So stressy I don't know what to do with myself

[HowToHandleIt]

Life has been full on stressful for quite a while. I am being pulled so many ways at the moment. My parents are increasingly unwell and needy (but wont get in any help - other than me!) and my husbands parents ditto. My best friend was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer recently. Another best friend's husband has just left her. I have lost my job due to ill health (it was a temporary job and they didn't renew ) My DH keeps falling out with my teenage son. And I just feel constantly sick and unwell - which I think is because I am so stressed. I just don't know how to control/reduce my anxiety levels, I am already on sertraline for depression, and theoretically it is meant to be good for anxiety too! I used to find exercise helped, but can't at the mo because of my back problems. What can I do to help myself?

[AnxiousCarer]

It all does sound very stressful at the moment. My advice, from experience (and I know it's easier said than done) is that the only way to survive is to put yourself first, look after your own needs and learnbto say no. It's not easy but the parents want help but only from you. If you say no they will have to look for someone else. You can't be expected to support everyone all the time, and if you go under you won't be able to support anyone, so look after yourself first.

[dangermouseisace]

sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment.

You say exercise helped- is there anything that can be done that would be ok for your back? Is your back actually aggravated by stress?

E.g. yoga- if you have severe problems then usually there are remedial classes or most yoga teachers can do 1:1 sessions. Walking/being outside? I find at the moment just being in the woods refreshing- they are so beautiful at present. Can you afford a massage or to see a physio with regards your back or is it beyond that?

With regards yours and DH parents- sorry but you need to put the foot down, very firmly. (I used to do social care assessments). Maybe you need to be clear and say that doing so much is making you unwell and the pressure needs to be taken off a bit- perhaps agree to do something for them once a week/fortnight/month but otherwise you need to source other support. It's too much for you- you have poor health yourself. The last thing they and you need is you becoming so unwell you cannot help them at all, then they all end up having a crisis as well as everything hinges on you. Have you spoken to your local carers centre? They should be an absolute treasure trove of advice as to how to tackle this. Respective parents might be disgruntled at first but they'll get over it and see the benefits, and maybe you can actually enjoy spending time together as a family instead of being run ragged.

[HowToHandleIt]

Thanks, I am trying to learn to say no...but I feel so sorry for the situations that my parents and in laws are in, it's so hard to say no. Being old can be shite

Yes outdoors really helps me too, and when I get time to escape to my allotment it is so calming...I need to really remember that.

thanks both for your replies, I felt better just for writing it down, and will try to take your advice

[dangermouseisace]

Being old is crap indeed OP and it's easy for people like me to say stuff when we don't have the emotional involvement. But in all seriousness I regularly came across older parents in crisis with a burnt out and guilt ridden child (usually daughter) or if 1 of them was ok, partner. But these situations were always positively resolved (fingers crossed things haven't completely changed in the 2 years since I stopped work)

Allotments are great. I used to just go and sit on mine and watch the birds!

Glad you've felt a bit better