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Really struggling with the winter(11 Posts)
Hi, I wondered if I could post for support.
I suffer a really strange cycle where periodically I will be absolutely convinced that life is hopeless and I might as well walk into the sea. If I hang on it passes, as suddenly as it comes on. I suspect it may be hormonal but I've never heard of anyone else with PMS that makes them suicidal rather than raging. So the immediate job is to get from one breath to the next and say 'this too will pass.'
I am very fearful that next time - or the time after - or the time after that, I will forget that it passes and give in.
On top of that I mainly have outdoor hobbies and clubs and these things fall to a minimum in winter. I live alone with a dog, and I find myself starting to resent him because he prevents me from going out to clubs or hobbies in the winter - I have no-one to keep him company. Obviously this is horrible and wrong. But winter is one long session of house arrest apart from work.
I have tried talking therapies, ADs and psychodrama. Years of talking.
Sadly the objective facts behind my despair are unalterable: I am single, I have no family, I have no partner, and no local friends. I meet a lot of people and they seem to like me but I can't take the step to a closer relationship. I met someone online recently who was a great match in many respects but I have had to block because he does not respect my boundaries. I know that if I gave in he would leap at the chance of being my partner but that would be at the cost of my self-respect.
I don't want to go back on ADs, I hated them.
I am at a loss. I am really quite afraid that I will literally lose the will to live. Because it is an act of will at the moment.
I am sorry this is long.
That's shit. I know the fear that one day you might forget that the feelings clear, it worries me too.
I've heard of PMS making people suicidal. I think you should get yourself to the GP. Also there's a few different types of ADs, lots of people have to try a few. But if it's hormonal there might be other treatments for it.
Immediately, can you find some indoor activities of your dog would be okay for a couple of hours? Any old shite like WI would get you out and socialising even if it's not really your cup of tea. What can you do to look after yourself and keep yourself feeling half normal? For me it's good sleep, delicious food and getting wrapped up and just going it for a few hours.
Thanks, Scooby. I work so he is already on his own too long. If I could find someone to dog sit that would help. Maybe I should start with that.
That link above also mentions that general mood disorders like depression can be made worse at different points in your cycle - there was a fancy name for it but I forgot it in the time it took me to copy and paste it.
Getting a dog sitter sounds like a positive step. Have you done CBT? I know you said you'd done loads of talking therapies I just thought I'd double check because that's the one I found most useful.
Have you looked at the online dating threads on here? I think people normally have to sift through a lot of people to find someone normal, nice and compatible. My Mum spent about 5 years on and off with online dating and she did meet someone lovely. You defiantly did the right thing by stopping contact with someone who didn't respect your boundaries. That'd be a rubbish start to a relationship if you ignored that.
What's your work situation like is that okay? Being lonely is hard but you deserve to be happy and I'm sure you can be happy even if your on your own.
Definitely not defiantly. And ignore all the terrible grammar. Just imagine there are more commas in that last post!
work is OK, it is good for me because it brings me into contact with lots of people but on the down side I earn half what I earned ten years ago, I got into an emotionally abusive relationship and it cost me my career, he made it so difficult to work the hours and the flexibility it needed and like a total idiot I gave it up for him. I try not to dwell on it and focus on making the most of the path I am on. But I hate having to count every penny. I do know I have it better than many, I have a secure place to live and no-one depending on my income. But it is my greatest regret.
That's a shame you had the misfortune of coming across one of those. I'm sure when you gave that particular career path up you were doing it to be kind/keep the peace. It's not like you were being lazy, it wasn't your fault you were manipulated. I was seeing someone like that when I was in college and he cocked up my A levels. I still did alright but I should've done a lot better. I remember him trying to persuade me not to go to university. Thankfully I was stubborn enough about going, and that's when I was free of him. I bet he went on to try and cock up women's careers, the little prick.
It's good you get people contact in work though.
I think you'll be fine. You need to plough through the winter. It'll be gone by in a few months. Could you keep a mood diary for a couple of months so when you have the really bad days, you'll have written evidence that you've got through them and they've passed?
Do you ski? I find a week in blinding light of sinlit snow is a wonderful tonic... And the apres ski padty also helps..
I tried snowboarding once, I like the mountains but have no gift for sliding down them!
Thanks for the links, Scooby - I will try the calcium supplement, it will be interesting as I don't drink milk so maybe am not getting enough.
Talking of milk and calcium...
The body makes it using vitamin D... New research is finding that D is responsible for far more than just producing calcium. Given your description of living indoors during winter ... suggest you get your vitamin D levels checked out.
Actually that goes for everyone who is feeling down..
Have you thought of going to a dog training class? You would take the dog with you and meet other dog lovers - maybe agility classes?
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