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Can someone please hold my hand for a bit?

(124 Posts)
iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 15:39:36

In a nut shell: I'm under the crisis team, bipolar, suicidal, plans. I don't think I can keep going beyond tonight. I've tried PRN meds and every distraction technique under the sun.

I rang the crisis team for help earlier today--they can't see me until 7pm, which seems like a lifetime away. DH will need to drive there and traipse the DD's all the way there (45 mins each way). Last time I was given an 'appointment' for 8pm, I dind't get seen until midnight. I think I need admitting--and I don't say that very often. I've used up every ounce of energy I have. But last time I went through this whole rigmarole, they just dismissed me as needing more sleep (my CPN had already been in contact and told them it was bad, but they ignored that.) Or, quite likely, there will be no beds on the local ward anyway and I don't want to go out of area (hospitals with bad reputations). I've been admitted many times so I know the ropes. I'm worried that if I tell them everything and there are no local beds, they will section me and force me to go out-of-area. Or I keep stuff back and try to find out if there are beds so that I can keep the choice of whether to go in, but then they will probably just dismiss me. confused Things have changed a lot in the last few years at the psych hosptial--and not for the better.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just hanging on.

octoberfarm Sat 31-Dec-16 15:59:55

Hey there, I didn't want to read and run so just wanted to say that I'm sure someone with some good advice will be along shortly, but that in the meantime I'm thinking of you.

It sounds like you're being incredibly, incredibly brave. I wonder whether someone might be able to look after your little ones this evening so that your partner can go in with you and help you navigate the situation? I know it's all really scary, but I think you'd be doing the right thing telling them how bad it is.

Wishing you all the luck in the world flowers

Lolimax Sat 31-Dec-16 16:03:50

Keep talking to us on here. It sounds like you know (unfortunately) a lot about your condition but at best we can keep you distracted.

pklme Sat 31-Dec-16 16:05:29

IT sounds as though you are very poorly. You need to go don't you, really. So however it is managed, and whatever happens in the end, all you can really do is roll up. I do hope you get some good care, and that you and DH manage the practicalities. flowersflowers

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:05:56

Thank you October. No, there's nobody who can take the DDs. I hate having to take them over there. They sit in the car with DH with the engine on as there's no way I will let them in the building. It would terrify them. Or DH can drop me off and take the kids home, which is what we did before. He had to pull them out of bed at 2am to come and pick me up after I'd seen an incredibly condescending pdoc--my CPN agreed that it had been handled very badly and said she would pass on what happened so it's not just me that thought this. It's pot luck as to whrther you see someone who gives a fuck.

Mummyreindeerlegz Sat 31-Dec-16 16:06:10

Make no decisions, I'm sure it feels impossible to keep going right now but keep reminding yourself that even though it doesn't feel like it this will pass. Some things can't be undone. Don't do those things. Do nothing for this minute and then do nothing the minute after. I hope they see you and have a bed for you and that you can be enveloped in the security you need.

Flumplet Sat 31-Dec-16 16:06:13

Hi OP. I didn't want to read and run either. I'm sorry and I might be crap at the hand holding thing, because I'm a bit socially awkward, but I just wanted to let you know you aren't on your own and we're all here with you. Is there anything in particular you would like to talk about?

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:07:19

X post, thanks also loli and pkl.

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:08:19

X post, thanks also loli and pkl.

user1468843120 Sat 31-Dec-16 16:09:53

Toast, you have been so brave and I really hope you get the help you need. Keep talking and reach out to us for help and distraction until the appointment.

Sending you flowers and cake

thewideeyedpea Sat 31-Dec-16 16:12:30

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I hope you get well looked after. Sending you flowers

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:15:23

Thank you mummy and flumpet. It's just good to type it down. Trying to distract myself and not let the DDs see me blubbing away. I'm a bit nervous about going down there. I've done it a handful of times, but the last experience really knocked my confidence. My CPN knows this--we had been on holiday and I started sliding down. We left a day early and my DH drove straight to the assessment unit (from Norfolk to NE Scotland) for an 8pm appointment. I sent him home once it got to 10pm and I hadn't seen anyone. I finally did at midnight. My CPN had already clearly said that she wanted me to be put under the crisis team and one of the CMHT pdoc had agreed with the plan. The pdoc denied that they could do that--denied that they could do anything apart from give me a couple of zoplclone (which I have).

It's getting harder and harder to get people to listen. My CPN and CMHT are great, but not if you're aI the
Mercy of our of hours.

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:16:31

Sorry, I'm a slow typer and missed those x posts. Thank you.

I'm going to try a shower.

Flumplet Sat 31-Dec-16 16:21:00

A shower, then a nice hot cup of tea. I'm in all evening toast if you need to keep chatting.

Mummyreindeerlegz Sat 31-Dec-16 16:21:07

A shower sounds good :-)

The mental health system is a disgrace and I am so sorry they are failing you. Just keep trying, it's all you can do. Bang on the door till they listen. Though with depression / mental health it's not exactly easy to be resilient and keep trying, is it?

Maracattack Sat 31-Dec-16 16:26:01

I am thinking of you as well. I hope that writing here helps and the Crisis team can help as well.

Keep writing!

Sweetpea302 Sat 31-Dec-16 16:29:09

It sounds like you're being so brave. I can't pretend to know enough to give you any meaningful advice, but the thing that I do when things are getting on top of me to a scary degree is concentrate on my breathing and try to distract myself. You're asking for help and you're fighting - keep doing that when you get the opportunity. In the mean time we're all sending you good vibes. flowers

octoberfarm Sat 31-Dec-16 16:32:12

A nice hot shower sounds like an excellent idea to me smile One step at a time. I know it probably doesn't feel like it now but as a pp said, this will pass.

One day you'll be able to tell your daughters about the lengths you went to to survive for them, and they are going to be** so, so proud of you. I'm sorry the crisis team have been crappy to you, here's hoping you get someone lovely to help you tonight.

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:33:14

Thank you. All I could think of in the shower was that at least my body will be clean for when I've passed. Not the best distraction sad

A cup of tea is a better idea.

Flumplet Sat 31-Dec-16 16:38:29

You're not passing today toast. We are here. We've got you. I'm so sorry you have been failed like this by the mental health services. What is it about today that's making you feel particularly like it's the time to go? Has something happened in particular or is it a combination of things?

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:46:47

Thank you flumpet. It's the messages I'm being sent--to rescue everything and make it all OK, I can't be around for 2017. They're thoughts from someone else that they're putting in my mind. I'm fighting them and trying to remember what my CPN said about it being symptoms of depression. I was coping, but it's all too much to try to fight. I've got pretty good at the whole distraction-lark over the lest few years, but I'm not safe here. Havjng to wait hours before seeing someone when I can feel the time ticking away is proving very hard indeed.

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:48:41

I should add before this gets wiped, I'm not threatening to kill myself or anything. I'm on here to distract myself. DH is a gem and will kick them into shape if need be (metaphorically, of course). I just need to kill the time until we need to leave.

LobsterQuadrille Sat 31-Dec-16 16:50:38

What's been a good distraction for you in the past? I really feel for you; I have some experience of crisis teams and of being sectioned and finding belatedly that no beds are available. And the "hanging on by a thread" feeling.

iveburntthetoast Sat 31-Dec-16 16:51:20

As i knew, DD1 is very upset about going there. She knows what it means and that we won't be able to go horse riding together next week.

LobsterQuadrille Sat 31-Dec-16 16:52:57

That's because she cares about you and wants you to be better though. In its way that's positive ....

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