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Longterm anxiety, shitty year, and now this

(31 Posts)
Dobbyandme Mon 21-Nov-16 19:25:50

Not sure what I really want out of this thread, perhaps I need to pull up my big girl pants, maybe it's a handhold. Or just to vent.

I'm a longterm sufferer of anxiety and have been treated for depression in the past as well.

After a rough pregnancy and difficult labour (with fairly lengthy recovery) I gave birth to my PFB last year, and shortly after that I lost my Grandmother, who I was really close to, to a vicious combination of Dementia and Psychosis.

Following her death I went NC with my emotionally abusive parents. The NC makes life difficult as I don't go out anywhere in our town as I can't face the idea of running in to them. Even popping out for milk and bread feels fairly traumatic. We're moving away soon so this should ease up.

I know that on the grand scale of things these aren't big issues and there are people so much worse off. My little girl has been my ray of sunshine and kept me going this last year and a bit. Now she's displaying symptoms of hip dysplasia. I'm having her seen at the end of the week to see if further investigation is necessary. There are worse things, and even if my fears are confirmed I will count us lucky.

But I don't feel too positive right now. And everytime I feel the damned thing click my heart breaks a little. I feel like I want to throw things, smash things, break things.

My support network is quite small, just inlaws and DH.. In-laws are amazing but facing their own problems right now. And DH is wonderful, he tries so hard, but doesn't understand mental health all that well. At the moment I feel like there's no one I can just cry at. He's shrugging this latest off, I think because if he gives credit to my worries I go into overdrive and he's trying to keep me levelheaded. But I feel really alone right now.

Anyway, if you made it this far thank you for listening.

AnxiousCarer Mon 21-Nov-16 22:46:44

flowers glad that you are moving, as it sounds like this will make things easier. Have you had any councelling? This might be helpful to help you work through the issues behind your anxiety. Have you seen your GP recently, they may be able to help too.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 21-Nov-16 22:49:22

We are here to help as best we can over the internet...

Dobbyandme Mon 21-Nov-16 23:24:51

Can't bold as on phone but:

Anxious - I had counselling for rape (I was a teen at the time) in my early twenties when I was younger and I found it useless. Probably because I know deep down that in the scheme of my own mental health it's irrelevant (which is why this may now seem like a massive dripfeed). My problems started in my childhood and the rape occured because of the problems I was having at home. I don't blame myself but I almost looked for the "wrong" crowd and picked an arsehole for a boyfriend. Arseholes were the only type of people I really felt comfortable with as it's all I knew. Counselling is something I should probably revisit, as is contact with a GP. I came off my medication for my pregnancy and was relatively "normal" before the shit hit the fan. Unfortunately I share a GP surgery with my family and that puts it in my Danger Zone. It's on my list of high priorities once I move. Just got to get through Christmas. Thank you for hopping on to my crazy train.

Beingdifferent, thank you too.

I don't expect miracles over the internet. But there's people online. Actual people, albeit in a virtual setting. I don't get to have actual adult conversations very often these days. I relied heavily on my SureStart Centre for support and company and unfortunately they've closed all the nearby ones where I am which has left me without an outlet for my issues in the short term.

I'm not a danger to myself or my daughter, luckily I've never had suicidal or violent thoughts as many do, and I grew up with a sort of emotional forcefield that others couldn't see in to so I'm able to hide my anxiety from my daughter.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Tue 22-Nov-16 07:22:48

Families ... who would have them? We are always fed ideas of perfect mum and dad with loving children and cuddly pets who live in clean houses in nice neighbourhoods...

The reality is somewhat different.

Looking at what you have written about yours, I can understand your discomfort when I think about mine. They are totally dysfunctional. Dad a bully, suster is a hypocrite, mum is emotionally abused, brother is agressive and unpleasant... They celebrated? 60 years the other day.. I am the only child who has stayed married. But we don't count as we are not wheeler dealer types who lie and cheat. I could go on, but what's the point?

Mine really mess my head up, so I can understand why yours don't help.

Dobbyandme Tue 22-Nov-16 09:54:38

Sounds like yours are about as much fun as mine Beingdifferent.

