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Crippling jealousy

(9 Posts)
FrazzleRock Wed 23-Nov-16 15:32:13

I don't really know how to deal with this.

I've written many threads about our MMC in February followed by an early MC in May. Then the decision by DP to put TTC on hold for the foreseeable future (possibly forever depending on financial issues).

Since DP has said no more TTC I have suffered with this awful jealousy. When I hear of a new pregnancy announcement my chest tightens and I get a horrid metal taste in my mouth and I just feel this overwhelming intense inner pain like my insides are breaking.
Since DP's decision, my Ex-H announced his GF's pregnancy, our mutual friends announced theirs, and DP's step sister and her husband announced theirs.
I have cried every single day for six months. It is crippling. My GP has put me on a mild dose of prozac and I haven't cried for five days, but I still feel the pain.
The problem is we have a family event to go to on Saturday where DP's step sister and husband will be. I am feeling incredibly anxious about it.
His family have not been hugely supportive of our losses, in fact they don't believe that our babies were babies (even though his dad was signing off on messages to us with 'grandad xx' before we lost them) and they don't understand why we, or especially I, have found it so hard.
They think I am scaring the step sister by raising awareness on FB and that I have forced her to hide me.
Basically I feel like I am the big bad wolf.

This combined with the jealousy is really worrying me. I just know that the family will all be pandering to the step sister and talking about the baby (naturally) and I'll be sitting there inhaling alcohol to try and numb the pain.

I'm really not looking forward to it sad How do I overcome this?

StefCWS Wed 23-Nov-16 15:39:57

its ok to feel like this, its perfectly normal. I have lost 2 babies this year and in the meantime close friends and family have announced how gushfully happy they are that they are expecting and the jealousy is hard to handle. I promise its normal , im so sorry for your loss.

FrazzleRock Wed 23-Nov-16 15:45:31

I am so sorry Stef. I am glad I am not alone in this. I just wish the family could understand why I am feeling this way.
It has also been six months since our last loss and the jealousy and empty feeling left by my babies is not getting any easier.
I know I need to give the meds a chance to work but I am so tired of feeling like this.

I want to be happy for others and be excited for them like I used to be.

dangermouseisace Wed 23-Nov-16 20:59:08

frazzle I'm so sorry for your losses. I've not been in your position, however, I have had close friends who had miscarriages whilst I was pregnant/had babies and I know they found it tremendously difficult for a long time- because they told me at the time. A very close friend couldn't physically be around me at all for about a year- that was completely understandable and I was glad she was able to tell me what was going on, and not putting herself through hell unnecessarily. 6 months is hardly any time at all, it must all be so raw for you. You are perfectly right in putting things on FB- people don't talk about MC enough and they suffer in silence and without the sensitivity that should be given to grieving parents. As others have said it is ok to feel like this. Don't be cross at yourself, be mad at DP's family for being so insensitive! Do what you have to to get through the family event- just think of yourself and looking after yourself for that occasion. Do you have to go? Can you just say you're not well (you're not after all). Why put yourself through it? There will be other family occasions when you might be feeling a bit more positive.

dangermouseisace Wed 23-Nov-16 21:00:37

sorry that's not clear- if you are going to the event, do what you have to do to get through it, but if there is any way of avoiding it, surely that would be preferable?

myoriginal3 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:08:11

I would not class that as jealousy.
Mourning and pain.
Don't use that word. It's not accurate.
Much love and healing to you.

FrazzleRock Thu 24-Nov-16 09:13:03

I have to go. There is no getting out of it. Mainly because I already pulled the plug on a family get together a few weeks ago.

I've spoken about this before but we had arranged to meet up with DP's parents for a curry locally to us, then DP extended the invite to the rest of his family and the step sister and her husband piped up and said they'd love to join us. I freaked out, messaged DP and told him I don't know if I am ready to deal with it and that perhaps I could pretend I'm ill.
Before consulting me he told his family "Frazzle's not coming"
This is what started all this. The step sister's husband said they don't want to be the ones to push me away but that I need to face them sooner or later. Then it came out that the step sister had to hide me on FB because I was scaring her.
DP told me she needs protecting, not me (I don't even know what this means). DP's dad told him about the family treading on eggshells around us, that they feel like they can't talk to us about their feelings on the subject. That I keep saying 'talking helps' but that they can't talk to us because they might offend us with their opinions on miscarriage. I don't even know why they would want to upset us with their opinions on the subject.
It's so fucked up.
They make me I feel like I'm being silenced, that I am over reacting and that I should be ok by now. His dad said we should get rid of all our memories of our babies (such as the tree we planted) because it is prolonging things.

We did eventually feel so bad about that family meet up that we invited the step sister and her husband round to ours for lunch a couple of weeks ago. The day was fine, they were very considerate but I crumbled when they left, then a couple of days later I hit rock bottom again. That is when I decided to talk to my GP about taking ADs.

Honestly, I am amazed by his family's reaction to our pain. I always saw them as such a loving, caring and understanding family. His dad suffers with depression himself and his step mum has experienced miscarriage. It doesn't make sense.
I feel like there will be this elephant in the room from now on and I don't know how to deal with it and I certainly do not know how the hell I'm going to get through Saturday.

dangermouseisace Your message was so touching. Coming from someone 'on the other side' it really means such a lot. You sound like a wonderful friend.

myoriginal3 It feels like jealousy though. I look at them and desperately want what they have. But then I spoke to a psychotherapist last night who said something like "If I was starving and I saw someone else eating I would feel like that too"

Zoflorabore Fri 25-Nov-16 06:24:02

Hi op, I'm sorry for your losses sad

I was pregnant in 2010 and miscarried at 11 weeks, due to various issues I had to undergo surgery to remove the baby, one day after that we received a round robin text from sil announcing " it's a boy blah blah " they had 2 little girls.
It just felt so bloody insensitive.

We too decided to give up for a while after the mc and the first time afterwards, with contraception, we conceived dd! She is 6 in February.

It was a massive shock and I spent the whole pregnancy in a state of anxiety and then my Dm died when I was 23 weeks pg.

Please don't give up on your dream, my lovely Dm had a phrase that she always used to say which drove me mad but now I fully understand it.

She said " what's for you won't go against you " and it's true.

Very best of luck to you xx

Zoflorabore Fri 25-Nov-16 06:25:08

Sorry just to clarify the text from sil was following her 20 week scan.

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