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I am in a bad way tonight

(26 Posts)
bbbbbbbbbb Sun 23-Oct-16 21:10:49

I am struggling. My head feels like it wants to explode and make a mess all over the walls. I am an adult survivor of very severe child neglect and sexual abuse. I am in therapy at the moment but no therapist can be there for you 24hrs a day. I'd like to find oblivion somehow to shut up my head but I'm not a drinker, too scared to take drugs. Want to hurt myself. My therapist says I want this because it allows me to dissociate and that gives relief. I am being interviewed by the Police soon, much good it will do me. They never prosecuted the first time I reported my abuser. And a prison sentence will not silence my mind. I barely live these days. My life and horizons have shut down and down. I've lost my entire family over this and many friends too. The 'contagion' of abuse is too much for most people to bear. I am making myself ill. I am eating disordered. I struggle with it so much. I'm becoming ever more agoraphobic. And yet I'm getting the very best cutting-edge trauma care there is. Still it's not enough. I just don't know how to keep going.

offside Sun 23-Oct-16 21:14:04

Didn't want to read and run.

You sound broken sad my heart goes out to you. I don't have words or advice for you, I just didn't want you to think know one was reading and hearing you flowers

Mammyofonlyone Sun 23-Oct-16 21:14:09

You seem to in a very very difficult situation. I have no experience of anything like this so I don't know what to say apart from keep going. It must be massively hard, I can't imagine how you must feel. Is there anyone you can pick the phone up to?

BlackSwan Sun 23-Oct-16 21:15:45

Hi, I'm sorry this is all on the surface for you tonight and consuming you. Have you tried medication for these feelings? I find they help.

bbbbbbbbbb Sun 23-Oct-16 21:27:07

Thank you for talking to me. No I am not on meds, I was for a while but they only increased my suicidal wishes so I went cold turkey. I love the therapy I'm getting, it's amazing but even that doesn't make it easy to live with. I don't know why I feel so down tonight. I have no one I can call unfortunately.

user1471462290 Sun 23-Oct-16 21:29:48

Op, I'm at the end of how your feeling now I've struggled for 22 years to cope with my extreme sexual abuse and after years of therapy I can finally see a light, it's not easy but you will get there, it takes time

Much love ❤️

bbbbbbbbbb Sun 23-Oct-16 21:33:24

Is there anything you can recommend user that helps you get through the difficult bits?

BlackSwan Sun 23-Oct-16 21:33:24

Therapy can bring back feelings and fears you had buried for years. Not necessarily while you're talking with your therapist, but when you're alone. It's a shame meds haven't been helpful for you - but you're going to get through this. But you do recognise that it's a positive thing that you've found the right help for you and that you're doing something positive for yourself. The goal isn't to be in a good place now. The goal is to get to that place, in time.

bbbbbbbbbb Sun 23-Oct-16 21:35:02

I'm not sure I will make it to that good place.... I've been carrying this burden for a lifetime.

Superheroes Sun 23-Oct-16 21:35:51

I'm so sorry to hear this op.

It sounds like the therapy is helping a lot. Keep going. I'm in therapy for other stuff and at times it's been so hard, but so worth it. I promise.

You're still here. You're amazing.

user1471462290 Sun 23-Oct-16 21:36:54

Um for me focusing on little projects and putting all my energy into it, may it be abirthday of a loved one or something for me, it really helped me ground myself and see past the past xxx

You can do it?! The abuse you endured does not define you, xxxx

Superheroes Sun 23-Oct-16 21:37:09

If you would like to talk please feel free to PM me.

I know how it feels to have to wait for the next therapy appointment when you have so much buzzing around you head.

user1471462290 Sun 23-Oct-16 21:38:44

You will, I've been carrying it with me for 22 years, the pain is there but now I choose to tell it to go away, I still have bad days and I think I always will I just have the methods to cope with them differently and with therapy those will come to you xxxx

BlackSwan Sun 23-Oct-16 21:39:38

You must not give up. You are important. You are deserving of happiness and love. There is hope. What is there in your life that you enjoy?

pallasathena Sun 23-Oct-16 21:43:58

Try reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stig Larson. Its the first book in a trilogy about a young woman who is horrifically abused and finds herself battling against social stereotyping, authority figures who are corrupt and terrible personal social isolation..
Sometimes, a thoughtful, well written book can transport you as well as give insight and this one does both brilliantly.

stubbornstains Sun 23-Oct-16 21:44:32

How do you feel on the good days? Remind yourself that you are capable of feeling that way, and will soon again thanks.

