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DH is worrying me - depression

(25 Posts)
BarryTheKestrel Fri 16-Dec-16 00:24:05

DH went to the doctors a few months ago after a long bout of very low mood, anger outbursts, anxiety attacks. They sorted out 6CBT sessions and for a bit it helped.

Last weekend we went to a wedding and he had a huge anxiety attack and broke down. He hasn't been the same since. Incredibly snappy, bursting into tears randomly, not talking at all.

He had the day off work today, I got home and he wasn't here. Got a text saying he didn't want to be at home and take it out on me. He came home around 10pm, had a hug, cried, decided he needed to write down his feelings because he couldn't talk to me about it.

He went to bed and asked me to read it. Essentially he is contemplating suicide. He has spent today thinking about the hows and why's and what's. Apparently the only thing stopping him is hurting me and DD.

His mum constantly tells him he's fine and isn't depressed. His friends never see this side of him.

I'm trying to convince him to go back to the doctors but he's so closed off and in denial I'm scared they won't see what I see and will dismiss or minimise it.

What can I do? Can I write to his doctor or call and speak to them with my concerns? I know they can't tell me anything but if I can tell them what he's telling me they may see a different side to it? I just don't know what to do.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 16-Dec-16 00:25:07

Sorry I realise that's really scrambled. Hopefully it makes sense to someone.

Billowisp Fri 16-Dec-16 00:33:38

Is there a local crisis team you can call? Or try 111

MagicChanges Fri 16-Dec-16 00:41:22

So sorry you and DH are having such a hard time. I suffer from intermittent depression sometimes severe, so I know the torment of the illness. The thing about suicide is that it is a very common thought for people with depression, known as suicide ideation. It's not that we want to die, it's that we want the pain to stop.

I think you must insist that DH sees a good GP and you go with him so that you can give the details of what is happening to DH. I think men are very bad at acknowledging they are depressed and find talking about their symptoms very difficult. It sounds like he needs some time off work and medication (there are some very effective anti-depressants) these days. It isn't any good you writing to the doctor I'm afraid.

You are going to have to be very assertive and not take NO for an answer with DH - tell him he needs time off work and that you are making an appointment at the GP and he has to keep it, and you're going with him. Can you enlist the help of a relative/friend who he trusts to back you up, that he needs help. You could tell him that approx one third of all GP consultations are mental health related so he won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard many times before.

TrampagneSupernova Fri 16-Dec-16 00:47:04

Reassure him that it's ok and you'll get through this together. Easier said than done at this time of year, drop everything (claim a more conventional illness/ get someone to take your daughter to and from school tomorrow) hold him tight tonight, tell him how much you love him, take a deep breath in the morning and take him to a doctor or community mental health team, don't let the symptoms or the way he has been feeling today or tonight get down played in any way.

His mother is in denial that her son could be suffering with mental illness and doesn't want to acknowledge it. That's her problem and you can deal with that later, hopefully she'll start to open her eyes once you and your husband start to work through things.
This happened to me and seems to be quite common from what I've heard when a child becomes ill.

My partner stood by me in a similar situation and we turned it around, it was tough but together we got there. Big hugs to you all and best of luck.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 16-Dec-16 00:52:08

He is asleep next to me now so he is safe for tonight.

I don't think he will go through with it. Having suffered depression and anxiety issues myself I can completely understand where he is coming from sadly.

I went along with him the last 2 times, first time he was told to eat healthy and exercise which he already does. Second time I cried and he got 6CBT sessions, which evidently haven't helped.

I'm forcing him to call again in the morning for another appointment as we can't carry on like this. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells trying to make sure nothing sets him off.

The only family member he trusts is his mum and even after her witnessing his breakdown at the wedding is still convinced there is nothing wrong with him. She really isn't helping right now.

Our work patterns cross to ensure we always have child care so both of us going to the GP means taking the toddler or missing work for both of us. Finance is a big issue in all of this so he refuses to do that.

I'm going to force the point in the morning and maks sure an appointment is made. If I can't go I will write to his GP before (the surgery is just round the corner so can hand deliver) and tell her how he is and what's going on and how it's affecting every day life, it may give her something to go on with Mr I can't talk about it.
He is always writing his feelings down which is good. I think he should take them with him if I can't go. It's very clear from reading it that he really isn't coping.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Fri 16-Dec-16 04:10:54

Does he read these pages? There are enough of us who have been through depression to understand how he feels ... but we do come, out the other side.

AnxiousCarer Fri 16-Dec-16 10:23:28

Hi, hope you managed to get him GP appointment today. Definately a good idea to take what hes written down with him. If you can't go with him you should be able to speak to his GP by phone. They can't discuss his care but can listen to the information you give.

I've been in this situation with my DH. In an emergency you can take him to A&E and they will keep him safe and get emergency assessment. You can ask GP for an emergency home visit, or out of hours request one through 111. If you feel that there is an immediate risk and can't pursuade him to get help then call 999, they police have taken my DH to A&E many times in the past when I couldn't pursuade him. You could also phone crisis team (the number should be available online or through your local hospital switch board) they will want to speak directly to DH rather than you though. Make sure that he has access to samaritans number too. Other than that just keep on loving him.

fallenempires Fri 16-Dec-16 16:50:03

Evening Barry how's your day been?

