 801 0331 (that's the helpline)
The Survivors Trust 0808 801 0818 (helpline)
I know you might find it difficult to just phone and talk to a stranger but MIND has information including a lot of different organisations offering support to adult survivors - one the Lantern Project I know a friend of mine found very useful - there is an online forum which is less daunting than phoning a help line.
There IS help and support out there, so please use these special organisations where people will understand. You might already know that sometimes people who have been sexually abused will be diagnosed with PTSD (if you're having flashbacks and intrusive thoughts) it might be worth seeing a medic, although the average GP can only usually diagnose depression and anxiety. There is a specific therapy for PTSD (EMDR) you would have to google - I always forget the actual words - people on here have spoken very highly about this form of therapy as you don't have to re-live the situation by talking about what happened, as you might in a more conventional therapy.
Hold DH tight tonight in the dark and try hard to keep safe. Sorry I know that's easier said than done. You could try your GP (but they are going to be rushed off their feet this week) if you think you are getting depressed. Did you say you work as well - if so maybe you need some time off.

Sending warm wishes.

[FlissMumsnet]

Thanks to everyone for all their support for GerardNoWay - we're sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Goodluck getting the help you need