(I started a slightly desperate thread earlier, and got lots of support and advice- sometimes MN can be better than real friends. At least there is always Someone There).

SouthPole Sun 23-Oct-16 21:49:19

Oh my love, I wish I could silence your mind and give you peace.

I don't know much about this, but I know that this time next year you will be in a better place.

Life is so very precious and we must hold it as such.

What happened to you was fucking horrific. And I am sorry it did, I am sorry your family aren't gathered around you like Spartans, protecting you like any normal family would. This is not your fault or because of any flaw you may have. This is their problem and they will feel shame because of their reaction to your suffering.

I'd give anything to give you some peace, I swear.

But all I can do is hold you in my thoughts and send good wishes your way. You're incredible and twice the woman I could ever be, in taking this forward.

Dragongirl10 Sun 23-Oct-16 21:54:16

Hello op, Your post made me wish l could come and visit you and be a friend.......sadly most of us cannot truly grasp how bad things have been for you but it sounds like you have stopped the abusive situation and moved away from those that don't support you....well done for that herculean task.

This may be really insignificant in light of how you are feeling but have you tried doing hatha yoga, if you cannot go out a video may be a start until you can brave facing a local class.

For me yoga got me through a very difficult (although different) time in my life and with a bit of practice stopped the endless voices in my head allowing me to sleep and feel calm. l went to a 2hour class weekly and practiced the breathing excercises 10 minutes before sleep and in the morning, also you could use them when you are feeling out of control in the middle of the day.

The skills l learn to quieten, and control my thoughts have stayed with me for the last 20years, l used them before my emergency c-section when l was truly terrified and at many other stressful times. It is my mental safety net.

It takes practice but is so much better than medication....

Please keep posing so we know you are OK

DizzyBlondeMum2 Sun 23-Oct-16 22:00:40

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling tonight. Have you considered calling the samaritans? Sounds like you might need to talk to someone with the experience to help you hold things together until you can reach your therapist xx they are always there xx hugs xx

Onlyonce Sun 23-Oct-16 22:03:26

I have no experience of the awful situations and pain you have suffered. But all I can say is that having experienced therapy, the gaps between can almost leave you bereft. Sometimes it's harder than the talking and opening up in the session and it can feel so isolating. Don't give up. You are here talking to all of us. Do one small thing at a time and break that small thing into steps. Just to get through until you start to feel better. You sound incredibly brave and strong.

user1471531273 Sun 23-Oct-16 22:06:36

Please try not to hurt yourself.

Can you do something physical?
This may sound daft but star jumps or running on the spot?
It might help briefly by giving your 'thinking' brain a rest.

Something I learnt was on a very basic level both parts of our brain cannot be dominant at the same time. So your thinking brain needs a rest then try something physical.

If you really do need to feel some pain, to get the relief you are searching.
Do you have any ice-cubes? Could you hold one in each hand for a long time?

I'm sorry if these are not helpful and you have already tried or thought of them. I have learned about these techniques recently.

LadyStoic Sun 23-Oct-16 22:07:47

Hi OP, could not read and run.

Something someone said to me once was a quote along the lines of 'So far my track record of surviving the bad days is 100%' - and that IS true of you as you are still here, you are getting help, and you DO matter flowers

I second calling the Samaritans but would also suggest tomm you call the MIND Sexual Abuse Helpline - page is here and has other resources listed too

Please take care of yourself as you would take care of a young child you knew had been through what you have endured - and survived - as often we find it easier to be kind to ourselves when we 'step outside' of ourselves (given often issues of self-loathing etc) and imagine what we do for someone else. You know the compassion and love you would shower that someone else with, so please try hard to gift yourself the same care and worth.

You matter. I - and clearly others too - are thinking of you right nowflowers

{{{Un-MN'y hugs}}}

LadyStoic x

EmmanuelleMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 23-Oct-16 22:24:15

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

All the very best from MNHQ flowers brew flowers

BecauseIamaBear Sun 23-Oct-16 22:45:42

bbbbbbbb,
Are you still awake? Or has sleep taken you?
If you are there/here,, can you put into words what is troubling you? Whe
I have a restless night mulling over probles issues, I find it clears my thoughts to start writing down what I am thinking.

No need to post it, though people will understand if you do, We are here for you.

Gracey1231 Mon 24-Oct-16 02:01:04

Hi love
I can't read and run. And understand privacy. If you ever want someone to talk to please message me. I'm here always
Sleep well flowers

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