Everyone is crying

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

Just need to tell someone, anyone how I'm feeling.
My three and a half week old daughter has been breast feeding almost continually for the last 36 hours, had about four hours (not in a block) where she hasn't been on the breast. She's even been sleeping on the breast but crying the second I take it from her mouth. So I cant put her down, sleep, eat, anything because she cries.

Now my dog has started crying because her dad shouted because he is fed up and angry because I wont give DD a dummy (really don't want to). Its already killing me to give her 3 bottles of formula (she usually sleeps away from me for 60-90 mins after she's had one hence why I have been giving them her)

She's healthy, lots of wet nappies, gaining weight but has reflux so is on infant Gaviscon 3 times a day (this is the other reason for the bottles, only way she will accept the gaviscon) and now she's only pooping once a day. Huge poop doctor said not to worry and keep up as we are. There's tons of milk because even when she has finished feeding and I try expressing I can get a lot out, never actually managed to empty the breast? Feeding support worker said I just have a large supple and am fast at replenishing?
Just made up her bottle and she cried the whole time I was making it, ddog has been crying for the last half hour because of dp shouting. I have fairly bad post natal, saw doctor and on lofepramine along with ptsd caused by traumatic experience with dd1 and her following death. Keep having flashbacks. Supposed to be under the perinatal mental health team, they saw me for an assessment while I was pregnant and said I needed support but haven't spoken to me since apart from 5 mins on the phone last week when I had my doctors appointment. Struggling with thoughts of SH, used to have issues with this.

DD has just finished her bottle and now wants back on the breast, just cant stop crying, feel like an awful mom. I know she is gaining weight so she must be getting enough milk but the constant feeding is now making me doubt myself. Feel so lost and alone. I love her so much I just want her to be happy

Sorry for the rant just needed to let it out somewhere.

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi, big hugs to you . I don't have any experience with babies, but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with DD. Have you got any numbers to ring to contact your MH team? It sounds like you could do with more input. I get urges to self harm too, its so tough. My therapist said its a (maladaptive) coping mechanism, like alcohol etc. So no wonder you are getting these thoughts when things are so tough at the moment.

If things get really tough and you are worried about keeping yourself and DD safe then go to a&e, they will help to keep you safe whist they get you more support. Do you have the crisis team number if you need it? It can normally be found online or through your local hospital switchboard. Or there's Samaritans if you need someone to talk to too. And keep talking on here.

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

The only number I have for the mh team isn't being answered. Even the doctors have called them told them I need support now and they just wont contact me. I don't understand why and nor do docs. I had issues stopping sh when I was younger took years and I'm terrified I'm going to start again.

I'm not worried about her, I'd never hurt her or do anything that would harm her but I'm worried about myself. Hospital isn't really an option round here. Nearest one in almost 20 miles and I don't drive. I've phoned the docs and waiting for a call back but nothing so far.

Thankyou for replying

[AnxiousCarer]

I don't think for a minute that you would hurt DD, more that if you hurt yourself it might be difficult to care for her. Glad that you are in touch with Dr. Your health visitor is another avenue you could go down. Remember when you feel the urge set yourself a target of waiting 5,10,15 mins, whatever feels manageable. If you can wait that long you can set yourself another target. Is there anything you can use to distract yourself, I know it might be tricky with your arms full of DD, how about counting any hairs she has, counting her fingers and toes. Counting her/your breathing. Thinking about what she smells like, what her skin feel like to touch. Keep talking

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

Just had a call back from the doctors, he's annoyed, been in touch with the mh team and they " will be discussing what support they can offer me on Wednesday". They've been saying this for almost three months. His hands are tied till then so he says all he can do is tell me to phone 999 if I get any worse.

My health visitor is coming out tomorrow but she's useless, she knows I'm struggling but just keeps saying I have to wait for mh team.

Listening to her breathing and holding her little hand in mine right now.

I'm terrified they are going to decide I'm a bad mum because of this and take her away.

[KittyandTeal]

Wow, well I just want to say considering your circumstances and the lack of support it should like you're doing brilliantly, not that it must feel like it.

