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Really struggling with life,self esteem, worry and supporting DS(8 Posts)
My life has just not worked out. I just seem to have fucked it up. I was given plenty of opportunities but wasted them. I changed "career" at 30 and went to education as a teacher. Partner gave birth to DS and life seemed to be ok. Except it wasn't. Our relationship was never perfect and I was really struggling with teaching.
It all came to a head 6 years ago and we separated. I also was forced out of my job as a teacher. I was in a really bad place mentally and was put on capability. I knew I would be sacked so I left rather than have that on my CV.
I always wanted to be a good Dad. I struggled to find permanent work and got a lot of rejections. My CV and applications yell out as someone who has had a crap career. I did some supply work but that was unreliable. I also was determined to play a role in DS's life - so did part time supply work / part time contract jobs that I managed to get to do school runs / drop offs etc.
It's 6 years later. I had a massive period of job rejection and that really fucked me up. I just got the impression that no one wanted me. I have no social life as I really struggle for money - got a lot of debts that I paying through StepChange. I also pay a lot of maintenance to my ex to ensure that DS is ok. She has a mortgage and bills to pay. She works around DS but has an expensive mortgage. There's reasons why she won't move / downsize and she's always talking about money issues which makes me feel so guilty as I want DS to be ok.
I have my own business now. It's going ok but it's unpredictable. I can work around DS and do school runs which is handy. It's just so unpredictable and I constantly worry about money. It's having a bit of a down turn at the moment.
This is all affecting me. I think I've had depression for ages. It's a massive wave at the moment. Sometimes I just have no energy and lie in my bed for ages. I worry about the future and not having enough money for DS. I look back at the past and reflect. That does no good. DF knows a bit and has suggested I get a 'proper' job. But I look at my life and don't see any skills. My degree was a long time ago and I was a crap teacher.
Sometimes I'm ok. Things can go well. But there are times when I hate it all. I just want it to go away. I don't have any friends and I don't know if talking can help. No one can fix me.
It's the worry of money and providing for DS - when he's with me and maintenance. It's the worry of self employment. It's being so tired that it affects how I work. It's the constant feeling that I am not good enough and that everything I have will come crashing down.
I feel like I've failed life. But life is still going on. I am sertraline but sertraline and talking therapies won't take away the harsh reality of life.
I just have to get this out. I don't think anyone in my life truly knows what is going on in my head. I hate it.
I empathise with some of what you say. My life hasn't gone as planned and at the rip age of 54 I find myself crushingly alone in a job which is OK and pays OK but gives me nothing. I work and go home to an empty house and then get up and go to work...repeat until the weekend. Was dumped by GF 3 months ago and its shattered me and taken hope and a future away.
I'm having counseling and on Escitalopram but don't feel either of them are of benefit. What you say about nobody in your life knowing whats going in your head I know what you mean. So much of whats in mine makes no sense and I cant do anything about it. You can talk to people but they don't feel what you feel and you feel like you're just running in a circle.
Being a basket case myself all I can say is that you're doing the right thing as far as your son is concerned and sometimes that's all we can do. You're being decent and noble and there are so many people who are scumbags and would have run a mile. So take some credit for that.
Sorry I don't have much advice but I just wanted to reply to this - I hate posts nobody answers.
How long have you been on the antidepressants? It takes time for them to kick in, at least 2 weeks and normally 6 weeks plus to get full effect.
I know that won't sort out money worries and I know how hard they can be! The most important thing is that your son has your love and time, thats way more important than money and material things.
Life rarely goes according to plan, and I can really feel how hard this is for you. I'm in a different place in my life, but have had my share of disappointed hopes and plans. It hurts and can really bring you down, making everything look depressingly pointless and bland.
Have you tried finding a good therapist? I was seeing one for almost 5 years. It isn't a miracle cure and it takes a lot of work and time; but you sound very honest and insightful so I think you could really benefit. It might provide you with a different perspective and equip you with a kinder voice when looking at yourself. It did for me.
For what it's worth, you sound like you are doing a great job providing for your boy and he is very lucky to have a father like you. And starting a business takes energy and some guts! Of course there will be ups and downs, that's the nature of business.
Good luck for now and feel free to post again for more support. Mumsnet is good at this stuff, there are some good people with great advise on here.
Thanks for the replies. I was on ADs last year but came off them when I thought I was better. It really really comes in waves and I have to fight the feelings so hard. There are times when I just lie in bed in the day time and that worries me. It's so so easy to just do it though as it's a safe place. Yet deep down I know that's a crap thing to do and it doesn't help when I'm supposed to be marketing myself.
I know I have a feeling of low self worth. I need to get past that. DS keeps me going. It's knowing I have to be there and provide for DS that makes me not give up.
All I know about a therapist is that there's a massive waiting list in my area. I did see a private therapist who suggested a lot of therapy - one of them was 'learning to love yourself' therapy (sure there's a better word for that) but it was £40 - £60 a session and that was too much.
If the ADs helped before maybe its worth trying them again. They reccommend continuing them for 6 months after you reach your optimum. I've found councelling very useful if you can get a referal from your GP it might help.
Just to add following your last comment, a lot of therapists offer sliding scale rates do you might be able to get a cheaper price than the full rate indicates. Worth checking?
It is necessary to understand AD's are not like antibiotics that you take once to "cure" or get rid of an infection.
AD's are a management medicine similar to insulin for a diabetic. They help you control your illness but do not necessarily take away the root issue causing the depression. So if they are working, you will feel OK. But like an diabetic shooting insulin, you only feel OK because you are managing your illness. Come off the meds and you revert to where you were before...
Does that make sense?
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