The replies with links of organisations and reading other people's experiences has been helpful.
I'm going to contact my uni today as I haven't registered me or DD with a gp yet.
Last night we were talking about what a wonderful and talented person he was. He was very creative. He taught himself the guitar, he was an amazing artist and a great poet and writer he didn't even notice it. He was very sensitive and no doubt would have made a great father.
I'm trying to rationalise as to why he did it. His depression must have caused his brain to stop making serotonin. I wish I could have intervened as I've been a sufferer of severe depression for 10 years. Still battling PND now. But when I'm depressed I feel like I'm the only person on earth suffering. I see other people when they're feeling low and I think to myself, 'why are they so miserable?, they haven't had to deal with what I have'. So it's all very complicated and incomprehensible.
I'm not religious at all, an atheist in fact. I prayed last night and it made me feel better. I prayed that my brother is in heaven and he's guardian to those on earth who are suffering. True or not, it makes my circumstances easier to deal with.
I do have a lot of regrets though. Like not talking to him enough or recognising that he was isolating himself a lot. I wish he held DD more and played with her. But I guess he was feeling anxious. I wanted him to teach play her the guitar, if only I did it sooner. I didn't think he would go, so I was expecting him to be around as she grows up, she's 10 months old.
I saw him smile at her and he laughed when my mum told him about DD doing something funny. I saw how protective he was of her. He stopped her from getting to the bleach in the kitchen and told her that if she did so and so she would hurt herself.
Of everyone in my family I thought I would go by suicide. He had so much going for him, I guess he couldn't see it. He was humble- he wasn't materialistic and knew how to save money, unlike me who's terrible at saving because I have a bad impulse to spend. He was intelligent- I can't even describe what a talented writer he was. He got an A at GCSE. Despite how hard I tried I couldn't even scrape a B. And I liked English. He obviously had a natural flair for the subject.
I would do anything to get him back and I would change so much. I'm so glad that he met his neice and so sad that he won't be able to teach her his talents.
I was looking forward to watching him become someone he wanted to be and not feel 'stuck'. He was only young, 29. He still had time to change he just couldn't wait.
My sister and I want to write an obituary, we want people to know what a amazing person he was. We want to hand out cards with some of his poetry on at his funeral so everyone can see how talented he was. I want to enlarge and canvas every picture I have with my brother. I've even thought about naming my next child, if I have a son after my brother. Maybe I'm going a bit too far....
I'm on a rolls coaster. It really feels like it. When I think of his greatness I feel better, then I ask myself why did he do this and it's the worst feeling in the world.