Depression Relapse

[MeadowHay]

I'm 23 and have had problems with my mental health since childhood really. I only started getting help for it when I was 17 which was obviously far too late. I have been doing really well though over the last year or so, really improved my depression and anxiety. My anxiety is still moderate but my depression basically mild or even gone other than occasional bad days/problems with self-esteem/fatigue. I halved the dosage of my anti-depressant over the summer and remained stable.

Since late November though my mood has been dipping. DH thinks it always takes a dip around that time of year when the weather changes. It resulted in me missing a presentation at uni as I was too anxious to go to it and then had more anxiety having to sort out applying for mitigating circumstances, we're having problems with our lettings agents too, and I've had to reapply for PIP and am awaiting an assessment by Capita, these are all stressful but I'm not sure really explain my gradual deteroiration in my mood. I've noticed that I've been feeling lower, more often, and for longer lengths of time, I've been crying a lot more, having suicidal thoughts more often and with increasing intensity so much so that a week or so ago I made a plan (which I'm now not planning to stick to, but remains in the back of my head)....

I'm a final year student and I've been slowly but surely doing really well on my degree and I really want to complete it and achieve the mark I'm capable of. But I am really worried that this relapse doesn't seem to be going away on its own and term is going to start again soon. I have to do that presentation that I missed in a few weeks, and I have an exam the day after it. Then classes and tutorials will begin again etc then finally exams later in May/June...I'm really worried this term is going to be written off and that I'll fail my degree, I know this is catastrophising but I am really feeling like I'm becoming more and more unwell since late November. I've worked so hard to get to where I am today and worked so hard on my recovery and it's heartbreaking to feel like it's all being taken away from me by this illness that is just forcing its way back into my life again on top of the problems I already have to deal with (my significant anxiety disorder and the problems i have being on the Autistic Spectrum). I just don't know what to do what, where to turn, how do I make it go away again?? How do I stop it ruining my life and taking me back to the really dark places I was in before? And even if it goes, how do I make sure it doesn't keep coming back again and ruining everything???

[Testificateman]

The problem is that, it never truly goes away. I'm in my mid 40's and still fighting the demons.
If you have halved your medication, it might be better if you go back to your doctor and get it temperaly increased until after your exams. I know it is a crutch but, it might give you that much needed boost.
Have you talked to your DH about it getting worse? Have you spoken to your doctor about what actually started your depression?
My main regret is that, when I was sectioned, I never told the whole truth about what happened to me. Don't make the same mistake as I have.
There are people who care about you, and they can help you through this.
Let go of the demons and enjoy your life. You can get through this, it's hard but, you can. And it will be worth it.

[MeadowHay]

Don't say that, the only way I manage to keep going is the thought of eventually recovering from it !! The thought of having it throughout my life is too painful to bear. You say it's worth it but I can't see how it would be worth it to have this pain and this suffering for so much of a long life? It really doesn't seem worth it to me at all . And I am so sorry to hear about how hard it has been for you.

Yes I have spoken to my DH, he keeps repeating that I am doing a lot better now than I was (which was true until it started getting worse), and that I'll overcome it and get back on track (but I find that hard to believe because how can he know that?), and that I need to remember the good times we've had and that we'll go on to have more good times. But like I said I don't feel like some good times are worth the intense suffering of severe depression for long periods of time . He is very supportive and helpful and I wouldn't be still alive without him but obviously he can only do so much. At the moment I am staying with my parents as well without him so that is making it worse I think as he is my rock. I am going home on the weekend though, I can't wait to see him. He is still supporting me when he can via phone/texting/Skype etc.

I mentioned to the GP a month or so ago about the depression worsening and they offered to increase my antidepressant dosage again but I didn't want to as I was hoping it would just pass. But it's just getting even worse. Last time I brought it up with DH he said he didn't think I should increase it as it will pass but that was a month or so ago, I will ask him again. I've always been very supportive of medication but for the first time I really don't want to increase my dosage again. I think it's because I saw reducing my dosage as a massive achievement and a milestone in my recovery and it is so painful to think that I'm not recovering anymore and there is nothing that indicates that more than having to increase the dosage again ! It will make it feel more real.

[MeadowHay]

Oh also, there is no clear "event" that started my depression I don't think. I certainly wasn't a victim of childhood abuse of any sort for example. I remember the first time I felt intensely sad and it just sort of continued from there worsening as I was bullied throughout my adolescence and things. But there isn't one major thing to overcome that caused my depression or anything like that. Which always makes me feel stupid that people have awful things happen to them and they get on with life and I am sat crying all day about nothing.

[Testificateman]

I'm sorry. Didn't mean to make you worry. It's probably different for me and, even though it hasn't totally gone away, it doesn't effect me the way it use to.
As there is no trigger for your depression, you WILL come out the other side a lot better off.
You are are a bright, strong young woman and you can fight this.

[Testificateman]

I know it might sound funny but, have you tried hypnosis?

[MeadowHay]

No it's ok I know you are just sharing your story with me and I appreciate it, thank you, and I hope things are not too bad for you now.

Yes I did try it once a few years ago when my parents pushed me to and paid for it, and it didn't help but I only had two or three sessions and the fella that was my therapist for it I didn't really click with so I would be willing to try it again with someone else. But I don't think you can get it on the NHS and at the moment we wouldn't be able to afford to go private?

[fallenempires]

Hi,
You can access it but it has to be done via your GP who will make the referral.