I had a terrible childhood. The effects of it have had me spiralling for years and I feel like I am unravelling again. This time I am seriously depressed. I have hugely matted hair and have got so fat I need new clothes (size 24 at moment) as nothing fits.
I have always punished myself in one way or another since I was a child. I used to starve myself but now eating and eating has become my new protection against meeting people and being hurt again. I have this feeling off 'if I make myself ugly and horrible no one will ever get close to me again and harm me again'.
I can't stop eating. I hoard food. My mother starved me when I lived with her and she still told me how fat I was. Even while pregnant with my eldest I was only 8st at full term.
I am now no contact with my family as they have continued to abuse me since I was a child. I am still told all the abuse was my fault and I should be grateful they didn't leave me to rot in care.
The only person I trust is my partner. I don't even trust my best friend in the world. I can't let people hug me. I hide in my house as the outside is too peopley. I am so afraid of everything.
My sister has now been in contact to say she has been having treatment and has been diagnosed with complex PTSD. She has had therapy and she seems to have got herself together. No drugs, no alcohol. Just together. She told me to get help.
I don't know where to start. I don't want drugs. I am scared of therapy. I am just plain scared. I want to be fixed. I have been dealing with hiding the past in boxes and letting it make me ill for more than 20 years. How do I start to fix me?
So far I have decided to fix my hair. It's been matted for 2 years. I have got my first 8th back. That sounds horrible but it is making me feel hope. Maybe if i can fix my hair I can fix me.
So on day 2 of trying my best to fix me I am going to fix another bit of hair. I am also going to not use food to keep people away. I am going to only eat food I love and want.
I don't even know what food I like. I spent so long being starved that I have no idea where to start. Since I met my partner I have discovered that I love broccoli and kale. Before that I only ate pasta, sweetcorn, cheese, bread and pizza. So today I will have some broccoli. Maybe with rice.
All these things seem so little but I want to live again. I don't want to die and I dont want to drown anymore. Sorry this is all a ramble. I wanted to put this down somewhere. Having it in black and white to read back on feels jumbled but I feel lighter. It's not just bottled up in me anymore.
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Mental health
How to fix me? therapy? something?
littlemissangrypants · 20/12/2016 12:34
You don't sound weak or stupid or nothing. You sound like a strong person with goals. Ireland sounds amazing. Keep setting little goals and they will get to be bigger and bigger ones.
Could you face a GP? CBT really helped me. It's not a talk about your past kind of therapy but rather focus on how you think and act today. 
well done for taking these little steps, keep setting these little goals,you are doing amazingly well.
bobbinogs I'm german but partner is english and very northern. I think he's pretty sweet with his northern ways. The christmas celebrations are the only thing I have kept from my past. The kids celebrate St Nicolas day too.
dangermouseisace My partner would go with me. He lets me make the choice of if I want him along. Like a couple of years ago I had to go to hospital and he asked if I wanted him along but I was fine alone so he stayed with my boys. I'm so used to being alone and doing everything for myself. I've not lived with a parental unit since I was 15. It's hard letting people in to help.
Cguk81 My family are really lovely people. I got so lucky with my lads. They are so kind and caring. My eldest always gives his coats to cold girls. The younger one is on the spectrum so a little more difficult for him. He doesn't really like people too much but seems to love gathering old people around him to look after - like carrying their shopping and things. He also loves giving hugs out. He just really struggles with people his own age.
My other half (don't like to call him dp as he really is my other half) is a hell of a guy. We met online just over 5 years ago. We chated for ages and really hit it off. He is a computer nerd but has this huge love of pixar movies. He also used to be a scout so loves the outdoors.
I had never been camping before so he took me and now we go camping a lot. He really would do anything for me and sits with me at night when I'm having a bad time. I still have terrible nightmares but he lets me snuggle in to him and just holds me.
A friend of mine has always said that I shouldn't feel lucky to have him as I'm a great person but I do feel lucky. In some ways maybe this is my positive after all that horror before. He knows everything that went on and doesn't think I'm a freak. He loves me for me and always tells me how lucky he is.
Thank you for the flowers and support. It's making me feel a lot less alone.
So yesterday was a good day. I have now got nearly half my hair done (worked on it all day, yes it was that bad). Feel a lot less like some scarecrow. Today is harder. I have so much to do and I had a hard night. I wont be beaten this time though. I am going to keep the untangled piece untangled and I wont hide and hurt myself.
I am not going back even if it's hard and I just want to give up. I'm not boxing the past up anymore which is leading to a lot of tears but I am done hiding and I'm done being scared. I've spent nearly 30 years being scared and hurt and I want to live. I want to find me under the fear .
@littlemissangrypants whether you realise it or not, you are hugely inspiring.
Have you tried coconut oil to help with your hair? ItS my go to for everything from gippy tummies to moisturiser to shoe polish 
I hope today goes well for you. Be proud of how far you've come already x
Do you have a Tangle Teezer? Maybe you could ask at the beauty section for more useful advice!
Good luck 
Just checking in quickly. Tidying house all day to get it ready for tomorrow. I have been torturing the kids with a Tweenies christmas music cd. We have listened to it every year since they were 3ish. We even had to get a new copy as the old one got scratched to bits.
Really looking forward to boardgames and fun tomorrow. We always get a krautmas present which is always a new boardgame. This year we have Caverna but in previous years we have had exploding kittens and pandemic. We will just chill out with games and fun food all day and have some time as family.
My hair is getting there I think. Another 4-5 hours should have it finished which would be amazing after so long with it being so bad. I'm starting to feel like a human being again.
Going back to knit and natter is on my list of things to do next year maybe. I'm still trying to stick to baby steps but I will send an email to the woman running it trying to find out when its on and if its less busy some weeks. I think a day with 30 odd people is too much right now.
I do have other things on my list for next year. Seeing doctor for therapy referral is on it along with little things like walking down the road. I also want to do a woodland walk next year and another camping trip. I also want to learn to apply make up. I have never had a mother to show me how to do it and then I was busy with my kids (was a teen mum). I never really learnt but I'm starting to want to have make up. Just to make me feel good and pretty. Think youtube might be a good start for that.
Thank you again for checking on me. I will be back after christmas. For now I hope you all have a wonderful christmas with plenty of love and good food. Having this thread to think my thoughts out loud has been a life saver
you are doing amazingly. I'm so glad to hear that you have a community to get back into- they will have been missing you!
Boardgames sounds great even though my kids are all tech and stuff they still love boardgames.
Sometimes, if it's something you're up to in the future, going into a store and having them put make up on you can help. I was always completely clueless and bewildered, but before I got married I had a 'makeover' at a makeup shop and bought most of the products that they used (they didn't use that many, and you're under no obligation to buy anything at all) I know that if you're not up to big department stores many of the smaller boots have a no. 7 counter and they do them. At the very least, I'd recommend getting someone who works on a counter to help you choose foundation as it's really difficult to see the right shade by yourself. The other stuff is easier to do yourself. I know that as a staunch feminist I shouldn't feel better with my hair blow dried and the small amount make up that I bother with on, but I do…
Hope you have a lovely Christmas. It sounds like you have a lovely time planned 
Burn the letter? You don't have to have contact - I understand it's a complicated relationship but you don't have to do anything you don't want.
It's very manipulative sending this for Christmas - ensuring you spend valuable quality time thinking and worrying. Don't let her or him into your head - look how strong you are and how far you've come!
You are doing so well. This is a minor setback but let it strengthen your resolve to be stronger. Merry Christmas
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