BarryTheKestrel Fri 16-Dec-16 20:07:15

Today has been better. I think getting it all out last night helped. Getting his feelings down on paper.

Couldn't get an appointment today, even an emergency one. Have one for first thing Monday.

I've managed to arrange for someone to watch DD Monday morning do I can go with him.

He's doing better though. Peaks and troughs but I think it was a massive release just to say 'this is how I feel, this is what I've been hiding'

Bauble16 Fri 16-Dec-16 20:17:06

Is your DH open to hearing self help audios OP? Here's some brilliant ones by the wise way beyond her day Claire weekes. I personally found her bloody amazing during my years suffering and her audios played a huge part in how I recovered. Worth a look and reallu calming too. They are the 3rd box down, have her pic next to them smile

BarryTheKestrel Fri 16-Dec-16 20:33:11

Thank you. I will suggest it to him when he gets in. He's gone to see some friends for a few hours, get out of his headspace a bit. I think the crying toddler was making him on edge after a day at work.

fallenempires Fri 16-Dec-16 21:26:20

Barry that sounds like progress for you both.Keep posting if you want to,plenty of us are suffering/suffered & have those we love who are suffering/ have

AnxiousCarer Fri 16-Dec-16 21:40:13

DH and I are both struggling with MH issues at the moment. We find scoring how we are feeling out of 10 helps each other understand whats really going on for us. Its so easy to say I'm feeling better and be misunderstood about what that actually means. Wondering if this would help you and DH too. Also keeping a record can help identifying things that trigger low periods etc.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 16-Dec-16 22:35:33

Definitely a good idea. In his last down period we had a rating system on how bad things were. Will be good to bring that back.

I've been off ADs for about 6 years now so doing much better but can definitely relate to him and understand somewhat where he is coming from. As with all things it's different for everyone but he knows I understand at the moment when he says things are good he doesn't mean 'good' in the everyone else sense of the of the word but good for him, now.

I really appreciate having somewhere to write down my thoughts on the matter tbh, and potentially have a bit of a moan when I need to. It's difficult being the one holding everything together. It would be so easy to fall apart myself but I'm keeping my head above water for now.

elephantoverthehill Fri 16-Dec-16 22:43:34

Barry I think you are a very supportive partner and doing everything you can. flowers. Keep going.

fallenempires Fri 16-Dec-16 22:55:43

Barry keep on posting if you want to.It's tough trying to hold it all together under this situation.

RaveclawZia13 Fri 16-Dec-16 22:59:12

There is a men's mental health group called CALMzone they are on Facebook and have a website. They are dedicated to preventing male suicide. They have helplines which may help whilst you can get an appointment.

BarryTheKestrel Sat 17-Dec-16 00:14:24

Thank you all for your advice and support. It's really helped. We've had a bit of a talk about it all tonight and after work tomorrow we are going to have a look at everything you have all suggested to help.

AnxiousCarer Sun 18-Dec-16 12:32:13

Its hard work supporting someone with MH issues, keep talking and most importantly make some time to look after yourself.

BarryTheKestrel Sun 18-Dec-16 21:15:30

We have a doctors appointment first thing in the morning. His mood has stabilised somewhat and now he's doubting he needs the appointment. Think I'm going to have to take the note he wrote the other evening about how he was feeling so they can see what it's really like. The suicidal thoughts, even if only every so often, is too much.

AnxiousCarer Sun 18-Dec-16 22:41:09

Sounds like taking the note is a good idea, hope the appointment goes well

BarryTheKestrel Mon 19-Dec-16 11:57:41

We had a good chat with the doctor this morning. Were in there at least 20 minutes in the end. He's got another 6 sessions of CBT as he's said he didn't really take it seriously last time, just sort of went because he felt he was supposed to, but he's willing to give it another try. So another 6 of those and if he's still the same they will go down a medication route. He's quite scared of antidepressants and things as a close friend has had some bad experiences in getting his meds right. But he's willing to try if the CBT doesn't get anywhere, which I'm pretty sure it won't as he's awful at talking about things that bother him.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 19-Dec-16 17:36:53

At least he (and you) are making some progress. CBT can work, but from my experience, I need to be in a frame of mind where I can be cognitive in order to try and order my thoughts. Sometimes I don't seem to have the option. So even if he is willing, it may not work without meds as a back up.

Getting meds right is difficult. Sadly, the quacks can't run blood tests and measure what meds are needed to redress any imbalance.. It is more of a guess and try approach so be prepared for a couple of tries.

BarryTheKestrel Mon 19-Dec-16 18:29:03

We'll see how the CBT goes in the new year and go from there I guess. If it doesn't work we will go back, and keep going back until we find something that works.

I've bought him a nice notebook for him to keep his log of how he's feeling as he is happier to write things down so I think that will be therapeutic for the next few weeks whilst we wait for an appointment.

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