This is my first post. I've had a difficult few years: divorce, bereavement, no family nearby so feeling very isolated. I feel like I've dealt with a lot of loss, first with the recent bereavement (someone very close) but also with the divorce and loss of my dreams and how I saw the future. I'm also trying to come to term with not having any more children.
I've kept going an kept going, managing a volatile ex and getting a job and settling DS into nursery, building a relationship with ex as he struggles with stuff (pos on autistic spectrum) and know he loves DS but has to be guided in every single step. I've coped through hospital scares and running the house on my own and now my boy is a bit bigger and in Reception year, I am starting to get a bit of time to myself after not a single minute in years.
But I feel like I am now starting to fall apart. It's like I'm swimming and swimming trying to keep things ok and get us to the other side, but recently I am tired and starting to wonder what the point is.
A few friends who I have felt were close seem to have lost interest in me. I've realised my extended family see me way down near the bottom of their priorities. And for every time I want to do something, I invite about 6 people (both friends and family) none of whom are available.
I've told myself I have to just keep going, that being single makes it harder and I mustn't give up reaching out. But now I'm not so sure. I'm starting to feel desperate and needy. So I decided to see what happens if I stop contacting people.... 2 whole weeks with not a text or a phonecall off anyone. I realised how totally alone I am and how I don't have anyone. It's so depressing.
I've been sliding down and down, getting weepy and trying to hide it from my son. He has a hard life as it is. Doesn't need a mother going off the deep end too.
But today I scared myself. I was in a shop and someone was rude and unreasonable to me. I lost it. I argued and shouted and went on and on at the shop assistant who was rude to me for about 10 mins. I was completely out of control, shaking with pure rage. I am usually calm and reasonable and this frightened me. I feel like I'm losing control, sliding down into a dark place.
The worst bit is that my little boy was with me and was clearly shocked and shaken by my behaviour. I tried to calm down for him on the way home and told him I was sorry and that everyone gets mad sometimes but that I should have taken a deep breath and counted to ten. He was very upset at bedtime about it still.
I would be so glad for any advice. On how to make things better for my little one who is clearly distressed to see that. I have been so irritable of late and it is unsettling him.I have been ill and am tired and just have no patience or energy left to keep going.
Also, any advice on the anger. I really did scare myself. I don;t think I have ever been so angry. Out of all proportion to the event (though she was pretty rude and insulting in the shop).
And on the feeling alone. Oh I am so desperately lonely. Do I keep reaching out and trying to build relationships or should I just let it be and accept it is just me and DS, and we are a tight little unit.
Thank you if you have managed to get to the end of this.
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Mental health
Am I losing it?
7 replies
pingothedingo · 28/11/2016 21:41
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