Do you have a partner who can feed you? My dd1 was like this for stints and it was so hard. In the end I ended up in bed, co sleeping, watching box sets and feeding her. Dh would feed me, I would sometimes manage a very quick shower. It wasn't that intense for more than a few days. I do remember just how awfully hard it is. I also suffered pnd which in itself is soul destroying.

Take every min at a time. Try not to stress about anything other than your baby. If she cries while you're doing a bottle, while it is horrid to hear, it won't damage her.

I absolutely understand the heartbreak over bottles and dummies, I was the same, but looking back I realise I was a little unreasonable because of the pnd and I do wish I'd given her a dummy just to save my sanity a bit.

[pontificationcentral]

They aren't going to take her away.
I would consider a dummy though.
In your circumstances I lasted six weeks, and eventually my lovely friend found me sobbing into the washing up, and kidnapped us both to her place for a Chinese takeaway. Dd screamed for two hours solid despite me trying to feed her etc - every time I put her down she screamed. Lovely friend offered me one of her ds's freshly sterilized newborn dummies. I spent another twenty minutes saying how much dh and I didn't want to use them etc etc, and dd kept on screaming. In the end we decided to give it a go, in the name of scientific experiment.
The child took about a minute to take the dummy and fall asleep. The poor baby was so relieved.
It didn't affect my milk supply, my bond with her or anything - in fact, it made her calm enough that we could bond properly instead of me being on a knife edge and trying to stop her from screaming the whole time.
Sometimes a dummy really does help - as soon as realised that it made no actual difference except to enable her to relax, I lost my irrational fear of the things.
Good luck with your my appointment, but in the meantime - scientific experimentation with a newborn dummy will harm no one. And it just might make it easier both you and baba.
Congratulations on your wee dd, and I'm sorry life has been so hard this far xx

[TanteJeanne]

This is such a difficult time and you have very little support. While waiting for the professionals to get their arse in gear, is there anyone else you can ask to come and just be with you while you go through this- to make drinks, get the remote control, walk the dog and chat to you?
Don't have any expectations beyond getting through the next couple of days, one hour at a time.
You are doing so well in such difficult circumstances- xxx

[FATEdestiny]

I wont give DD a dummy (really don't want to)

Why?

Babies are biologically programmed to take comfort from sucking.

Dummies lower SIDS risk.

Dummies are the easiest way to teach independant settling to sleep.

Dummies are the simplest no crying sleep solution.

Middle-class nose crunching at dummy use can fick right off on my opinion.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Does she actually want a feed or is she mistaking reflux pain for hunger?
Would it be worth wearing her in a sling upright for a bit after feeds? It may not happen with the formula because it's thicker?

You have my complete sympathy, DS2 didn't stop crying for six months. I found the Crysis helpline a real sanity saver.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

Dp lives with me but he really hasn't been much support. On the odd occasion I can put her down the washing up and laundry still need doing, bottles sterilising etc. Its meals that take it out of me because I'm cooking for him and by the time I've cooked she needs me again so I end up abandoning mine to look after her, then by the next time I can put her down its cold and congealed and I can't bear to eat it. He's snoring right now.

I'm going to have to try a dummy, I really didn't want to before six weeks but I just don't know what else to do

Thankyou everyone for replying and being so kind

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

Fate I didn't mean to offend anyone over the dummy issue I'm certainly not middle class nose scrunching or judging anyone who uses one I just wanted to avoid it because of difficulties with breast feeding and missing feeding cues.

Bishop definitely hungry, she's not throwing anything up apart from small amounts of posseting after her bottle. I keep her upright against me as much as I can because it does seem to help with the grimacing after feeds.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Ok. Keep being kind to yourself. If you are really anti dummy I'll respect that but don't be hard on yourself if you do try it. Fwiw my 2 that didn't take a dummy found their fingers which as they had a bone in them were far more dentally damaging than DD had with her dummies.

Fair dos with the reflux, wasn't sure if it was silent or not.

The Crysis line may be worth a try whilst you wait for the mh services to kick in (the wait is completely unacceptable but I know with mh issues when you most need help you're least able to fight for it).

