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Near Breakdown

(20 Posts)
Mummyofmonsters Fri 09-Dec-16 22:30:46

Hey I'm new to this so please bare with me.. I've been having a lot of problems and I don't actually want to get into what they are, but I've distanced myself from everyone as I don't want people closest to me knowing what is going on or questioning me, as a result i hear nothing from 'friends', but that's not why I'm posting but I guess because I can't talk to who were 'friends' I need to get it off my chest.
Anyways I know I'm depressed. I have kids to I have to cook but I'm just throwing whatever is easy together which isn't like me I'm usually a cook from scratch kind of mum, then I can't be bothered with my housework.. and I hate mess! But I'm a wreck. I don't sleep through the stress I'm going through, so I'm exhausted. I'm in such a low place I cried so hard today I was almost throwing up, completely unable to get my breath, and when I did I was gagging and rushing to the toilet. I could barely breathe and I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt this low and weak as a mother I try to stay strong but I'm struggling I just keep crying 247. I'm not myself I have no patience I have no energy and I can't pull myself together, it's hard to explain without disclosing what has made me feel this way but I feel like I'm going to have a break down. I go numb and don't speak i just sit and stare after my crying had stopped. I just don't know what to do.

Ballstowinplease Fri 09-Dec-16 22:36:41

You need to talk to someone in RL, a friend or the GP. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a lovely Mum. If you want to tell us what happened we might be able to help more.

sooperdooper Fri 09-Dec-16 22:36:51

Sorry a you're having such a hard time, but the fact you're self aware means you can get on top of things.

Make yourself a doctors appointment first thing on Monday morning and get some support, it sounds like you're suffering panick attacks maybe?

Mummyofmonsters Fri 09-Dec-16 22:39:56

I think it was the beginning of a panic attacks I have had them once or twice before. I just feel awful I don't feel like a good mum I just want to stay indoors and play going out alone makes me petrified at just the thought and I never used to be this way. I am such a worrier I'm scared if I go to see my Gp they will label me as depressed and then I worry people will judge my capabilities as a parent. I just want to be the mum I used to be but I also know I'm not me and I'm not myself.

Mummyofmonsters Fri 09-Dec-16 22:40:48

Thank you both also for replying to me, I know it's just a simple reply but believe me it's made me feel like I'm not alone right now.

fallenempires Fri 09-Dec-16 23:22:24

Ohh lovely I & others on here know those feelings,you're not a crap Mum honestly,you're a Mum who isn't feeling well & needs some help.Do you want to tell us more?
It's an anonymous forum as you know,you won't be judged flowers

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sat 10-Dec-16 08:15:31

Monsters Mum,
I can't offer help regards to children as we never had them. But from observation of friends etc who do have children, it appears that being a mum really is a 24/24 hour job with no respite, no time off, no rest.

It would be unreasonable to expect someone working without a break to never get tired. It is also mid winter which is a very depressing time of year. The fact you say you cook from scratch and try to do lovely food is an indication you are a good mum. As others have said, don't be hard on yourself.

Wolfiefan Sat 10-Dec-16 08:18:35

Oh my sweet you are not a weak person or a bad mum. You are a woman with an illness. Please seek RL help. Make an appointment with your GP. If you can't tell them what's up you can show this post. They can help. Really. Life can be better. flowers

ihatethecold Sat 10-Dec-16 08:29:31

Hey mummy
How are you this morning?
I get how you are feeling. Why have you stopped talking to your friends?
I have found my friends have kept me sane this year, although their support has waned they got me through the toughest parts of this year.
Do you have a dp you can talk to?

