Postnatal depression - advice/stories of hope?

[makeupmum23]

Hi,

Just a little background - About a month ago I was diagnosed with postnatal depression although really I'd been suffering for a few months prior to that, I had just been to scared to go to my GP. My son is now 8 months old, soon to be 9 months.

My partner and I split up the day before I went to my GP. We simply weren't getting along anymore and worked much better as friends than a couple, so after a few days of tears I accepted that the best thing for our son was for us to separate.

My son's dad has now moved out obviously and so I've been doing 90% of the parenting ever since - he would be in and out of jobs, unemployed for weeks at a time, so able to see our son but still offered little to no support.

I've been taking my medication as prescribed by my GP and my health visitors will pop over regularly and are always on hand if I need them so I have been feeling more positive about things but sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get better.

I am mortified to say this but my partner actually phoned the police on me the other night because he was worried I was going to kill myself or harm our son because I was sending him very worrying texts and I was scared that I would end my life. I just go into a frenzy and can't stop myself from sending nasty texts mostly because I'm bitter about the fact i'm the one who is doing EVERYTHING for our son while he galavants around with his new younger girlfriend. He does love our son very much but isn't doing nearly as much as he should - I have accepted that I am basically on my own in raising our son.

Can anyone share their experiences of PND so I know I'm not the only one out there who has gone into a complete meltdown over the slightest thing? I'm not a nasty vile person but recently I feel like the old me no longer exists... I'm trying SO hard to get better, I take my medication (I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow about possibly upping my dosage or changing medication) , I even got myself and my son dressed and ready and walked to a local baby group all by myself with no encouragement which was a huge step for me and I got speaking to a mum there and it really helped me, but then today when I was due to go to the group again I just couldn't bring myself to go and spent half an hour crying and I couldn't even look at my son.

I know I am a good Mum. I love my son more than anything, we have an amazing bond and I know that he loves me, everyone comments on how happy and smiley he is and tells me I'm doing a good job. I feel so guilty when people tell me what a breeze he is because he IS an easy baby - yes of course he cries and doesn't sleep through the night but from day one he has been a happy healthy baby so I know I am incredibly lucky and shouldn't complain but sometimes I feel like he would be better off without me.

Has anyone experienced PND and recovered? I feel like i'm stuck like this forever. I want the old me back, I feel lost and out of control...Please no nasty comments, I'm just a new mum looking for advice or any stories of hope that will help!

Thank you :)

[CantGetNoSleeeeeeep]

Hey, so sorry no one has replied to you hope you are okay. I had a late diagnosis of PND my DS was same age as yours. It was a very hard time in my life but you will get better! The medication takes a while to kick in, give it time. I also did talks my therapies. I self referred online NHS. 20 sessions of counselling really helped.
Get out every day and be with other mums, without all those random mums at baby groups I'd have been a lot worse!
One day at a time. You WILL get there xx

[CantGetNoSleeeeeeep]

Talking therapies! Bloody spell check!

[makeupmum23]

Thank you for your response. In the last few days I have been feeling a bit better, i've managed to get a bit more me time than I usually do so I feel a bit more relaxed and hopefully the medication will make more of a difference in time! Yes, I'm going to try my best to get out to a group on Monday and have some other things on that week that will keep me busy. Thanks again :) Glad you made it through the dark times xxx