But you get out and make your own family and try to find peace somehow I guess. I'll find my peace but it isn't in this town.

My little girl is perfect and if we end up having a diagnosis of hip dysplasia she'll still be perfect. I just hate the idea of her having to face it at this age. If we tackled it later it could have further health implications so best that it's done now. But she wouldn't understand why she wouldn't be able to walk and play normally for a while when she's so used to it now. That would be hard on us all. And it sounds selfish but I feel like I've had enough to deal with already and the possibility of having to deal with any more is unnerving and upsetting.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Tue 22-Nov-16 17:24:07

What is hip dysplasia ?

I know I can google it?

ihatethecold Tue 22-Nov-16 17:40:49

take one thing at a time.
When will you get a firm diagnosis for your dd?
You are already doing something positive by moving.
Your daughters treatment will help her and that's important for her future.
Anxiety really is a bugger but you can make choices to avoid situations that cause you anxiety, as you already are by going NC.
Well done on that by the way.

Dobbyandme Tue 22-Nov-16 19:39:24

Beingdifferent, hip dysplasia is basically where the ball doesn't fit in the socket properly or at all (at all being worst case). Prior to six months of age the prognosis is brilliant after shortterm use of a special harness for the legs. Upwards of six moths can be a little bit trickier, from closed surgery with a waist to toe cast for a few weeks a up to open surgery with a cast for several months or longer.

Ihate, goodness knows about a full diagnosis. At the moment I've noticed symptoms and health visitor is coming at the end of the week to either rule it out or refer for ultrasound/xray. So it's by no means certain. But the mere possibility coupled with my anxiety is something I'm finding quite distressing. Thank you for the praise on my NC.

ihatethecold Tue 22-Nov-16 19:45:44

Do you have any coping strategies in place to help with your anxiety?

Dobbyandme Tue 22-Nov-16 20:33:54

I crochet as I find it relaxes me, breathing techniques, DH takes her while I cook as I love cooking, I try to get out for fresh air everyday even if it's standing in a rain jacket in the pissing rain in the garden. I know they aren't medical therapies but I find them useful.

I know I need to cut back on caffeine, but that's a vicious cycle. I get anxious, can't sleep properly, wake up knackered, drink a bucket of coffee to get me through.

I could do with more exercise and I know that would help. I intend to start running again and find a new yoga class once we've made the move. I gave both up as I feel so uncomfortable here.

I'm open to any other ideas though Ihate...

ihatethecold Tue 22-Nov-16 21:02:24

I only have decaf hot drinks
If I drink a caffeine one I get horrible physical anxiety.
Maybe you could try switching?
Or reducing your caffeine intact to see if it helps.

Dobbyandme Tue 22-Nov-16 21:06:52

I can't drink decaf tea or coffee because I can definitely taste a difference. I find them awful. I do like camomile and fruit teas though so next time we do the food shop I'll switch. I could drink more water as well. My liquid intake is the poorest part of my diet. I just find I need to pee so bloody often!! A vitamin D supplement wouldn't go amiss either I suspect.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Tue 22-Nov-16 21:43:15


Understanding your discomfort at the idea if the upcoming diagnosis, the one ray of light is that none of can actually remember anything of our childhood until age about five. (from google). Thus whilst DD may get very upset and.almost certqinly cry a lot if she is given a brace, or cast... She won't remember it in years to come.

And yes, decaf tastes different to proper coffee. I find a metalic after taste.

ihatethecold Tue 22-Nov-16 22:02:44

Millicano decaf coffee isn't too bad.

Dobbyandme Wed 23-Nov-16 19:09:13

Thought I'd responded here last night but clearly my phone has failed me. I'll give the Millicano a go Ihate.

Beingdifferent, oddly enough when faced with a definitive answer I'm fine, it's the not knowing that is a stressor for me.

Dobbyandme Fri 25-Nov-16 13:08:39

Just an update really. Health visitor has been this morning and has confirmed that we need to go to the next stage, which is GP to determine whether or not we need an orthopaedic doctor. There is potential for hip dysplasia and also scoliosis.