Mummyofmonsters Sat 10-Dec-16 08:29:40

Thank you all for your kind messages. I don't want to go into full details but my husband cheated, and I said I'd take him back I knew the trust was gone but within a month he had gone behind my back and reinstalled an app which I asked him to delete as this was his form of communication with women. So I found out he had been messaging other women behind my back, despite giving him another chance he disrespected me and was messaging other women. Please understand these aren't his female friends, these are random women. I have no issues him speaking to his friends but the fact he's gone behind my back again and lied to me again has pushed me to the edge. Everything was so good between us and I feel so lost I can't tell family and friends as despite everything he is an amazing man and I couldnt bare them to pass judgement on him and label him as a cheat etc. So I'm pretty much dealing with it on my own he has told me he'd never hurt me again but obviously I don't believe a single word he says. We got married a year ago and our children are young. There is a lot more to this story but I don't want to get into too much detail.
Thank you all for your replies.

Mummyofmonsters Sat 10-Dec-16 08:32:47

Amongst this I am trying to come to terms with things that happened in my life as a teen and try and cope that and finally face my demons but everything is getting on top of me. Today I'm going to use my slow cooker and make a chilli con carne from scratch that way it can cook itself easily and maybe I'll defeat this mum guilt that's eating away at me lol.

bobbinogs Sat 10-Dec-16 08:40:44

Of course you feel dreadful, you've got horrible things happening and it sounds like you're actually managing well in the circumstances. Now you need to concentrate on you, you need to be well and calm and rested so you can make the best decisions for you and your kids. Get to the GP, nobody will judge your capabilities, take baby steps towards getting whole and strong. Are you eating? Can you get out for some fresh air today? Any chance you could get a couple of hours alone ? Small steps, you can do this, get yourself in a better place and then deal with your idiot DH. A slow cooker chilli sounds lovely, what else is happening today?

Wolfiefan Sat 10-Dec-16 08:42:12

Chilli sounds amazing. But please don't hold all this inside until you can't keep it in any more. Seek RL help.

donerwillbehere Sat 10-Dec-16 08:44:32

I have been where you are small children one with special needs ..... Cheating partner ....... You will feel better in time my only advice to you is speak to your GP or Samaritans they are confidential ..... Opening up will help .... Think about you and how your feeling ...... Your partner he has choices you really need to think about you ...... You are a good mummy just having a rotten time ....... When you feel your mind wandering and thinking about things ..... Try and think I will deal with that soon but I have to do this first almost trying to priorities your thought it keep control of them ..... Good luck with the chilli ....... I am having that !!!!! I am sure it will be wonderful flowers hand holding if needed X

Timeforabiscuit Sat 10-Dec-16 08:52:09

Its at times like these that good friends are truly worth their weight in gold, do you have anyone in real life you can confide in?

Please dont try and push through, your body and mind have been through a horrible shock. Make sure you lean on other people, and talk to your gp as there may be some councelling help local to you.

Mummyofmonsters Sat 10-Dec-16 10:39:01

Thank you all. I have the chilli on so know they will be getting a home cooked meal so I can let that worry ease slightly. My husband wants to go for a walk to the woods let the kids let off steam and explore and I guess he wants to talk things through.
I am eating little bits here and there but nothing too heavy.
Unfortunately my best friend is in a new relationship and has become quite distant although I could talk to her, her partner is very close friends with my husband and I worry she would tell her partner so I can't confide in her. Thank you for all advice, I will contemplate seeing the gp. X

pklme Sat 10-Dec-16 15:34:13

Did the walk go ok? It's horrible when you can't talk to anyone because of the repercussions. I'm sure your friend would be sad if she knew how you felt. Could you trust her not to tell her BF any details, if you specifically asked her not to?

I hope you are feeling a bit better.

bobbinogs Sat 10-Dec-16 16:34:16

How was the walk ? Did DH talk ? a shame you can't talk to your BF at the moment, so talk to us for know. Is the chilli nearly ready? How are you feeling?

Mummyofmonsters Sun 11-Dec-16 11:13:23

It's sad but I can't trust her as I know she will tell him and she doesn't really talk to me unless it's something to do with her life so I don't really feel like it's the right thing to do.
The chilli wasn't great lol it was mushy I think I overcooked it and I'll stick to the hob in future haha.
We talked but mostly had fun with the kids it was lovely but I'm just a mess. He's hurt he's done this and regrets it deeply.

bobbinogs Tue 20-Dec-16 19:22:15

How are things now mummy ?

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