It has just dawned on me how utterly selfish I must appear to my close family. I have mood swings, snap, always tearful. I cannot be normal - no matter how hard I try. I envy people who think and act normally.
I hate myself for being that person who her dh does not understand and feels is over emotional. I hate being that person who becomes easily irritated by her children. I hate being that person who cannot tolerate mess of any kind. I hate being that person who does not understand herself.
You aren't well. Would you blame someone with a broken leg for not being able to walk? Depression (assuming that is the problem) is not just a mental illness. It has physical effects too. It's a very common real thing, not a freakish character flaw. Luckily, it is treatable. Different treatments work for different people, so you might have to try a few before you find the one that works for you (this is true of meds, but also talking therapies etc). Your DH needs to educate himself so that he can support you better (and probably also feel better himself). There is a lot of help out there.
I struggle to communicate my feelings to others, especially when they have offended me. It is so pathetic, I bring it up then start back tracking so as not to offend them.
Dh says I am cowardly as I cannot be direct with people. My being cowardly caused five years of misery at secondary school as I did nothing whilst the bullies made my life a misery. I never ever stood up for myself. I was scared of everyone ganging up on me.
Ugh, your DH sounds like one of those awful pseudo-military 'toughen up' types. You can't make people bully you, they have to be nasty bullying shits to start with. And actually, at some schools, there is a culture where standing up for yourself does make things worse.
As for your DH not understanding you, he needs to work at that, you can't do it for him.
It may well be that your husband says things in an u kind way... but "Stand up for yourself and be assertive" is actually good advices (although it is harder to put into practice). If you asked him to help, would he?
It's very easy for your DH to be saying that if he has never experienced this illness himself.It is difficult to stand up for yourself & be assertive if you are already struggling with all the other stuff such as even dragging yourself out of bed!