We have an appointment in a couple of weeks time with GP.

I'm not sure how I feel just yet, although in a way I'm relieved to know that I'm not being paranoid.

ihatethecold Fri 25-Nov-16 16:00:28

Thanks for the update, Do you have any nice plans for the weekend to take your mind of it?

Dobbyandme Fri 25-Nov-16 16:47:48

I've got myself some busy times over the next few days. We've got Christmas shopping on Saturday, dejunking on Sunday, starting to pack and meeting up with some Mummy friends we made at the SureStart Centre next week some time, and then we've got a visit to see Santa (sooooo excited about this, although she's still too young to understand, it's more for me really) next Saturday, probably round the InLaws next Sunday and then the appointment is on the Tuesday.

In the evenings I'm crocheting some extra prezzies for DH's family and obviously my DD keeps me busy most of the time anyway.

Nights are going to be the hardest I think until our appointment. I look like a walkng zombie at the moment!!

ihatethecold Fri 25-Nov-16 19:03:09

Sounds lovely.

papercrane Fri 25-Nov-16 19:41:27

Just wanted to say that my son was diagnosed with hip dysplasia at just over a year old and he coped incredibly well with it and was walking around in his cast eventually. Children are so adaptable, they just live in the moment and get on with things. He was in it for three months and it was SO daunting at the start but we all got used to it pretty quickly and the time went fast too. Hope it's not dysplasia but if it is I promise it won't be as bad as you're imagining, at all.

Dobbyandme Fri 25-Nov-16 20:48:52

Papercrane, thank you for sharing that with me. I wasn't going to disclose this as it would probably out me with other posts, but bugger it.

I've had idiopathic scoliosis for a number of years and opted out of treatment. When it was discovered I was at that stupid age where appearance really starts to mean something. I've stupidly visited Doctor Google in the last few days and I've read that scoliosis and dyplasia sometimes cause each other.

As most of my pain is in my left hip, which pops, I've been left wondering if there's more to my own condition than previously discovered.

It's reassuring that dysplasia isn't as bad as I've been thinking so thank you so much for that. I'm very concerned now though that my DD may also have the same condition I have, and because of her age I know treatment would potentially last until her late teenage years.

I have no idea whether a condition like this that affects me and potentially my firstborn may impact on any future children (which I so desperately want).

I'm getting myself in a bit of a faff tonight to be honest.


papercrane Fri 25-Nov-16 21:25:42

You're welcome Dobby. I'm also feeling pretty down tonight so we can keep each other company! I don't know anything about idiopathic scoliosis unfortunately but if your daughter has a dysplasia, the treatment she has now (whether it's an operation - 'open reduction' or they can just pop it back - 'closed reduction') should be all she needs. I think very occasionally they have to do a follow up operation at a later age but usually it's fine after it's been treated. My son has a yearly checkup and that's it, most of the time I completely forgot he has it.

If it is the condition you have, at least she will be having treatment from a young age which should really lessen the impact and hopefully mean she won't have problems with it.

I also don't know about future children and a genetic link but I think it's more than likely to be ok and it's something they would pay close attention to in any future pregnancies. I had a difficult birth with my son and I know that is considered a risk factor for dysplasia, you mentioned something similar. Mine affected me mentally and physically and I can relate to a lot in your posts actually flowers.

Sorry not to be of more practical help as obviously I'm not medically trained but I think the answers you get are likely to be more reassuring than you think.

papercrane Fri 25-Nov-16 21:26:44

God I'm writing badly today blush

Dobbyandme Fri 25-Nov-16 21:41:19

Scoliosis would likely be an operation or two so it looks like we could be in for a run of it. It's an abnormal curvature of the spine.

Doctor Google says there is a genetic link so any other children may have a predisposition.

My amniotic fluid was full of blood, placebta was knackered and I finished up with a postdural headache likely caused by my stupid scoliosis causing the cushioning fluid sack to be in the wrong place. I was layed up for weeks afterwards.

If you're feeling down Papercrane, is it anything you want to talk about? A hijack wouldn't bother me in the slightest!

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