Oh and STOP cooking for DP, let him feed himself (and cook for you) OR he can give you a break and do the bottle feeds you give. He needs to step up biiiig time.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Looking at your list he can also wash up and do the laundry. Utterly not on for him to be snoring whilst you're at the end of your rope and not eating properly.

[KittyandTeal]

Fate having a go at someone who is obviously struggling and low isn't very helpful. When you have pnd you can get fixated on random things that would make you a 'bad parent'. For me it was bottle feeding and dummies, however, I oddly never judged anyone else for doing it, in fact I was jealous.

Pnd doesn't make sense and if you're going to be offended maybe it's better to just not comment.

Crazy is you dh deliberately unhelpful or just clueless? Can you give him a list if things to do? My dh was in such a tiz when dd1 was born, just like me, that it took a while for him to work out how was best to help.

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

I don't think I have a choice at this point with the dummy, its a shame because i know giving her one so soon can stop her breast feeding but I really don't know what else to do.

How do I get the crysis line number? Doctor is phoning me back on Wednesday to check they have actually contacted me so I'm hoping I will have some support by then.

If I don't cook he won't eat anything, he has some mh issues himself and self care is where he struggles. I have to do it all for him. Sorry didn't explain that earlier

[mumonashoestring]

If it helps, DS was a little bugger for loooong feeds and not wanting to be away from me between them. Giving him a dummy made no difference to him feeding, he continued to bf until 18 months. Swaddling also helped - he'd settle much quicker when laid down if he was swaddled in a light cotton square so he still felt 'secure'. Your HV should be able to show you how to swaddle your gorgeous little bundle.

If your DH is struggling with self-care, is there something else he could do to take a little of the pressure off you? Could he cope with heating microwave meals if prompted?

Oh, and cry-sis is 08451 228 669

[Stormtreader]

"If I don't cook he won't eat anything, he has some mh issues himself and self care is where he struggles"

Is it that it doesnt occur to him to eat, or that he actually isnt capable of putting any kind of meal together? If he just doesnt do it, it would surely be easier to ask him to do it every day if necessary rather than doing it on top of everything else. Same with the washing etc, there must be some of what youre doing that he can do instead?

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

He might heat up ready meals, it had never crossed my mind to try that. He can put together a very basic meal but doesn't see the need even when prompted. I keep asking about the washing and laundry but the reply is always that we need to prioritize sleep and personal time over the chores and having everything dirty just distresses me more because I'm worried about her getting sick if its left.

[Stormtreader]

What if you said "I need to prioritise chores because otherwise the baby will get sick, and I need to eat to make milk to feed the baby. I need you to do these things to help me because I cant do it all by myself"?

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

I will try that. Thankyou, hopefully it will work and get him to see how badly I need his help

[TheFlounder]

DS had a dummy from about 3 days old, he's almost two now and still going strong with the BFing. It sounds like you've got oversupply which can be incredibly frustrating but it honestly will settle and get easier. Don't worry about emptying your breasts, you'll just encourage them to make more milk. I hope things get easier very quickly for you

[FATEdestiny]

Fate having a go...

Urm. Ok then KittyandTeal. Not sure how your projection got you to that conclusion? I was having a go at no one.

CrazyGreyhoundLady - it's ok. I didn't think you of the nose scrunching variety. It makes me and that others get judgy about dummies and that leads to mums feeling guilty for giving baby one.

Completely unnecessarily guilty. Dummies are fantastic, amazing things. Plus they are actively recommended by the NHS to reduce SIDS and also for colic and reflux.

Give baby a dummy. All will be well

[FATEdestiny]

It makes me and mad* that others get judgy

[alltheworld]

My dd was constantly on the boob and had reflux. Breastfeeding consultant said some babies just like to suck..it organises their brain. So tried a dummy. It helped a lot. She still breast fed lots ..in fact to 2 .5 .

[KittyandTeal]

It was the 'nose crunching middle class fucking right off' that made me think you were having a go.

Apologies if I misread the tone but I'm sure you can understand how that might be misconstrued as insinuating the op was one of the middle class nose crunchers.