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Feeling so low and worthless(1 Post)
Hi, I've never posted in this topic before but have suffered with my mental health since I can remember. I've been on 200mg sertraline and 10g lamotrogine for six years now, before that I was on citalopram. Overall I've been on AD's since I was 21, am 32 now. I definitely suffer from depression and anxiety and possibly bipolar, that's what the lamotrigine is for but I'm unsure of the diagnosis as I don't have many highs although I do get some periods where everything seems great and I have more energy, not sure if this is just normality or a high!
I'm going through a bad period now, have two children, 6 and 9 and just feel I am a rubbish mother, I really try, I just feel they would be better off with their dad or without me altogether. I can't explain why, it's just a haunting feeling. I work as a preschool teacher part time and love my job, it gives me great sense of identity and it's something I'm good at, I've just started a postgraduate early years teacher training course to upskill. I'm finding it so pressurised, time for family is just out the window as even when I'm with them I'm stressed out and thinking of what I need to do. I make lists, am organised and getting on with it but I still don't feel in full control of my life.
I have got pressure on me to get a better paid job after the course ends in July, I currently am on minimum wage and husbands earns £24k, we have £3k on credit card which we are able to pay but is worrying me. We have a mortgage but live in such a small house, we have made our room smaller so our youngest has his own space ( children different sexes) but it's like a cupboard. We have no garden and I just feel I'm letting them down. I've had to say we vantage renew there after school activities this half term as we genuinely can't afford it, we only have enough coming in to cover outgoings. I am also stressed about Christmas, don't even know how we can afford it.
I've just had a week off for half term and have spent it being ill, doing work, and just feeling rubbish because I'm not paid for half term. I know I'm working towards something better but I'm worried that as I won't get QTS I won't get a well paid teaching job as the sector is low paid. I just know I need to triple my salary (7,000) for us to be able to afford to move to a three bed house with a garden.
I go to the gym and find that helps massively but havnt been able to go for 8 days because of being so ill, that is adding to my anxiety.
I don't know why I'm posting, I just need sone support, I feel so alone, my DH is generally supportive, we have bern through a rough patch recently and I'm finding it hard to reconnect with him, again this makes me anxious. I know I should feel lucky, I have a family, my own car, a job but I'm just not enjoying life. I find it hard to see friends as I'm so busy all the time and I get a bit of social anxiety. I just don't know what's wrong with me.
I had a difficult relationship with my mother, last march i told her how I felt and we have been working things out and trying up build up our relationship, I don't blame her anymore for a lot of my mental health and I felt strong taking control of the situation but I guess it's hard to reconcile years of emotional abuse. The thing is I had a mix of happy times and very low times and I fear I'm projecting It onto my kids despite not wanting to. I just wish I was someone else, I really hate myself and feel like I'm worthless.
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