Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Is my behaviour due to my MH or me being a bitch?

(18 Posts)
Openup41 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:06:27

I am generally snappy with family - nice as pie at work and to those who barely know me. How pathetic is that? I listen to myself and feel physically sick that I am nicer to strangers than my own family.

I shout at my dc, so much so that they much prefer my dh. My youngest does not bond with me and it breaks my heart. All my fault though. I destroy everything.

I have been told countless times that I am choosing to have this behaviour. I am choosing to be snappy, sarcastic, intolerant etc etc. If this is the case then am I using my MH as an excuse? Do I even have MH issues or am I just using this to act up because I just feel unhappy? Have I made it all up for the past 30 years?

Where do I go from here? I am more of a hindrance than a blessing to my family.

Openup41 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:07:44

I have never once felt I had a choice. My thoughts and feelings have always owned me.

EekAmIBonkers Thu 24-Nov-16 22:16:12

I hear you and have been there.

I found that taking full responsibility for the effect that I have on other people has been the single most helpful thing in my lifetime battle with poor mental health. This has also required a tonne of therapy, finding the right medication, and daily practice of self-compassion, but has been the single most empowering thing that I have done.

Zippydoodah Thu 24-Nov-16 22:19:44

I can see how it would look and we do take it out on our nearest and dearest. I agree with the above poster. You may not be able to hold it in all the time but living with someone with mh issues is very hard and I've experienced it from both sides of the fence

holidaysaregreat Thu 24-Nov-16 22:22:18

Are you able to take more time out of the home so the kids and OH can relax in the house & you go to gym/coffee shop/cinema. Or try to spend more 1-1 time so you're not overwhelmed by people and noise?
How many kids to do you have and what age?
It doesn't sound especially nice for the rest of the family tbh.

lowcrabdiet Thu 24-Nov-16 22:28:07

When I am suffering with anxiety I can be very snappy and at really bad times I can have angry verbal towards the people I love.

I know that this is a side effect of my mental health being bad. But, I also know that I have to take responsibility for this and make extra efforts (whether that is seeking further medication, making time for relaxation techniques, or just frankly bitingly bloody tongue) to not hurt my family.

As a symptom of anxiety I'd say the snapping is not my 'fault' but it is definitely my responsibility to not hurt the people around me. And once I've recognised the issue then I can't make excuses for not doing something about it.

I don't know if this helps you at all. It is hard when your emotions feel beyond your control. I hope you find a way to make things easier for yourself and fir the people around you.

lowcrabdiet Thu 24-Nov-16 22:30:54

Sorry for the typos!
*angry verbal outbursts towards

*frankly biting my bloody tongue


threemoregoals Thu 24-Nov-16 22:36:14

What is your situation with medication? I really feel for you, but I also feel very strongly that anything that will stop you snapping at your kids is the right thing. I had a depressed and anxious mum and it can leave quite a mark.

SofiaAmes Thu 24-Nov-16 22:39:24

It's kind of a combination of both. As Eek said, you need to take responsibility for the effect that your behavior has on others (which it sounds like you are doing - so well done....that's a huge first step which many do not take). Then you need to figure out what your triggers are and make peace with the changes you need to make in your life (as holidays has said). And remember that your triggers may have a much lower thresh hold than others and that's ok. (Try this workbook on DBT skills's very helpful for recognizing your own emotional boundaries and levels.)

It's lucky that you feel that things are different at work, because you can use that as a starting point to analyze what is working for you. What stresses do you have at home that you don't have at work? What are your button pushers? Super important to recognize what YOUR button pushers are and not what other people think your button pushers should be. For example, I don't do well with last minute tasks. I am very methodical in how I get things done and have switched jobs until I found one that is set up this way. In addition, my ds is pretty good at this, but my dd is useless at planning in advance. I have completely separated myself from her homework/schoolwork because every time we interacted about it, it resulted in an argument. It took some time and effort to get to a point where I could automatically and without stress remind myself that dd will still succeed in life even if she is not getting the grades that she is capable of. At the end of the day, I feel better and so does she and our relationship is much better. (I still lose it when I find 2 week old rotting lunchbags in her bedroom...not sure if I will ever overcome that one!)
Good luck with all of this. You are making a great start by recognizing that there is a solvable problem.

SofiaAmes Thu 24-Nov-16 22:41:04

I also agree that medication can help. But be careful and observant if you try something new, some of the mood stabilizers can have the unwanted side effect of making some people crabby.
Get your Vitamin D levels checked too.

Openup41 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:43:32

I have never taken medication - I have struggled with depression for almost 30 years. I also have many traits of the Aspergers syndrome which explains alot . I always felt wrong growing up, I looked wrong, I acted wrong.

I do not want my children to despise me as they grow up. I cannot control my emotions so need help whether self-help or via a specialist.

I have OCD so snap when the house is not in order. Unrealistic with two children under ten.

Openup41 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:45:15

Thank you so much for your advice. I really do appreciate it. flowersflowers

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Fri 25-Nov-16 04:51:09

Why have you not taken medication?
You say thirty years of depression.
When did you recognise the way you feel is depression?

I do understand the reluctance to admit depression as there is an awful stigma. Also the idea of being dosed on Prozac has a vey bad press. But meds can and do help. Even if it takes a bit of time to get them right.

shuijiao Fri 25-Nov-16 05:54:02

You might not be choosing to behave towards your family like that, but if you don't seek help you are choosing not to do anything about it.

20 years later your children won't be very interested in the excuse of poor mental health, if you have never done anything to help yourself.

Self help is not going to cut it. Seek professional help.

JenBehavingBadly Fri 25-Nov-16 12:07:30

If you can control your emotions with people outside of the family when you're at work and with people who you don't know, then you can control your emotions in the family as well. I wonder if you've got into this habit of taking everything out on your family and you can't get out of it.

I think you're right that you will need some help to deal with this. Whether this is looking at treatment for depression, counselling or even anger management.

What strategies do you use at work and with strangers to stop yourself being snappy? Can you use those in the home environment too?

SofiaAmes Fri 25-Nov-16 16:00:17

I have a couple of friends who have found a new successful life after starting, as adults, to take ADD medication. Please go and get yourself assessed. Research the best in your area and pay to have it done privately if you need to. It will change your life for the better.

Albadross Fri 25-Nov-16 17:05:48

I have exactly this experience and was diagnosed with every MH issue going - now 20 years later it's looking more likely that I might also have ASD.

Home is where you feel 'safe' to let out what you have to keep in all day. Many people don't realise they're doing it, but if you have insight but no control maybe there's something else going on.

threemoregoals Fri 25-Nov-16 20:21:24

I don't want to pester you, bust honestly meds are really worth considering. It takes commitment - you might have a month or two of terrible sleep, or other weird side effects, but if after a few months you are able to be more patient and sympathetic with your children, you will feel so much better. What do you have to lose?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now